Joel's Bloggy

The sun has got his hat on!

2007-02-06T01:52:00.000+01:00

Grab your coat and grab your hat... leave your worries on the door step...

I'm in a fucking great mood! Come dance with me! Hugs for everyone! Beer for everyone! I'm cheerful, I'm going to buy my friends a round tommorow!

Misis and oasis (parts of my uni's website have had me down on part time, against my will for ages. i kept trying to fix it. sods law has kept getting in the way, admins avoiding me etcetera.. also, my results hadnt come through till today.

Tonigh, I log into misis and oasis, and the administrative problem FIXED ITSELF!!! BY OSMOSIS! I had planned to see someone about it tommorow! It's fucking amazing! Something good actually happened, and i don't have a sarcastic retort!

Not only that, but after 200 years fathoming the strange complicated uni 20 point thingymebobbyjibbet, and finally asking a friend to login as me, it was discovered that after all this resitting business. IM COOL!!! I'M FUCKING SORTED!!! Now i just need to keep passing semesters as they come! Its insane!

2007-01-28T18:55:00.000+01:00

I have regained my control, for now.

whine

2007-01-28T15:37:00.000+01:00

Dear diary!

I want to stop thinking. I was good earlier. I could direct the thoughts away from the ones I didn’t want to hear. I spent the period since Christmas meditating regularly, honing a more precise mind, learning to play piano in a meditative state, and even use this stuff to redirect self obsessed thoughts. Still, in all my determination, my altruistic goal of using this musically to rid myself of ego failed. I wanted to let go, when I play, let my mind guide me without thinking about having to sound good. While I don’t believe in G-d, I’m pretty sure the music is better off coming from within, rather than coming from a need to show off and sound good… ie trying to sound like something else.

I didn’t only intend to lose the ego playing music. I wanted to find a new attitude to life, hopelessly optimistic for a hardcore pessimist (or realist?) such as myself, but what can I do? I spent so long whining at people. I had the foolish idea that to rid myself of negative emotions I had to express them- (and here is where it goes wrong), to somebody else.

That was just the easier way out. At the time I thought it was the only way. Though it has been slow going, over the last 3 weeks (well apart from the last couple of days), I’ve actually felt that overall, I’m all right. Even when something I didn’t like happened yesterday, I shoved it away in my mind. Of course not even an hour later something else happened that I didn’t like, and at the time my ire rose, and I felt like I was in an uncontrollable anger. I fled to my room, and threw soft rubber balls at the wall as hard I could, and when I was tired out, I went to sleep. I woke up feeling I had won. I didn’t react aggressively to the cause of my anger, because I had removed myself before I had the chance. I woke up and practiced, feeling a little unfocused, but shoving my extraneous thoughts out of the window enough to continue. I don’t think I’d have been able to do that last year.

I had a conversation this morning regarding problem one, in which I kept my cool to an extent, but also ended up chatting a load of nonsense as it drew to a close and I remembered what I was about to lose. Sure, I’d already lost it, quite possibly for a lot longer than I knew, but it still came crashing down.

I tried to meditate but I couldn’t focus on that either, so I went to practice for a while. At 2, I left the safety of my bedroom to see if there was anything in the fridge for lunch. There was, I asked if any of it was intended for lunch today. The answer was yes. It was 2o clock, so I asked If I could make it. I was told no. Forgive me if I think this is unreasonable. There was no cereal in the house. No fruit. All I had for breakfast was a piece of fucking toast, and because nobody else wants lunch yet I’m not allowed too. I asked if I could take a 3rd of it then… and I just got ranted at about not being in anybodies good books. Last night when I was home, I was accused of everything under the sun. Bit like Harry Potter, being responsible for things breaking, even when I was standing right in front of my parents fucking noses NOT BREAKING THEM. There’s also the customary moan about how I SHOULD be. And other people’s children. I remember how many times I’ve been told that they wanted. What am I meant to read through the lines? Still in the past they’ve been more explicit about THAT message. Oh yeah its only because they’re angry… and they deny it? BULLSHIT. Sure you take things more extreme when your angry, you say stuff you wouldn’t normally say. But it’s all there under the surface. It’s based on truth. Later my grandparents come round. I know how that’s going to go. I’m meant to fix something with my grandpa’s computer. He originally asked my dad, but my dad decided to have a fat whine about how’s he’s really stupid and stubborn about it and how he can’t be arsed to deal with him and computing anymore. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t get away with that. Anyway, I’ll fix it, whilst answering twenty questions. It’ll be a probably that would take a minute to fix, perhaps up to quarter of an hour if it’s a big one, but either way the amount of time it’ll take to fix in reality is that multiplied by six. I won’t elaborate on my grandma, which is usually the unknown factor to most, but I think I’ve got the behaviour pattern down. First happiness to see me, followed by I’m so rude she’d be better of not seeing me. Then I leave, then I’m so rude because I’m not there. Then I return, I’m so rude I wasn’t there. Then I’m so rude I’m still there. Repeat ad nauseam. There are lots of other repeated negatives almost always about me or something I like, but I don’t feel a need to list them all. At the same time my parents always agree with her, regardless of which opinion she has at the time, and they remain completely oblivious. I dread Sundays, and always approach and leave them in a state of misery.

I’ve realized two things over the last few days. Sarcasm is a good way to lie. Every time something bad happens, and I DON’T see it coming, I become more pessimistic accordingly. This is unfortunately irrefutable truth, and there is no way out. I thought before that I could control nothing in life but my own thoughts. I can’t control either. It doesn’t feel like free will. Life is a nightmare.

Oh I must be off. The main part of the Sunday saga has just begun..

merry pissmas

2006-12-24T15:00:00.000+01:00

Its Christmas (well… almost)

I have tried to keep this Christmas rant less offensive than I wanted it to be, by being vague.

Christmas is a legal holiday. It is often heavily secularized, but those who want to enjoy the religious aspect are free to do as they please. Well… not exactly. They’re free to do their business. Not fucking take over the world with their spiel. 100% of the world is not Christian. So why the fuck is 100% of the radio and TV continuingly showing these irritating services (which if you want to go to, you should attend) crap music, and ridiculous self-righteous bull to make yourself look good. Oh yes, this is what Christmas is about, oh yeah that’s what Christmas is about…. Be nice all year you fuckin cunts.

You have been warned. Nevertheless, a fair number of people don’t understand the idea of being nice. Especially for Christmas; they treat as a chance to get off on their own ego. I won’t elaborate unless someone wants to argue with this. Why can’t people work out how to be kind for themselves you don’t need a bible backing you up. A brain and interacting with others should suffice.

Lets just say it is Christmas. It is Christmas. And I hate it. I fucking hate it. Why can’t it go away?

These were the vague impersonal reason. Here are the personal ones in brief. My ridiculous grandmother. I don’t feel like I should say more. It would degenerate into an extremely vitriolic rant.

Merry Christmas. I hope YOU enjoy it. I know I won’t. Happiness isn’t bought.

Did I mention i wrote pissmas because thats what the train's will smell like on boxing day?

Honesty - the self destructive virtue..

2006-12-18T22:13:00.000+01:00

I guess anything good has to come apart after a time though... it is in its inherent nature... anyway...

Something I touched on briefly in the last post, when talking about trust, and it seems like a logical evolution of that. I’ve tried living by quite two different mantras in the past… be nice to everyone, i.e treat people as you want to be treated. This does not work. Treat people as they treat you. This is better, but requires more perceptiveness than anyone has to execute justly. It is however more pro-me. It ties in with my other self-imposed codes, based on a combination of verbal honesty, and acting as my own god. I don’t worship me, I’m not being arrogant (by doing that anyway), I’ve just borrowed from a very looked down upon religious ideal, (I’m not telling you from what religion). I simply act to an extent in my own interests by suppressing my emotions in face-to-face interactions where possible, and using meditation based calming techniques to help myself do so.

At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself- that I care about honesty where possible, and that I don’t lie by contradiction, only by not telling enough of the truth. This much is true, and yet I can’t help feeling dirty, like my little attempt at detachment has failed and instead I am being dragged down in to the pits I’ve been digging with my sketchy reasoning. I’m not honest like I want to be. I feel sure all kindness shown to me is a result of my manipulations and/or their feeling somehow obliged to me.

How bleak that I always fall shorter than a dwarf from a tower block. It’s not ironic though because I always see it coming, I say I accept it though, and I’m always too weak. – Not good enough. Why can’t I completely embrace that? My conscious mind does… I feel like my heart does, but I just can’t die, I only keep falling down forever, being lowered like an explorer into an endless chasm/cave with a steel rope that keeps rolling down unsupported, but that I can’t cut.

Remember ‘Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance’. So its not just me… its everyone… they just don’t know it yet.

look what the philosophy student did to me

2006-12-18T21:17:00.000+01:00

In the first dictionary I could find, a friend is

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied with in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

There were others, but they were irrelevant to what I intend to talk about. I think if we called every acquaintance a friend, we’d be inundated with unwanted friendships, not to mention the egos that would be crushed on the other side! So how about 3… well that’s a little relative… is the jazz course at Middlesex a struggle or a cause? What I’m really here for is to talk about trust, and a lot of other thoughts running through my head…

Trust:-
1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence..
2. Confident expectation of something; hope.

There are more, but they’re more difficult to relate to the trust in that definition of friend. I don’t want to talk about hope too much, because I think it’s a very personal thing. I frown upon hope myself; I think it is a weak and unjustified emotion. I do think it can be necessary for survival, in dire, and irretrievable situations but generally speaking it is blind, and has no effect on the expectation. Besides, if the situation was irretrievable, hope would stop you giving up and killing yourself either directly or indirectly as a result of that… but it would only be prolonging the inevitable, and enduring more pain… A debate that could do on forever… it’s gone on for a while already! Hope can’t be justified to me via spiritual reasons. I wish it could, but it can’t. L

Definition 1; reliance on… integrity, strength, ability, surety

Aren’t those things you’d look for in an employee? I’m sure ability has nothing to do with friendship. It shouldn’t anyway. I don’t trust in the surety of anyone, though I think I can often be more sure of a negative than anything positive pertaining to a friend (or positive at all).

I don’t really trust in anyone’s strength (no I’m not talking about muscle.) I respect their strength, I often see it as greater than my own, but I could never REALLY trust it. I have not for a while anyhow. I don’t really have any qualms with the rest of the definition. I mean I can trust people with my life… I can’t trust them with thoughts below the surface or emotions. Actually maybe I can, thinking about it now, its not so much that I don’t trust, it’s that I fear what will happen. I say I trust them as people, and yet I feel I can’t tell people much about my feelings, because I reckon I’ll lose them as friends. Goodness knows it’s already happened, plenty though my fault. I have a habit of ruining anything that’s good for me.

Reflection tells me, the vast majority of my friendships beyond acquaintance level are selective interpretations of people’s feelings towards me. I find myself hoping people are my friends. Telling myself that if I treat them openly that they already are, thinking its okay to offload my shit. It’s been that way for so long. I act selfishly. Perhaps I have finally found the reason for my low self-esteem; I’m a right arse.

In short, if you build a house on quicksand without any foundation, it’ll sink. It’s poetic justice that I decided people were my friends inside, and through no fault of there own, I remember they aren’t. I thought I could just totally walk past that stuff. I did kind of know it then, but it comes back to haunt me, when I find myself missing these people.

Who can I trust then, if I cannot trust in myself? What is real, and what is based on my imaginations tainted version of optimism? Why do mince pies taste like shit? (I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

I’ve lost the line between realism and paranoia.

Who can find me a Trans-dimensional doorway that allows one to step outside of consensual reality, providing a unique opportunity to explore the nature of consciousness and fundamental mysteries of existence?

PS.

Next time I may talk about my pessimistic views on Christmas, thoughts that real life is more morbid than anything our imagination can conjure up, dementia, and hopefully being a bit tipsy. On the other hand I might not want to talk about that, even if I’m thinking about it, because there could be something worse, or I might just want to talk about some music. Unlikely!

Merry Christmas? You decide!

PSS.

Yes Charlie, I do. I just feel each time it’d be self-indulgent moan! I didn’t want that! I feel less guilty in a blog because its more optional!

Nausea

2006-11-29T18:24:00.000+01:00

5 months since I last blogged, and yet I have scarcely missed it. With the most recent posts I felt it was more of an obligation than a placebo for dumping my problems on those directly around me.

I felt guilty for that I was neglecting my friends on here, out of what really came down to being weakness. I wanted to write something, I really did, and there was plenty to write, but something within just stopped me. Writing down what I really wanted to say was out of the question, but I didn’t want to lie, throw around platitudes, or write something pointlessly mundane.

I’m terrified at revealing the situations behind my thoughts naked for all to see. I don’t want you to see what I’m not ready to admit. What I’m not strong enough to admit or understand. I may have come on along way in understanding my self, but it makes hardly any difference right now.

I daresay anyone who ‘reads’ this, doesn’t read it anymore, but right now I’m just writing so that I don’t start my career as a serial killer rashly. It’s a bit too manual labour for me right now. Nevertheless, I’ve had to set my sites somewhat lower from the previous target of criminal mastermind.

Every step I take towards crawling out of my hole, to nurturing something that I can truly feel pride in seems to fail miserably, and I seem to fall further down this never-ending chasm. I can still see the speck of light at the top. I always could see it, but I could never quite make it there. I’d always fall back on a loose rock when I was getting close. The voyeurs standing around at the top, and the occasional Samaritan could see me then though.

Now though, I’m further down, and I have to shout. And my words are corrupted in the echo. Every now and then somebody comes close to the edge, for any number of reasons… perhaps to taunt me, while I’m ensnared in these chains holding me down, pulling me down. Funnily enough those last two phrases were mangled Nine Inch Nails lyrics. I don’t know what the real lyrics were anymore. I’m simply too far away from reality… just trapped in my own little world. The voyeurs seem to enjoy teasing me when I can’t fight back, and instead flail around like some wounded animal caught in a hunter’s trap. Maybe they feel that if they can get rid of me they won’t plunge down the pit. But its okay, because they can dig their own hole, live in their own shit. I’ll have my revenge. I really will. When I just get a bit closer, or can get some allies topside. They will pay. Nobody fucks with me, except ME. Well they do, but they won’t get away with it. I’ll break them, and I don’t feel guilty saying that. Does that make me ‘bad’? I think it makes me human, though with all the excess baggage you get with ‘humanity’, I’m not sure If I like. But I recognize what I can’t change. I always do. Its only stuff that I can change that I miss out. One paintbrush is too big… or the other is too small. Or maybe I’m better off this way. I never could decide any of this stuff. I can only trust my own thoughts, but they’re often contradictory.

Before I forget, turning back to those voyeurs and their barbed tongues… perhaps their friends will think them clever. They could be stupid or clever, and I’m not sure which would be better. Idiocy makes them easier to manipulate, but it also makes them less predictable, and either way, they may take advantage of their situation, and reinterpret my words, for their own benefit, spreading the word of my misdeeds (or perhaps saving them for later blackmail), whether it’s for their enjoyment, or to make them look better

Then there are the Samaritans. They do what they can… for the time being. But I never know if they really care, if they are good people, because I either drive them off before I know them, or distrust them.

I am in better control of the emotions I display in the flesh now though. It’s just that they need to come out somewhere or I lose that control. I seem to alternate how I act though. If I act with clarity, setting up myself to be owed favours, handicapping my abilities so that I’m underestimated, afterwards I feel guilt, but more than that I feel regret that I don’t have anyone I can comfortably say this stuff too DIRECTLY. Then I try being kinder, so that I can get a better friendship out of it. Everything is out of some egotistical desire, but it’s not like I’m going to be concerned by that. It’s only a humble observation.

I think I’m too impatient, and I overestimate people. I can get out of this funk, and I will. But it won’t be easy. Especially as I keep sinking deeper as I try to climb out. I don’t think I’ll truly be out of it for a while though. I just want some semblance of control for the time being. I want to at least drift about near the top, and muddle through life in a way that I’m not just taking steps towards death.

I could attribute this whole post to a lack of hugs but that’d be absurd. I just thought I’d stick that there as a reward for reading this far- a wee joke.

Here is my life in short. I have tons of work, will probably go practice in a bit, (I’ve already done about 3 hours of work today, and 6 of practice. Unfortunately I’m at a bit of an impasse with both, needing to talk to tutors about stuff, hence why I’m allowing myself to write this.) I don’t think I can do this, and I’m scared. I’ll probably ending up spending 60£ to make people do some of my work. Tomorrow I’ll try and get another essay started before I go to see Kenny Wheeler.

Here is the piano playing news. I’ve improved loads, I was temporarily comfortable with my playing because of that, though obviously I knew I could improve I didn’t think ‘I’m shit’. Now I do, mainly because that amount of stuff in lessons that I’m meant to do… I’m just not good enough… it’s like asking someone who hardly knows computers beyond word processing to over-clock the processor.

Anyway, I think I’m done now.

Some kind of comment would be appreciated, even if it’s ‘get a life’. Just so long as you aren’t trying to sell me penis enlargements.

2006-02-14T23:23:00.000+01:00

Well, we got through another one.

It should be fairly easy to guess what I'm talking about.

Other news is that my brain seems to be fried. I'm just growing progressively more stupid. I don't like it.

2006-02-13T23:31:00.000+01:00

This post is letting you know a few things, one of which being my continued survival.

I'm also posting it with some reminders to myself to look back on.

E-mail: Emma, Lolly, Mark, KB, Jason and order some Aebersolds. Also E-mail Ezra for mobile number, and Francois for wrong unit. Also e-mail Charlie once about person x, then again when possible as a proper e-mail.

e-mail Order- Charlie1, Emma, Lolly, Jason (see his webby), Charlie2, Mark, Kb

Right thats my reminders in.

I'm sorry that I've buggered off everyone. I'm here... really. .. its true. I havn't read anyones blogs for ages, and i feel like somewhat of an arse. No excuses for shabby contact. Reasons however are pretty much that theres not enough practice hours in the day. Thats only reasons for the last few weeks though.

Nevertheless, I shall endevor (which I cannot spell) to chat to you through this blog more often, though realistically I don't think I'm going to have time to send e-mails beyond the neccessary, except for when I'm at work and shifts over.

I'm currently doing ALOT of piano. Eleanor, if she EVER reads this will be pleased to know that I'm learning all about salsa, and that I've purchased a book of 101 montunos. Which is going to be PFI (my little new abbreveviation. I shall use it often. Means pretty fucking insane).

Anyway.

I'll be in again when I can about whats up.

Joel out!

2000+6

How to kill your immediate family members by Homicidal J

2006-01-13T13:45:00.000+01:00

Where do you get those really cool rings you see sometimes in murder programs where they have poison in them?

I really want one, because I've planned the PERFECT murder.

Ok here is the plan. Now what I'm going to do is poison my mother. I'm going to have an alibi, and there will be no witnesses of the death.

It involves a lot of waiting. These criteria must be present before I can do the murder.

1) My dad must be in Derby, for at least 24 hours during which the murder will be committed.
2) There will be no tube strike, and uni will be in session.
3) There are no appointments of anyone to see the house for any reason.
4) Grandparents have a day of checkups at hospital (regular occurrence)

Equipment is as follows:

Gloves, and a simple method of cleaning a hob and pans without fingerprinting them

Ok. So this is what happens. On this day, I've already arranged a sleepover for myself. It’s for a big rehearsal or recording session. I reveal it to my mum the night before. She makes a fuss, so I offer to make her a dinner.

I make it early the next morning, and add the poison. Its a pasta sauce. I do not cook the pasta however. I add the clear powdery poison to the sauce in a decent quantity, INSTEAD of sugar. I then add a little to a half used packet of spaghetti, which would contain just enough pasta for just her...

All this was done wearing gloves of course. I would then clean up using a rubber sponge. I'd leave taking that with me, and disposing of it in a standard bin in Kentish Town, far away from home.

I'd be rehearsing that night as she eats. And I'd be sleeping over, and rehearsing the next day. I'd come home in the evening to find my mum dead, at which point I'd ring the police and tell them how I'd been out, and how my mum had been cooking as a treat to herself, because i was off rehearsing. I'd say I couldn't understand it. My grandparents wouldn't understand either. They don't know I hate her. They're prim and my parents never talk about me to them because they're not proud. They do to all the other relatives of course, but I don't think even THEY understand my opinions of them, never mind anyone else’s.

The crux of the biscuit?

Mum dies. I wasn't present. She cooked. No fingerprints of me- suicide because of my grandma's dementia? She did mention it to me quite a few times, and I have a cast iron alibi.

The problems with this? Well, for starters, I'd still need to get rid of dad.

I suppose I could have killed them both at once by some kind of sabotage on their car, but it'd only work if it blew up, and destroyed any evidence. Then there would still be grandparents being very dark about it... so I'd either have to wait for them to shuffle of their mortal coils, or speed it up somehow and cash in.

I suppose for my grandpa, the collective pain from his wife being unable to even find the toilet, forgetting the year, forgetting how to use a towel, combined with his daughter's suicide // or exploding could push him over the edge... problem is he is pretty much healthy except from diabetes. My grandma would never be much of a threat though.

Perhaps it would be prudent to wait a few years... killing the mum and dad would be out of anger of course, grandparents, for money. If i could get the money to go to a private music place after my degree to study further...

That way, I could justify it slightly by saying look- I loved the music that much. Besides, death isn’t so bad. Death is like a lover. Keeps us safe from pain and worry…

This is all hypothetically speaking of course. It started off with a small idea. I would admit it is a little overkill now. (Hah, get it?)

Anyhow, y’all have a nice day -

- Homicidal J

PS - maybe my mum and dad watch too many murder programs when we eat. It'll be their undoing!

2006-01-10T17:23:00.000+01:00

It seems I needed to be reminded of my place in life. An insignificant error.

2006-01-04T02:27:00.000+01:00

The infamous essay deadline draws nearer. The infamous essay doesn't grow. Neither does the accompanying listening log. At least the notes do though... but I'm not very confident in them. The things damn hard.

News is.

These compositions are now complete and suitable for recording.

Tea and Coffee
Prostitutes Logic
Winter in Suburbia
Fishing

I have rough recordings of all of them except prostitutes logic actually (affectionately called prozzie's logic).

Winter in Suburbia Lyrics:--

Winter in Suburbia
V1
Smooth grooves down in the suburbs,
It’s the Winter, I’m chilling, so do not disturb
Getting off to this funky rhythm,
Enjoying my snowy prison

V2
making music all day, that’s all right,
keep on going, (n) ill do it all night,
got to keep the groove, as I go through the tunnel,
this strange London transport funnel

V3
chilled like ice, yet warm n nice,
my(the?) music slots together like chicken to fried rice
slipping and slurping a hot drink,
while the (fresh)breeze to my brain, is helping me think

(tag1=3)
im getting down, and dirty, in the slush
im getting down, im getting dirty, o, its nice,
im getting down, im getting dirty, melting flows,
lets get down and dirty, till the snow goes)

(tag2=4)
im getting down, and dirty, theres no rush
im getting down, im getting dirty, all day,
snow on the scene, aint it pretty , white (n) clean
lets enjoy this vibe, till the snow goes

(bridge)
getting dirty, in the suburbs, is just fine,
winter’s cool, holidays, n my new free time,
I spend it, writing songs, in the bedroom,
Check out this (my) tune/you dig my tune?

(CHORUS)
winter in suburbia,
its (cold n?) windy, but groovier
springtimes coming,
but there’ll be winter next year

winter in suburbia,
so let me back to my beer
springtimes looming,
but theres no need to fear..

I would appreciate some crits, its usually hard to get any comments out of anyone on my lyric writing. I know its usually rubbish, but I'd like it to improve.

I managed to borrow/copy some music off Todd. A few Prince albums, some hendrix, a Maceo Parker album, and a Kula Shaker album. So far I'm listening to the Kula Shaker. And HOW FUCKING COOL ?????

Also...back to Hendrix... how cool is the ending to freedom

2006-01-03T03:05:00.000+01:00

My news and thoughts.

Theories about Aunts-

Ok, say I have these two Aunts, 'Helen' and 'Maureen'. They're both really fat. (And horrid but thats aside from the point). Now I usually have to see them at SOME point each year. Now I've noticed that everyear they seem to be alternately thinner and fatter (not thinner exactly... more like less fat). Now I've been thinking about why this is. Yesterday, I thought maybe they were some kind of bizarre lifeform of great size which had split into two smaller ones, and so there sizes were directly related. However after much thought, I realized that this scenario was far more likely :-

Aunt 1:- I'm going to go on a diet, I need you to eat more so it looks like I've got thinner.

Aunt 2:- Ok.

One year later.

Aunt 2:- Ok, its my turn,lets swap

Aunt 1:- Sure thing!

I'll let you decide for yourselves :D.

For the most part this week, I'm good. I have an essay due on the 9th as I tell everyone 8million times. I've decided what I'm going to do it on (mostly) now, so I just need to do the frikking thing... buts its still horrid! This week I my wonderful friends Eleanor and Emma are in the country, which rocks, but would rock more if I saw them more!

I have seen (I just had to refer to you like this and make it like a gameshow) the lovely Emma once already, and it truly was the highlight of the week.. Simple socialising can really cheer you up. I hope to see Eleanor soon.

In terms of music, shits shaping up. We have 3 Complete originals now that just need to be rehearsed a little then could be recorded... we have 3 ALMOST complete originals too. We have planned a fairly intense regime to get this and a demo done. I'll be sure to post you too and Charlie a demo, and anyone else who asks (that is IF they cannot get it off someone else electronically!)

Anyway, take it easy everyone

much love

xx

Balance - The Dark Side of the Goon

2005-12-27T02:04:00.001+01:00

"The word ‘happiness’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” – Carl Jung

I haven’t drawn on any philosophers for a while, and a lot of my posts have been a great deal more chatty in recent months, so I feel I owe it you to treat you to something a little more upmarket, shall we say?

I do of course know Jung was a Swiss psychiatrist, and was not chiefly a philosopher. In spite of this, Yung worked with Freud, and together founded analytical philosophy. I could talk about that, or their other works, but that’s not the intended topic for today.

Today’s topic, very broadly, is balance. I’ll just let it be known that I do NOT agree with Yoko Ono’s belief that “balance is beautiful” sure that sounds very pretty, and I’m sure its good if you’re a hippie, but to believe that you’d have to be either tediously naïve, overly self righteous or both. All in all, it is just another moral high ground to take.

I know I used to be like the subsequent personality description, but something that I truly hate, is when people criticize imbalanced political and social systems and the greed, therein, or more likely condemn them completely, and yet accompany their words with a total lack of action, or generosity. Why condemn others, and yet do less yourself? Or why give 2.00£ more than someone to charity X, and then exempt yourself from your judgement on the rest of the world?

A talk for another day could be on whether or not we ever have the right to judge others. I presume we need to have that self-given right in order to maintain our autonomous, and arguably stagnant civilization.

Unfortunately however, I can’t help thinking that we are leaning towards a compromise between ‘Survival of the Fittest’, and what I like to call ‘Survival of the Sheep’, and a rather imbalanced one at that.

None of us will ever be truly free of the constraints our childhood åsocialisation have placed deep within our subconscious, those constraints which make us ‘human’. Even when we are so restricted as to have our own personal thought based upon these. It takes a great man to invent, or discover something truly new that isn’t a base of something else, and thoughts like this make me wonder if man is really MORE intelligent nowadays as is commonly believed, or has actually lost his touch.

Ponder that.

Still, I digress, this has been an elaborate scheme to justify my bruised and battered, but primarily confused description of my current Christmas and New Years feelings.

This season is so glorified by families, and so globalized by shops. Already a contradiction. People always talk about the magic of Christmas, but to me it all seems to be a big delusion. For those who have something in Christmas that is different to the rest of the year round, other than material goods or food, then sure Christmas can be either magical or aggravating (we all know how relatives are!), but otherwise- nah, I just do not get it.

It’s also worth thinking about that a lot of our material happiness is usually at the expense of someone or something else- our tasty food, something’s life, our new cheaper food, someone’s livelihood, new technology, someone’s family, better traffic, someone’s house.

My piano teacher’s Christmas present is having his girlfriend chuck him out of a JOINTLY owned house, and dump him. Girlfriend of four years I might add, and with no warning.

My closest present to this? Confusion itself. I do not know what to think. I have not decided how well I’m getting on with my parents. My grandma has dementia, and over this holiday, frankly I don’t know how long any memory will last. Its not very happy, I don’t know what that’ll spell for a him. A new year is infinite futures, all far too free of the recipients control. No, there is much more at work for me that’s bad, and I really am not looking forward to ANOTHER year. And hell I’m only 18…

I suppose my pessimism if anything seems to have become worse since going to uni, as I have adopted a happy mask there. Ah well…

This goes out to the people who spend their Christmas with plastered smiles on their faces, but without their inner self reflecting that.

Seasons greetings – I guess that’s neutral enough…

Your illusive Joel x

ps - the goon would be me.

Balance - The Dark Side

2005-12-27T02:04:00.000+01:00

The Soul of Us

2005-12-25T18:51:00.000+01:00

A new joint venture blog will soon start, rather than explain it myself, I will quote my friend Charlie on it :)

"One day while I was standing in the shadows of music, after the bridge I just crossed, I decided to read Joel's Bloggy, I then met a girl named Michael, and together we sat on the porch swing and discovered the soul of us...
Before you go thinking that I've had some wild affair with some woman guess again.

During the course of my time in my new found voice of blogging, I have met some truly remarkable people who are also sharing their stories with you. Like me they're just ordinary folks, but with extraordinary insights about life and love and happiness. The thing that makes them remarkable to me is they are opinionated without being biased, they are spirited without being taciturn. In other words they say what they mean without feeling the need to always be right. They to me are the epitome of strength and grace and wisdom.
I want to tell you a little bit about my group, and tell you about a venture that we've decided to embark upon together, and invite you to follow us.
The new adventure is titled "The Soul of Us," it is the teaming up of myself and 4 people that I've become friends with through this medium of blogging.
First up is my brother Joel "JJ" Ison of London.
I met Joel back in March when I was brand new to the blogging community. In this blog you can read other people's posts by clicking on the top right corner and going to the next post.When I ventured out one Sunday and clicked, a serious piece of music caught me by surprise.It was jazzy and cool and grooved just the way I like my music. So, I posted a comment in "Joel's Bloggy." When he responded to my comments, the rest as they say is history. I found out that Joel is young Londoner who is a fellow musician, he's now, I'm proud to say studying at the university there, but through it all he manages to keep in touch and I'm proud to call him my brother.
Next is Jennifer Wagner who authors the blogpost " On the Porch Swing." Not only is she about charm and grace, Jen is as beautiful inside as well as outside. She is also one of my patrons at the St.Albans Library where I work.
Jennifer is employed by Mission West Virginia, an organization that goes throughout this state and helps people to get on their feet when they fall.
Jennifer's stories just speak to my spirit and touch it with love.
I met Jen in April and we've been fast friends; and through her I met a Girl Named Michael Dulcie.
Michael I must say is one of the most generous and encouraging people that I think that I've ever met who not only has the courage of her conviction but the guts to back it up.Michael Ann recently touched off a debate about John Lennon that defies logic (you'll have to read it to know the particulars...) She not only managed to engage our thoughts but did so without incurring one ugly or nasty comment from anyone. I'm still trying to figure out how she pulled that off, but that's my Michael...
Last but certainly not least (I love that phrase...), is Sherry Pasquarello.
Sherry is the anchor of our group. What Joel and I are to music Sherry is to words. Like Jennifer and Michael Ann, Sherry is just a wonderful spirit that looms larger than life to me. Her eclectic blog ,"After the Bridge,"is her thoughts, and your view through her window. There is a post that I wrote recently to tell you more about her, and her works. She too is my sister and I'm proud to call her that.

About our new venture...
I've come to love these people as you can well see and I felt that it would be a great idea if we could channel our energies into a forum that would give our readers some insights into us, talking about various topics but with one voice (or, many little voices).
The objective is for the 5 of us to post our collective thoughts together about a single topic. The beauty of this is that there may be times when you'll only read one persons ideas and thoughts and you'll see the comments of the rest of us and there will be times when we all speak together...and hopefully that will make this interesting, fun and thought provoking for our readers. It will be lighthearted sometime and serious yet another, but it will definitely be the soul of us.
So sometime in January, I will mount the call and sincerely hope that you all join us.In the meantime please just keep reading my blog ( just kidding, just kidding...smile).
Please read and enjoy us all.
Joel's Bloggy
On The Porch Swing
Girl Named Michael
After The Bridge
and of course you're more than welcome to stand in the shadows of music... with me.
See ya soon with Soul Of Us..."

2005-12-25T18:32:00.000+01:00

Hey there. I guess nows the time to tell you to have yourself a Merry little christmas. Thats the most ridiculous title of a song EVER.

If you don't want a merry little christmas, have yourself a happy little chanukah? Its not the same is it... Meh.

Chag Sameach. Is that the right spelling? I ask a Jew that EVERY festival where its applicable... thats the first time I've remembered the phrase by myself I believe.

Did well this year. Ebay'd today, to see what I could catch! Bought a real nice scarf yesterday, and a polo neck... the clothes shopping in France always turns out better than in crappy ole Engyland. I got gifted the Narnia books, yay, and 2 spoof books, and a nice diary. I've also ordered a computer game today.

France is strange... they have some bizarre kiddy program with talking lions (real ones dubbed)...

I've been downloading alot of music over the last few days. I downloaded a little Stevie Wonder, three Gene Harris albums, some more Tower of Power, and a little liquid soul. Gene Harris is a blues/jazz pianist for those who don't know. T.O.P are a kick ass funk band. So are liquid soul, but not of the same magnitude.

The Gene Harris wasn't as cool as the album I already own. The Stevie wasn't what I was looking for... i actually wanted Music Of, but all i could find were ssome cheesy ballads ( I already have Songs In the Key of Life, and talking books, and the one thats got fingertips on it).

I havn't checked out the Liquid Soul yet, but I'm listening to some Tower of Power as I write now, and its fucking awesome:D.

Ooh and I also downloaded a George Duke album called 'Face the Music' which is pretty classy...

2005-12-22T20:40:00.000+01:00

Appearance
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I have scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[ ] I've had(or have) braces.
[ ] I wear glasses/lenses.
[ ] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[ ] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home. i made it as far as the bench on "the island"
[x] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

Embarrasment
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[ ] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something (well technically something to my hand)
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public

Health
[x] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[x] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I've had teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[x] I've been to America.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I've seen a shooting star.
[ ] I've wished on a shooting star
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] I've kicked a guy where it hurts
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping. (I really want to though!)
[ ] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car
[ ] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[ ] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[ ] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.. (never intentionally, not even for greater good)
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't....
[x] I've snuck out of my house...
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light
[x] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[x] I've been in a fist fight...
[x] I've been arrested...
[ ] I've shoplifted

Drugs/Alcohol
[ ] I've consumed alcohol. and i've hated it ever since...
[x] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[x] I've smoked weed
[x] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression...
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose...
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying.

Materialism
[x] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Social Attitudes
[x] In general, I don't like people.
[ ] I'm a feminist.
[ ] I'm outgoing..
[ ] I'm religious.
[ ] I dress fairly modestly.
[ ] My attitude is, "If you've got it, flaunt it."

Random
[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[ ] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name..
[ ] I love being neat
[ ] I love Spam
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue...
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun (yes, but i've only done on one day because i was bugged, and i hated it.. it was very shiny, a desert eagle.. was cool but too scary for me, and i dont like that power.)
[ ] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes. (more than others do)
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message. more or less.....
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[ ] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally honest

2005-12-10T04:34:00.000+01:00

commenting is now working i believe

Today

2005-12-06T22:09:00.000+01:00

I have little to say here. I'd just like to be selfish. This blog is as much closure for me as it is communication. I find it easier not having to adress myself to individuals.

Today I'm just feeling very snarky. I can't help it that when I reflect on past actions, and past choices, that it seems I am always living a mistake, and living as one.

I am in pretty much any way that matters, incapable, or just severely immature.

2005-12-05T23:53:00.000+01:00

The last three weeks have been spent working very hard, and I havn't had a chance to post at uni either, because I lost my library card. As is common in educational instutions, the price for a replacement is phenominal (10£ for a piece of card). It doesn't even have a cool bleepy bit, its just a permit for getting in with a number.

Now a little thing Nicky posted the either day,

Because everyone deserves an ego trip every so often!
Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one/a lot of reason[s] why I like/love/adore you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.

Just keep the love within the lines, and we're all good.

:D

2005-11-26T01:31:00.000+01:00

I'll blog tommorow hopefully. The Mac is back. In the mean time, quizzes galore, because I'm bored but too lazy to blog.

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.
You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.
Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.
You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?

I seem to have ran out of REMOTELY interesting ones... maybe I'm just not looking in the right places. I'm going to bed now.

Shouts :-

Hey Charlie, I'll email you back tommorow hopefully, but I'm doing musicky work most of the day, then I gotta do lots of cooking...

I'm not feeling like doing any other 'personal' messages right now, i think i'll just wait till tommorow, or email or something or other.

Night night xxx

2005-11-09T13:30:00.000+01:00

Joel’s Latest

Writing again from uni.

Latest news. I got cut out of my Jesus Christ Superstar gig. The reason for this according to the MD is I’m not good enough, the reason according to the guy who got me the gig is that a) the MD is a prick, and b) he found someone better than me or cheaper. My take on it is that the MD was telling the truth, and he EASILY found someone better.

Anyway, there goes a chunk of money, and a Sunday. Someone took my number for keys playing but it’s so obviously fake. In-fact it seems everything is really obviously fake, and convincing oneself otherwise is just really naïve. Interest in your music, your life, where you live, all that, is just feigned interest. There seems to be no real point to it. It just passes time. Time that is so infinite, that it flows eternally like water. Time that we have so much of, yet so little in the grand scheme of things. Life just seems to be a coasting along thing. I’m not really sure that there is anything fulfilling about it. There are things, which you can find fun, but really its all just killing time. Kill a fuck-load of time and then die. You spend the first however many years of your life being fucked by the education system. If your not one of these people who believe it’s the best years of your life, your spending years learning societies doctrines, consolidating your acting (‘business’) skills, so as to easily pass off an image of yourself. You end up being so subconsciously obsessed with passing off this image to be accepted it least in the higher echelons, if not among nasty students, that you lose who you are. You are just a crude clay model, modelled by teachings, which are obviously less than exemplary, when you see how close-minded that majority of our society is. This is assuming you don’t start of rich, and get sent to a really open school, where the teachers are addressed to by first name, they earn their respect rather than enforcing it. If you do, you probably end up learning to treat people as you would be treated, and to respect rather than rebel. Bah, now I’m acting jealous of a friend. Ah well, human nature I might say.

It just all brings a thought to me- for whom, for what, and for why? Its really inexplicable. Time is such a broad concept. There are so many different interpretations of it. This discussion is futile, its wrong.

Lets tailor this to music.

“The essence of music is unexplainable in words”

Here we find an axiom that is truly self-contradictory. The speaker of these words is offering and explanation. The maxim is only being used to throw a discussion that has become futile, or to prevent one ahead of time, admonishing the ineffectuality.

In democracy there is always a need for discourse, in order to reach a consensus on any given topic. In music, this needs for discourse is superseded. There is less danger of creating a dogma that will outlive its worth. There is less danger of the paradox of democracy, where unresolved problems are needed for its own sustenance. Music could potentially be the truest manifestation of freedom. It is entirely self sufficient, and answers our emotions. The solidarity of the listeners of different music- anti-social sociality! Still if music is completely self sufficient, it is already locked down and protects itself. There is always an end. For some strange reason, endlessness is feared, but on the other side of the coin, why is suicide taboo? Why is dying in your own dream taboo? When consciousness ends it wont resume. Someone else will keep talking, but really it’s all insignificant. It doesn’t matter to US.

Having talked for a page, without having reached any conclusion, I digress, a lot of this is a bunch of bullshit. But I digress….

Anyway. Politics is just as much an art form as music, and really, from what I’ve been saying it would seem they have a lot in common. Think Faust. In the beginning was the Deed? That would mean art beats politics. Imagine if the politicians where judged like musicians, transporting their listeners, the allure of their finesse. They could get away with murder even more than now. Art’s for Art’s sake would be a thing in the past. Even trying to avoid politics, a libertarian statement can be made! Music’s a whore! ‘Ode to Joy’! Stanley Kubrick! Is Beethoven now a fascist? We can’t define things both ways. We can’t make all-seeing judgements on music, whilst keeping it in some ethereal realm. If music is autonomous, who needs who? Language or music? A great chicken and the egg debate. This is what happens when Joel has a really bad day, and is stoned alone.

If I bring this back to real life, I’m fed up. I can’t really articulate this properly though. I’m rather confused, and I don’t truly know what I want from you. Such is life.

News, my computer died, so I won’t be able to talk to anyone much. Also I’m going insane at home. This also couldn’t have happened at a worse time (the computer). Everyones teaming up against me and what a mental case I am. But I can’t reall deny it. Sometimes I wish someone will come and take me away. But they never do. And where would I go? If I’d been in with people at a Uni, I’d have a similar social predicament to the one I have here anyway. Sure I’d go to parties, but I’d be the guy who doesn’t have any circles to stand in, the one who doesn’t get the girl! I’m not going to get started on the rest of silly little insecurities. I’ll just post this.

Hello

2005-10-31T12:51:00.000+01:00

(written last week)

Coming to you one Sunday Evening, from a car. My plans at the moment are to learn the bass parts, and to finish a composition assignment. I then need to check in my diary when I go to work. Then I'm going to either bu an ipod mini I have on loan, or give it ack and buy a nano. I'm also going to order a pair of nice etymotic earphones. Go with my ear plugs and all. I also intend to go looking for pianos

(AN - I havn't really done any of this except a few bass parts..)

A little message for Charlie. Dani tells me you'll be gigging in London next ear? Wha else do you know about said gig? I'll be happy to come along and meet you in the flesh. And- somehow, jam. I'm already excited.

A prostitutes logic

2005-10-29T11:28:00.000+02:00

A rather bizarre blues we made. Its a bit like Tobacco Road... think the Edgar Winters one.

Our notes:-

Lyrics

(lyrics done in a deep voice like on Cosmic Debris until further notice when they will be bluesily sung)

Chorus
Ill sell you my metronome
- if you just give me some time
- iambic pentameter, rhythm n rhyme

Verse 1
A prostitutes logic, isn’t easily defined.
You just pay them with liquor, and cheap red wine.
was walking down the streets, lookin’ for a fight,
Round bout half past ten, I met a lady of the night, (approached by a)
I said, I want you to make love to me,
and I want you, (STOP) mmm just to do it just right (hold right like in bac road),

Verse 2
My BPM…
It’s the highest in town.
(I) ‘got Bebop and swing feel J
So there’s no need to frown
Y’all high offa my music,
n my sweet sensual sounds,
My grooves r so infectious,
They let No-body down.

(chorus)

Verse 3
(sung – Think edgar winter – Think ‘Tobacco Road’)
Ill sell you my time, If you just give me your metronome.\(and) She said this, with sensational slime.
We both knew, our areas of business
Hers is hard work, where as mine is just sweet bliss.

(that last one REEKED of todd!)

Verse 4
I pay by the hour, she agreed to this too,
‘ill fuck your guts out, and cover you in goo.’ (pulp fiction voice)
So I took her back, too my rusty old shack.
Where I spilt my load, all over her back.
She got angry at me, for wasting her time,
So she just said,(STOP IN MUSIC) That’ll be £4.99.

:O

2005-10-29T11:25:00.000+02:00

Tea and Coffee
Chorus

Brown beans,
My fix of Caffeine
Im on top of the world.
I don’t wana let go.
No ohh ohh (1st variation)
I don want a low

End- freak out-

Its makin’ me shake,
Its makin’ me shake,
Its makin’ me shake,
Its makin’ me shake,

Music cuts (blahghughhh {som1 making a throwing up noise})
‘its not my cup’a’ tea…’ – said by lewis or joel

YES. It is official. We are somewhat mad!

Wednesday

2005-10-26T12:18:00.000+02:00

Hello. Wednesday. Yeah.

Progress in songs:

We now have a fully completed chorus for the last set of lyrics I posted to 'Tea and Coffee', and a little break down mantra 'its making me shake'. Also, 'A prostitutes logic' has also been complete in verses and choruses, and I will post both of those again later. We intend to ge 2 more songs written, and record over the winter holidays.

Todd has expressed wishes to see you again, Eleanor, so when you do finally read this, do comment please.

I'm quite excited for Christmas holidays, that I'll see some of my friends again, but also worried about juggling my time between people, and the severe amount of shit tha I've gotta be doing.

Also theres the matter of having to escape he guilt clutches of 'family'. The same ones that condemn me yet still when its convenient for them find me to be necessary, and pull on my guilt strings. And I feel guilty of alot of things.

I'm just thinking it'll be a crap holiday. I blatently won't get to see people enough. Which would fucking suck if you ask me. Not that anyone would ask me, if all they're going to get is this fat moan.

I'm at uni, on one of their computers- for the first time, and I WAS doing an assignment which involved using the online library catalogue, which CRASHED when i had done about a quarter of the assignment. I have till half 2, and I could get it over with but NOOOO. I'm in one of those moods I think...

On Monday my piano lesson was a grand humiliation, and showed in great detail that I lack intelligence. My practice has actually been diminishing since, because of inability to find things, my dark and escapist nature, and a host of of other factors. It's really self-pitying, and that really sums things up for me at the moment.

I am truly a pessimist, and I reall have little faith right now. In my existence that is. I never will have an faith in deities. Thats not meant to be offensive, and it IS extremely closed minded, but having faith in external sources is not for me. I'm not one to expect miracles, and I'm not one who can understand the reasoning behind the concept of religion. All I can see is that it can either make or break humanity with its plays on human nature. Some follow teachings of morals, and some warp the original conceps for war.

Its a two-sided coin.

Our latest masterpiece

2005-10-25T11:18:00.000+02:00

I'm avoiding writing about today, and my current morbidity, so instead I'm writing about the stark contrast of Sunday.

First HALF decent song me and Todd have come up with, though debatebly, the chorus may need some work, though I think I have just the solution.

You can download a recording of verse 1 at http://rapidshare.de/files/6716666/Tea_and_Coffee__Verse_1_.mp3.html

Remember to actually look for the download button there.

And the chorus melody at
http://rapidshare.de/files/6716822/Tea_and_Coffee__Chorus_Melody_.mp3.html

Verse has some dodgy improptu harmonies. Please for the love of god listen to it in stereo, otherwise i'll sound disgusting. But together its v cool.

Chorus is lyricless, todd just makes a sort of noise. I thought it was ridiculous, but today i thought it might be quite cool if all of us make that noise to that tune rather than sing words. Besides I'm not sure what to do for words to THAT melody. - I came up with the verse melody, not the chorus one. If anyone fancies a go, be my guest.

Lyrics of Verses 1 - 4:-

Sipping on, my tea and coffee,
I like it sweet, like toffee,
getting my kicks, on caffeine and sugar licks,
picking up rhythms, sticks of the trade, matching up like the ace and spades

Flowing on, just like a river,
ice cold flor, to make you shiver,
the hot steaming brew thaws away at you,
higher and higher, thats the way, bring it on to me i ain't got all day,

And i drift, in and out,
my throbbing brain, heres a shout
" i'm getting my kicks on caffeine and sugar licks " (says someone else!)
My headaches coming on, I try get away, but deliria(s) (gonna) hit me anyway

I gulped down, my tea and coffee,
i had it sweet, like toffee,
got fake kicks from the coffee andn sugar trick
I just consumed more than I can take, this amount caffeine's making me shake

For any brave people who fancy a play along, WORK OUT THE VERSE YOURSELF. Its not hard.

Chorus is

C9 (2bars) , B7sharp9 (2 bars), E7 1 Bar), C9pushed.... kinda a bar of 2 , then a bar of 4... then a stop on D7sharp 9.

LEGIBLE INNIT. Don't steal the song :D!

COMMENTS PLEASE!!!

2005-10-21T12:28:00.000+02:00

So, it’s Friday at last. Yesterday I worked again. The most exciting part of the day was when a page came through the phones for a Perry to call 56, and when he did he said ‘can I call him back I’m eating a biscuit’, in a thoroughly biscuit ridden voice. I have a 16 bar composition assignment, which I think I’ll sink my teeth into today and tomorrow, which is to write in the style of Abdullah Ibrahim. (The cheerful friendly I IV V style, not the morose one!) I also have a really bizarre assignment to create a radio program. I reckon I’ll go on Oasis (our uni student page) in a few hours and try getting some information on my assignments from it. For now though, I’m taking a well-deserved break to blog, and to email a couple of people. Tomorrow I may get the chance to go the cinema though what I will see is yet to be decided. Sunday morning I am going to see the Wallace and Gromit – AT LAST. I fucking love Wallace and Gromit, and I’ll be vulgar in saying so! Especially after the praises I’ve heard. Then I’m going to rehearse at Todd’s, and then I’m going to see a man about a bass! (Or to be exact, I’m going to go and get pissed in Camden with a man who’s going to give me the Jesus Christ Superstar Score, and fill me in on rehearsals, and the actual nights I’m playing! It’s very exciting – lots of money, West End musicals. Its not where I’d have thought I’d be gigging, but hey its bread.

I’m not in a content mood, but I don’t know why. Maybe I’m jealous of people again…

Bah, love to all

Joel

2005-10-18T15:25:00.000+02:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Joel
Birthday:	16/06/87
Birthplace:	Somewhere in London
Current Location:	Southgate, London
Eye Color:	Brown?
Hair Color:	Brown?
Height:	5 10
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Jew
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Scholls
Your Weakness:	Paranoia, Haemophobia, Pessimism
Your Fears:	Being poor, being alone, not fitting in, being the crap one, being betrayed, spinning doors
Your Perfect Pizza:	Quattro Stagioni
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Theres millions...
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	fuck off
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Oh no, not again
Your Best Physical Feature:	I don't like any
Your Bedtime:	Somewhere between midnight and 5 am
Your Most Missed Memory:	I don't get the question... I can't remember?
Pepsi or Coke:	Neither, i don't like soft drinks
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Neither, I don't like shit food
Single or Group Dates:	I wouldn't know. Havn't had the experience.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	From time to time
Do you Swear:	All the time :(
Do you Sing:	More like hum, and I scat when I'm soloing sometimes
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes, except for when i'm very miserable
Have you Been in Love:	No
Do you want to go to College:	Yes
Do you want to get Married:	Yes
Do you belive in yourself:	I believe in myself like I don't believe in g-d. Beyond existence, no.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Nope, nor sea-sickness.
Do you think you are Attractive:	No.
Are you a Health Freak:	No, I'm a lazy bastard.
Do you get along with your Parents:	Not really, no.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yup, they're PRETTY :D
Do you play an Instrument:	Piano.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes...
In the past month have you Smoked:	One cigarette only.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	No.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	No.
What Do You Enjoy:	Blood, sweat, tears - ie ROCK! Other good music, jamming, composing, hugs, beer, whisky
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	Yes
Ever been called a Tease:	No
Ever been Beaten up:	Yes
Ever Shoplifted:	No
How do you want to Die:	Painlessly but with a choice to say goodbye nicely, and insult the people I hate
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Dead! Or rich enough to be able to play music the whole time, and be good enough to do it.
What country would you most like to Visit:	Australlia
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	I havn't really analysed it.
Favourite Hair Color:	Same here.
Short or Long Hair:	Depends how short short is. None of that shaved rubbish!
Height:	Not fussed. So long as they're not PAINFULLY taller / shorter
Weight:	Why would I care? I suppose it'd be nice to be able to lift em though
Best Clothing Style:	Functional, and anything other than CHAV.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Lets not talk about that.. thats all behind me now..
Number of CDs I own:	Loads
Number of Piercings:	None
Number of Tattoos:	None
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	The millions and millions of failures that now define me
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

2005-10-18T12:05:00.000+02:00

Hey there! It has been a while since the first week, and I’m sorry I’m not updating enough, but it truly hasn’t been an option. Last 2 weeks I have been practicing a ton, focusing on several different areas. Samba (batucada mainly), Parker solos, funk grooves, and technique. I’ve also managed to at long last find myself a job, which I do each Thursday, and that pays 6.25£ per hour. I work approximately 8-5, so I’m saving to firstly buy one of those new I-pods then to buy a new piano (and sell my current one of course.) I’ll have to try a lot of piano’s, but that’s not for a while yet! The job is mind-numbingly boring accounting, and a smidgen of computer stuff. Somebody there asked me what I was doing at Uni, and I told them I was doing a jazz degree (because I am!), and they asked what I intend to do afterwards, and I put on my most sarcastic voice, and said become an accountant. Bah It wasn’t funny… what do you expect from me?

I am and have been, pretty stressed, because my time is being weighed on pretty heavily. Stuff is difficult! I guess it’s meant to be, but still … my standard is really shit here, and its fucking annoying.

I am eternally going to feel socially excluded I believe, because I am, and because I’m a ridiculous pessimist! Nobody really seems to want to know me here. I’m finally on good terms with everyone I think, - enough to exchange pleasantries, but nothing advances anymore than that, while for everyone else, it does. Most on my course are in halls and a lot of them are in the same wings. I also kept telling myself before I went to uni that maybe I’d find me a girl there – a musicky one. Who the fuck was I kidding? There are hardly any musicky girls here, and the ones there are – frankly I hate their personalities. Quite sad really. Poor Joel, all alone!

Nobody really wants to anything social with me, so I’ve basically got the friends I had before uni to have fun with. And sods law is in operation that the times they have do not tally with the times I do. Those who are in London seem impossible. You get to chat occasionally, but the moment you suggesting meeting people, it all goes wrong. And before a certain person starts moaning, I’m only suggesting meeting people who are based locally, or whose area I am in whilst journeying to someone else (so basically Trent Park or for a very small part of Saturdays Hampstead Heath) :P Sorry!

This does not make me happy, it’s a bit of a stupid situation for me, doesn’t make things any easier… bah humbug.

THE END

By Joel

2005-09-27T20:05:00.000+02:00

Didn't have to come in for anything, but came in at half 1 anyway, and got my Student ID card and my NUS card. I still need a fiver so I can apply for something which makes London transport a wee bit cheaper. I'm not sure how much. I would reseach it online, but I'm typing this entry over a beer in the Union. There was some strange book fair and i bought a book called The magician. You know the sort of things.. mages and stuff. Great fun! (Assuming you like that kind of thing- which I do. That, sc-ifi, and tintin!) Then I jammed till about 5 (its half 5 now!). Not really got much to say. got some more phone numbers today and yesterday. I'm generally alright. I completed my first assignment early, handed it in today. It was to attribute chords to a score of happy birthday they gave us. It was very grimly covered in chords! I think I fucked it up a bit at the end, because I simply refuse to write slash chords :S. No Dani, not GNR chords. GNR don't understand chords. Its just one and five for them. A kinder garden kid could do it! Everyones still better than me lol, surprise surprise. I managed to do a few things, but I still seem to be prone to mistake making. I need to do some practice. Err what else. I think thats it. When I said comment on my blog I didn't mean link me to aload of fucking dating agencies. Joel out.

One week down, rest of term to go!

2005-09-25T20:13:00.000+02:00

Well then. Lets see they got my name as Ison instead of Wajnrych Ison (which it says on my passport) and they won't let me have an ID with just Ison on it, so I have to have one that looks like a bird shat on it.

Erm I won't write anything in order. Over the course of the week I jammed, discovered I sucked and everyone else was better than me. Practiced ages and made no improvement. Tried to write some musics, came up with some nice vamps. Met up with a friend from JFS, really enjoyed it, and crave meeting again. Thats a bit of a strong word, but I do really look foward to it. I've been searching for somebody to see The Dirty Feel with but I can't find anyone. They're really awesome band. Rock/funk.. kinda like meters, led zep, and general rockingness all rolled into one tasty thing. I've been playing with zooming on images. I played cheesily and in the shadows. I showed inability to do anything halfway decent solo except night in Tunisia (even then my soloing on it was lifeless), i recorded myself a few times over the week , am extremely dissapointed. Been trying to make some friends, seem inept at it though. Got a goodie bag from uni containing all sorts of stuff. Mistook condoms for headache pills and then keyrings. Don't ask. I doubt I'll need them anyway. I know I won't need them actually, not unless I somehow devise a love potion, which i much doubt. Erm yeah thats pretty much it. Except I saw lots of rabbits and squirrels. Oh and today I acted as a psychotic teacher. It was boring. Noticed that I hate people AGAIN. Fuck them. Oh and I hate chav's too. And why do some pubs only serve crappy beers? And why is all their bacon so salty that i need about 1500 pints to recover?
Why does the world delight in winding me up?

Bah. Love to all. From the self pitying, egoless sod.

CIAO for noow :D . im not happy but i always write lots of stupid acronyms and stuff anyway. and i've given up on doing nice pretty blogs with the grammar being impeccable. one day when i have alot of time on my hands...

please comment on my blog. remind me that you exist. then i will blog more regularly. then i wont spend my days bottling up and being an actor feigning happines and contentness and general characteristics of an optimist OR a simpleton.

He's back

2005-09-19T19:00:00.000+02:00

I'm back. From the dead. After skipping August entirely. Y'all got my e-mail. First day at Uni. We met our head of music, called Peter Fribbs, and Stuart Hall, who was our ACTING head of department, (department being Jazz.) Stuart Hall is a guitarist of insane calibre.

Anyway, he was a fairly funny guy. After him talking to us, giving us timetables, telling us where the library was, and making crappy jokes, we got an hour of break. We introduced ourselves to each other. Others seemed to be making friends out of this, where I just seemed to be making acquaintances. Then we had to do some adminstrative garbage, getting ID cards etcetera. It didn't happen. My passport surname didn't tally with their surname for me, meaning that I don't get my ID card, meaning i don't get my SU (studen union) card, and meaning I don't get my library card. Fun. Games.

Then I met 2 of our alleged 6 pianists (including myself), and we played to each other. One is a mature student with very good knowledge of industry, since he was involved in house music, and fairly good jazz player, but nothing special. Couldn't read, not much technique either. The third was bloody good with his voicings, and had pretty good technique. Depressingly so, but oh well. At least I had a bigger repertoire than most there.

Then there was a big QA session with Stuart, where he asked for a volunteer bassist, drummer and pianist. I ended up doing piano, as nobody else raised their hand. No bassists appeared, and we had a drummer. We played a Bb blues (quickchange) and he suddenly stopped it when i played a 2 note count Basie lick. (simply the tonic 2 swung quavers on b1, just like in Duke's C-Jam blues. Then talked about what could be done with it. Then a discussion about deciding who the most important muso's were/are, then a disscussion about technical terms for things that go on in bebop licks.

After that, I tried to hang around with some people but I was obviously an uneccessary addition, so I had a beer in the SU bar, then sat around a while staring into space. Eventually I went 'home'. I don't really call home home anymore.. i just say.. going back. I don't feel very at home at home. My mum is ever the nasty person.

I'm feeling rather dark.

2005-07-31T21:29:00.000+02:00

The house I live in is hardly conducive to creativity. It seems wherever I am trying to do anything nobody fucking gives a shit about giving me some space. They'll even leave music on when they aren't present but forbid me from turning it off. Then they'll have the radio on in every room and refuse to turn it off. It fucks me off. Why can't people just be considerate. I know people who's families make a big effort not to cause anyone even the slightest annoyance - and its their NORM. Our norm is to go out and cause distress it seems.

I wish I just had some support or at least understanding for the music. "Why do you have to rehearse that long?" "You still haven't finished writing songs?" Etcetera, fill it in for yourself. Fucking hell I don't the injustice. Some parents force their kids to do music when they don't want to, and any others try and force it out of you. Fucking hell its as bad as Harry Potter's issue with magic..

Bands been writing today and plan on doing more tomorrow. Its going a bit lunatic in my opinion. Done some very cool shit, but nobody seems to fucking care about structure and its driving me mad. Apparently we're not going to try out this zany guy who wants to be a rock star. I'm very pissed off at peoples on and off attitudes to me at the moment too. Nobody reading this though. There's a lot in my head, but I just can't seem to get it out. But I need to...

August 18th draws ever closer. I'm not happy...

I hear my parents ranting about something mundane... such a damn aggressive atmosphere here. Its never calm. Its always threatening. I swear nothing I try seems to work... I suppose it at least kinda clears my conscience.

2005-07-31T20:23:00.000+02:00

The house I live in is hardly conducive to creativity. It seems wherever I am trying to do anything nobody fucking gives a shit about giving me some space. They'll even leave music on when they aren't present but forbid me from turning it off. Then they'll have the radio on in every room and refuse to turn it off. It fucks me off. Why can't people just be considerate. I know people who's families make a big effort not to cause anyone even the slightest annoyance - and its their NORM. Our norm is to go out and cause distress it seems.

I wish I just had some support or at least understanding for the music. "Why do you have to rehearse that long?" "You still haven't finished writing songs?" Etcetera, fill it in for yourself. Fucking hell I don't the injustice. Some parents force their kids to do music when they don't want to, and any others try and force it out of you. Fucking hell its as bad as Harry Potter's issue with magic..

Bands been writing today and plan on doing more tomorrow. Its going a bit lunatic in my opinion. Done some very cool shit, but nobody seems to fucking care about structure and its driving me mad.

And my parents are driving me mad too. I think its time for those barbiturates...

2005-07-31T13:23:00.000+02:00

A lot to say today, and it isn't all related. I'd like to start by writing what i wrote in an e-mail i sent round. Michael Brecker, one of Jazz's best, probably the most influential tenor player around, is ill. He has something called MYD, and what I understand with my lacking comprehension skills is that he needs asap a stem cell transplant. He is a musician who many people I know have met, and have always been treated kindly. Not only is he a great straight-ahead jazz player, he's done some great jazz-rock fusion, and crossed the bridge of funk and RnB sax. He's one of the most recorded artists ever. I ask what his wife asks... to donate. Especially as I can't do my bit. I know some of you may know I'm haemophobic. If you don't know you do now. It means I'm scared of blood, and unfortunately its more extensive than that. I've tried to fight it and do the right thing by giving blood twice before, and bone marrow once, and all 3 times, it didn't go exactly to plan... suffice to say I'm to scared to go and donate stem cells again... please don't tell me its easy... its probably easy if you don't have my problem.

Anyway, I sent the email round, with that in mind, and with one recipient I got a hell of a lot more. I'm not going to elaborate in case its a breach of privacy. I'll let him mention it to all in his own time, if he intends to.

Really, this makes my problems look like nothing, but nevertheless, this blog is meant to be for me to keep you up to date with what's happening, and for me to stay in the open. Yesterday, I didn't get to sleep at all. I spent all night in the darkness, thinking miserable thoughts. Things that scared me, people who'd betrayed my trust, friends I thought I had, but never did, girls I once liked, and various other confusions. It all just seems to culminate if you've got nothing over-riding it. I've written a song for the band, and its pretty much down. Our guitarist has written two, and we have one by our bass player. We're meeting the bass player to try finish everything half done. We also plan to rehearse our old one, 'The Man', and attempt to rerecord it, because we found a relatively tight live take on a camcorder of a rehearsal, and it was much tighter than we thought possible! But it won't be the same with Eleanor. If your reading this dear, I will feel incredibly privileged if you think of a way of recording the vocals in Israel, if we send you an instrumental. It would be an immense kindness, but I appreciate its not really fair, and its a bit of a dream in my head to be honest. No matter... love you anyway.

We're also apparently going to be experimenting with a potential singer, who is allegedly stupidly nice, musically brilliant, but has dreams to become a rock star, and has a stupendously high voice, and very camp. Thats what I've heard. I said that camp would make him look a good front man... He plays loads of instruments to, and studies music... sounds interesting.

We will see.

I hate sarcasm. Drives me fucking insane when people just have to be nasty, when your perfectly harmless, and have never done anything to them. They just feel the need to be anti-you. I wish i knew why.

I'm not going to write everything thats bothering me now. I'm way too tired. Ps, shout to Eleanor - I'll email you very soon.

2005-07-27T15:02:00.000+02:00

I had an argument with my parents about grades.

2005-07-26T21:28:00.000+02:00

Hey y'all. I'm in a relatively good mood at the moment. I came back from going out with a mate I had not caught up with in a while, and it was fairly enjoyable. I'm having some slightly depressing thoughts about people as well though but, I guess that’s a part of me that I don't really like. I assure you I will still be writing here despite the infrequency. I just want to post this limerick that my friend Nicky wrote on her live journal. She did a post offering to make limericks for her friends! (I would do this but you blatantly wouldn't put your name down, and I'd be crap at it anyway. Nevertheless if there’s any demand...

"There was a young man named Joel, who in life had only one goal, to make music all day, to the crowds he would play, in the styles of jazz funk and soul."

If I was being niggly, this makes me sound like a smooth jazz player- need I say more? But I'm sure this was not intentional. Nicky knows my music, and is just as (in my opinion more) musical as I. (I don't know her opinion on this.) Not that it really matters.

Also, I'd like to do some shouts at to some other people- Charlie, thank you for making one of my friends’ days, and for making mine countless times, even If I don’t always, or much really I’m ashamed to say, thank you for it.

And thanks to Dani as well, for the same thing. That’s all the shouts I have for now. Hope everyone is well… I’ll write something more in depth about something else next time.

2005-07-23T19:18:00.000+02:00

I had a discussion late last night about the band, and we came to the conclusion that a disgusting pseudo-intellectual death-metal band (who have a much longer name for their alleged self-styled genre), are tighter than us. And we know some of the players. And we no they suck. They're tighter than us. Not just by a little bit. A long way. That feels fucking horrible. We've been playing together for 2 years, and what have we achieved??? One song. Little Green Hen. Is that really an achievement. Sure its very amusing. But fucking hell listen to how sloppy we sound!!! After TWO YEARS!! We were rehearsing twice a week when we had 2 gigs. And they still sounded horribly sloppy. I have no problems with our guitarist, and he has no problems with me, but we hardly have a better option for the mess that is our drum and bass. For years I've wanted to be in a good band. Every single-time we're nearly there, it goes wrong. The closest time the music was incredible. But nobody else cared. It was like a dream coming true... but It just didn't work because I was badgering people to do it, despite the fact that we had gigs lined up at real venues! I was 15 for fucks sake! So were most of the others. We had an incredible sounding jazz quintet, with 5 originals, and we sorted it so quickly! And it just dwindled into nothingness. Now with Blueform (feedback) it feels like the same. We have tackled some very hard things. We're good players. But everything sounds so horribly mediocre because its such a mess. Its almost non-musical. And now we're being nagged by our guitarist to each write a song by the end of the month, because he still has faith. I'm SHIT at writing. Can't do it to save my life. Everything i write sucks. Lets be honest. Its futile. I'd rather go and whack my head against a brick wall, and with all the other stuff I'm contending with at the moment, I assure you that when I've finished with this, I WILL hit my head against a brick wall. I can't be bothered to proofread this just so you know. Bringing me on to my next point. The tubes are all (at the least the ones I'd want) down, and I'm stuck here. I'm stuck in this house with my parents. All day. Everyday. Nobody wants to see me and anyone who does lives somewhere stupid. Its practically impossible for me to get into London now anyway so meeting at any halfway points isn't really realistic. Life all seems the more monotonous when we see that I'm incapable of achieving anything whatsoever. Yesterday it became apparent that I'm actually becoming insane. The effects of being cooped up with my only company being insults about the fact of my existence and constant regret at giving birth to me, and my own silent agreement as I long to cry but cannot show any sign of weakness. Then the next minute, I'm telling people I'm fine. I feel better. But it always comes back. Everything bad always comes back... its always in the shadows. And I wish people would leave me alone. There is no-end to how inconsiderate and spiteful people can be...

All the terrorist acts we've been seeing are a testimonial to that. Its ashame they're so pointless. Its not like they're diffusing the stench of capitalism. They just make matters worse. We are doomed to live in an unjust world, and we are powerless to change it. Makes you feel like killing yourself, when its put like that, doesn't it?

2005-07-17T11:21:00.000+02:00

I have not been posting that frequently, and I was about to right about why, and various problems going on for me, but instead I'd just like to tell you all that the new Laurent De Wilde album is fucking awesome. He is my favourite keyboard player...

2005-07-12T01:57:00.000+02:00

I have not updated in a few days, I dare say that means I will write an essay soon simply due to matters of balance. I've been playing too much World of Warcraft, I've been too moody and paranoid, and I've been generally me-ish. This holiday seems to be indicating that I'm a living waste of time...

I've been getting REALLY in to Nine Inch Nails after seeing them. They are SOO good. I want to crawl into Trent Reznor's head and find out what is going on.

2005-07-09T11:00:00.000+02:00

Today is one of the days that from the moment I wake up, I have sincerely regretted it. Such is life. Commit a few murders and there might be an improvement. There probably will not be though.

2005-07-07T16:12:00.000+02:00

Well. There's going to be a lot of word twisting, and a lot of racism now... great.

On top of the fucking olympics being in this undeserving dump. Blair is very lucky with this attack. It could have been a hell of a lot worse. Could have been a lot better too if trains had stopped plowing on, but its happened now. Slimy git... deserves the hysteria...

I feel sorry for anyone arabic or arabic looking in London right now...

A small minority stirs up hatred... then things get worse... what an infernal loop. I have no hope for peace while there is such a distinction between groups. I was going to be avoiding France for 8 years lol... they're practically in mourning. Its obvious why 'we' got it. Its because Tony Blair smiled like the prize winning dog he is, and Jaques Chirac told the truth. I use the term we loosely, because I don't feel any reason I should feel British. Its just land. People make such a fuss over geography... i really don't understand it. Well I guess now I'll have to try ignore the even bigger scary racism I've been hearing out of Jewish mouths for 7 years...

And they really think they're any better ... fine, there have been hardly any Jewish suicide bombers, but really if the majority is going to bring themselves down to racism... tell their kids they can't be friends with arabs... fucking hell.. no wonder there is such resentment! Chosen people ... how convenient... Meh, you know me and religion... lets not go any further.

Maceo Parker was awesome.

My mood has gone round in memory circles again, and I've had a shit day today. I feel that I need a hug, but realistically I'll survive and pull through things. I'm not so bad right now. I'm not sure that I'm in any mood at all overall.. just a few things I feel like ranting about... strange

A hectic week

2005-07-05T15:51:00.000+02:00

Well that pretty much summarizes it really, but I dare say some of you might want some more detail than that. Sunday was kick ass mainly, since it was in that incredibly cool studio. You can seep pictures of it on its website so that you feel even more jealous. The site is http://www.angelstudios.co.uk

It was a sign that things pull together when there is a degree of pressure involved.

Yesterday was okay, and last night was relatively good. Went to Dave Holland. Bumped into school music teacher :S. They did the same shit of giving the first half to another group, but this team it wasn’t any Nordic crap, but an interestingly mediocre post-bop clarinettist. The second half was in a word amazing. The best bit was when Dave Holland’s big band played simple harmonies over a slow tempo blues, and one of the saxophonists really screamd… and yeah it was cool.

Then went to our prom but only for a bit. Left early. I don’t know how people could have stomached it from 9pm till 3am, but I guess its their problem if they’re thick and simple-minded…

”Ooh it’s a party. Dance.” Or alternatively pull. I’m not a fucking sheep; I’ll do what I like. I’ll dance when I want to, and if I don’t feel bad about that, and you do, I don’t care. It’s not my problem. I don’t want to pull some stupid stereotype superficial Jew girl anyway, especially some bitch that pretends to be desperate just so she can have an extra piece of bling for the night. Or all the sluts or ego-trippers you get at this stuff. I know that’s not all the girls. It’s those I have the misfortune of knowing/knowing of, except for an extremely small minority, who don’t fulfil some characteristic that I hate. It was quite a nice friendly atmosphere though, however unreal it was. I was persuaded to go and I guess I would have regretted it if I hadn’t and I guess it was a laugh, but to be honest it just left me feeling miserable, kind of that I had found nothing that I could really take away from the night that I’d want. No girl, no new stay in contact that will realistically happen.

BlahL. I didn’t really walk in expecting to though. I just seemed to think I might miss something. I’m going try stay in some contact with some that may be useful later in the career…

I have a lot of good things going on, but I’m still on my downer, and I don’t really know what it is. Lack of friends who are truly readily accessible (This is nobodies fault. My friends really do rock- except for the ones that don’t but they’re not my friends because they’ve probably fucked me over or want to like the rest of the world…or alternatively they don’t know me.)

As I came into school today for a sax lesson, I reckon there were some believers in the stalking theory. Oh and I met a bitch of old times. I felt very … threatened for want of a better word. I keep trying to not worry about stuff, but I watch my words so much and my actions… I get very analytical and act very cautiously, despite a degree of honesty and bluntness where I feel there won’t be worse repercussions. It’s like my life is an eternal prisoner’s dilemma.

If anyone doesn’t understand what prisoner’s dilemma is, and would like me to right a mini essay on what I know about game theory, and the standard version of prisoner’s

My Madness in a Song

2005-07-03T22:31:00.000+02:00

Name the influences. I'd say Ian Dury, Chaz Jankel, The Beatles, Frank Zappa, and a hint of Razorlight.

Spent the day in the 3rd best studio in London - free. It normally costs 2500£ per day, for an engineer and an assistant, which is what we had. It was a great opportunity, so we recorded my zaniness with the band.

You can download the full mixdown here, Here , or the 'karoake' version here:- Here

Those links should work. PS, Scroll down.

2005-06-30T12:03:00.000+02:00

Hi, I’m in school. I came in as I had to hand my books in, and to see a friend. I have handed in my books now, and have yet to hand in my security pass/fake the signature (I don’t intend to hand it in, but I need a copy of the signature to fake, OR alternatively ill just hand it in without it then piss off quick. I’m going to after this write out an envelope and submit my book handing in form…

So basically, I have a lot of time on my hands today, till 3 in fact, and then I’m heading to the pub as already mentioned. Should be good. There will be some vitals missing, but for their sake I am going to do my best to have a good time, and it should be very possible! Not the same though heh.

I have a lot to say today, and a lot of time to do it, so expect an essay of incredible proportions. I’d like to say big up Eleanor and Emma!! (Yay for them) They won’t be able to make today’s pub going, but went out with me the other day, which was good. They’ll pretty soon be heading off to Israel and America respectively, and this was the quite possibly, but not definitely the last time I will see them for at least a very long time. I’d just like to mention them, because I’m not speaking to that many people on this blog, and it seems fitting that my friends should know about one another’s existence. Yes I have not really been talking to either of you for that long, Eleanor probably about 1 and a half years, and Emma, on and off until recently where we’ve been talking more. You’re two people that I feel very happy to have met, (out of JFS, believe it not!) Who would have thought? I’ll move on, they’ll move on, and we’ll keep chatting. There’s reason friendships can’t stay strong. So long as I get a bit of your time, you’ll always be getting a lot of mine! I find that it’s great to know people who can be positive or well focused. Eleanor showed me its possible to believe in yourself above others, to be as such self centred, and to be a great person to know at the same time. Now I have to embrace the outlook… I haven’t at the moment thought of a comment for you Emma but rest assured, I’ll invent a cocktail in your name at some point, hah. Keep contact with me. Using a blog is a great way to do that. Thankies!

Okay, that’s done. Now I’d like to level a ridiculous accusation made of me, and demonstrate with the integrity, that they seem to be missing out on, and bitterness that they’re not.

I have been accused of stalking someone. Now THAT is hilarious. Most people who know me well, if they were asked who was least likely to do that, it would be me. Before I give you the background to the situation, although this imbecile won’t read and wouldn’t accept this, I’d like to give a brief lesson on the English language. Use a fucking dictionary, and think about what your accusing people of, especially if you’re going to spread it around. Lets first look at what the verb stalking means. I don’t think it’s takes a genius therefore to understand what the noun would mean. Stalking:-

1. To follow an animal or person as closely as possible without being seen or heard, usually in order to catch or kill them: The police had been stalking the woman for a week before they arrested her.
2. To illegally follow and watch someone, usually a woman, over a period of time:
He was arrested for stalking.

Follow closely? I know this persons area and I know where they live. They have damn well shown me, when they still seemed to think I was sane. I hardly see myself going there more than the once that I have done. It’s full of assholes from my school and relevant Jewish Circles that I do not want to be involved with. Neither am I trying to not be seen or heard. I travel home on a school bus. Well WOW, you happen to come to the same school on me! There’s the first bus at 7.10. OMG I get on the same fucking bus!?! I go to the same school. I play at the same charity concert, which I got asked to do well before some stupid immature choir (apologies to one person with a brain in it).

People can be so self-obsessed that they’re blind to the world. I can also rant at people if they’re going to spread lies about me. I might be worth talking about these imbecilic women (no I’m not insulting the whole sex, I’m insulting a group within it) who prop up old stereotypical sexist treatments and perceptions of them. The idiots who think Feminism is a fashion statement. Bridget Jones???? Feminism??? How much are we going to regress without you idiots noticing? Bridget Jones is no better than older thoughts on women. She’s not damn well independent! These women who think that she is feminism and that they are feminist, tell me are the same people who will fall head over heels in depression because they don’t have a boyfriend. These are probably the same women you see on pimp my ride, or doing business studies, or working in your local top shop. Yes I know some people who do business studies don’t fit into this, but lets face it, it’s a stereotype that can be argued much more validly than “Guys suck”, and any of the derogatory rubbish you here about a whole sex. It’s just a different fucking anatomy. Are any guys reading this familiar with the incidents of a really unintelligent girl telling you that she’s more clever than you because women have bigger brains or something, or because she doesn’t watch sport or whatever, and then laughing like a bimbo? Personally I don’t treat women any differently to men. (Or the other way round, however you look at it.) There is no reason that I should, difference means some people are going to assume superiority.

Then there’s the people who wear Che Guevara, call themselves communist, but still go around happily with their mp3 players, their green’s, and everything related to that. Your communist? Get the fuck out of England, and stop being such a consumer sheep. Its no better than half heartedly following a religion only because your family do it. Get your own opinions, and your own experience. I don’t count myself as a communist because I’m not. I’m not sure what I count myself as politically, but I have rather anarchic opinions.

Anyone back to stalking. There was no following involved. I’ll now give some background. The accuser was someone a met a number of months ago, talked to them on our bus for a while, swapped email addresses. Had quite a nice email bouncing session, which was quite open, and they said they enjoyed. Set them up an msn since they were inept at computers too. Anyone talked for months, blah. A lot of emotion got poured to me, and I poured back. I was under the impression I was needed, simply as I was told so, and that I was a great friend. Suddenly, seemingly out of the blue to me, they stopped making any contact to me. Started as good as blanking me when I say hi, then accusing me of not making conversation. A little time later stopped talking. Still kinda acknowledged them automatically, but they stopped acknowledging me. I don’t talk to them anymore. Have their mobile and their msn. Might I just mention I haven’t used either for months? All I got is a message from then on msn while I was out asking me to stop looking at them as I was allegedly freaking her out. So we have a ‘communist’ ‘feminist’ beck here, though I’d like to hope it’s more complicated than that, and therefore more worth destroying my ability to trust.

This is what I get for being a friend, and for being a considerate human being and going away when I’m told to (after the msn.) I get people I don’t even know telling my friends that I’m stalking someone?

Now maybe you’ll all wonder less why I’m so automatically defensive, and untrusting. This wasn’t an isolated incident for me, though the method of being betrayed, and the accusation is a very new thing.

I have talked about this recently to people, as I talked about culture issues (not in here yet). I didn’t go through a few years of laughing at ‘naughty’ words. I didn’t no any swearing when I came to secondary school, and I didn’t know the difference between the anatomy of a girl or a boy. I didn’t understand the notion or point of going out, and, as I grew older, and to this date, I have never actively obsessed (contacted as well), over a girl, and I have never been interested in one for more than 5 days. I never bug them about an interest, not that I’ve had many serious interests. I generally find out they have a boyfriend, or they don’t like me, and for whatever the reason is, I go away.

People invent rubbish for themselves as a result of the prevalent obsession with gossip about who fancies who. I don’t know, maybe its cool to accuse someone of stalking you? Maybe its because you think your such a radical feminist that everyone is out to get you? Some people expect people to go out without them, just because one side is interested. This does not work. Guilt-tripping someone and moaning that they should give you a first chance is not giving someone respect. If they think your ‘minging’ its not a good start. I don’t believe that there is a set person out there for everyone. Its complete rubbish. There is perhaps someone for everyone, but whether everyone will have access to someone is an altogether different matter. Though to be honest, I think its fucking stupid to see all these relationships in school which people seem to just have so they can say they’re together. Fuck experience. If two people match you don’t need it. Personality is more important than being a slut. On the guy front or the girl front, however your orientated, nobody isn’t whole on their own. You only think you are because of the evils of western media obsessed culture. When there’s an economic breakdown, Africa will come on top. Then their corruption will be hidden and the Western corruption exposed. Not that it isn’t already..

Thoughts?

I’m not sure of the validity of everything here, I’m quite miserable, and I’m also quite annoyed, but I have a hopefully enjoyable evening ahead of me, and a nice but early day tommorow, but I’m sure I can say that people should offer one another a modicum of respect, or just mutual acceptance that you live on the same planet as them. There should be a more collective effort to improve as people, to think before you act, and to stop going around damaging other people and leeching without at least trying to help yourself SOMETIMES. Treat as one wants to be treated. Lets face it for the majority that ain’t going to happen. Life isn’t that rosey. Quite depressing actually…

Lol…

2005-06-29T20:52:00.000+02:00

Sunday I played a charity concert at my school (as part of a larger evening), set up by our head of music, and his family, as a tribute to his mother, who died at some point earlier. I played a Jewish tune, Ose Shalom, and an over-ambitious Night in Tunisia (with a fucked up attempt at a Bud Powell Solo, which I could play 15 times better every day except today.) Anyway the Night in Tunisia playing, and my general playing sounded very 'lick-a-day', and my playing has been very ungroovy for a bit. Got some compliments and attention from people i was happy to get it from, and some from people I didn't really want to know, but already did know. Played the Jewish tune well, and the jazz one crapply, which pees me off because I don't really want to become a Jew pianist.

Thats my doubts. I cant be bothered right now to outline the subtle nuances. Goodnight.

MONDAY:

Right did my music exam. I didn't finish the listening exam, namely because of a distraction involving a certain someone singing. The history paper went for the most part shite too. Now I'm going to do what I did last year. Listen to everyone tell me I didn't do shit, after a lot of argument, then prove them wrong, though believe me I don't want to. I feel rather crap about the pressure on me, and 'something missing' in life generally... hmm.

Tuesday I went to school, met up for the last time in a long time, or forever with two good friends. :(. My birthday pub bash, we'll see what happens. Depends on how many people come. I know Todd will and Ezra will... others I won't rely on, but it might go well...

Wednesday, I'm still thinking about YMM (Saturday school thing..), and my dislike of a sniping gossipy attitude of arrogance and ego prevalent in the people there, which wasn't there when i started up. It used to be a reprise to my week times. I don't want to go though due to a few assholes who don't even understand what they're doing wrong... Culture fucks people up I think... I'll write about my thoughts on that in more detail...

Let me just mention that in the time it takes to wank, quite a lot of avoidable deaths result from poverty. I believe the figure is 60. Then look at how narrow and superficial people are. And the crazes of fashionable personalities...

Today my racist, confrontational, self centered mother has spent all day putting nasty comments at me. Which is really enjoyable I don't think. Again I will post in more detail in my own time.

Tommorow I'm going into school in the afternoon, as I forgot a book I need to hand in. Then its off to the pub, and I MUST NOT get drunk, its very important. So anyone in this country who can come down, or use a phone, and would like to take 15 seconds out of their time to remind me of that when I have access to lots of alcohol may and should do so.

My mood is very confused.

2005-06-27T23:36:00.000+02:00

I have now lost ALL respect for Judaism. And I have lost all trust of anyone who I don't already trust now. I'd like to thank the assholes out there, who hopefully aren't reading this, and certainly haven't been in the past (not that I know of) who've turned me even more paranoid.

2005-06-25T23:36:00.000+02:00

I did that hell quiz again, didnt jinx, but was acutely aware today of some of the very bad ways people can act... and i dont see myself doing that... but now i cant see myself being happy (not cos of this silly unreliable quiz,,,

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Musings of a musician - To be or not to be?

2005-06-24T18:05:00.000+02:00

As i sat listening to the Beatles telling everyone to do what they want to do, and go where they're going to, i read a post by a friend I made via blogging, who is a damn good muso, and a very nice guy- who hasn't judged me on age.

He posted about how at his bands regular slot, less and less people have been turning up, and asks where the love is, and why there is a complacency.

It reminds me of something our main guitarist, and his dad, say to me endlessly, by way of advice. Generally his dad gives very optimistic advice, but in the past he's always had incredible perception, being a hardened veteran over everything music really... credentials like playing with police, and recording all sorts.

He offers a stark contrast to the father of our bass player, who was the keyboard player with Ian Dury and the blockheads, who is less blunt, but probably more boyish and less rational.

Anyway, our pessimist, who is also an extremely generous person, will be referred to by his name, Paul. Paul has given me a multitude of different advice on different topics, which always seems hard to follow at the time, but in retrospect was easy.

He went to my school when he was young. And he got expelled... I naturally assumed things were biased. Friends organized a gig that we thought were going to be great. We mobilized fast, as a band, with determination I'd never before seen in the members, and will probably never see again in any of them except this guitarist. Still, all he seems to be determined to do is get better, which is all very nice and useful, but doesn't really have the thrill of communicating with an audience. It was at my school, (hired), but wasn't officially a JFS gig.

Paul - “Joel, I don't care, whatever you do, this is doomed to be a JFS event. Get clear while you can.”

We all shirked off this advice which was really directed at several of us. He has given endless negative gig advice, and a little bit of positive, and hes always been right. There is something he always repeats, when we consider organizing gigs ourselves, (as we don't really know how to get), and its that theres only so many times you can ask your mates to come to a gig. And its not very many times. Trusting your friends to make an audience, or the audience who enjoy a concert to return is really optimistic. Here people go to gigs for being fucking socialite. Nobody takes advantage of the insane abundance of good (and bad) live music you can get here. You spend months working on something... and you get nothing. Thats my experience of gigging so far really. I've had some nice nights of buzz, but most times, you get sweet fuck all. Its funny that as I read someone else's pledges of determination, i found myself sinking back to my usual state of morose despair. At least I still have the faith to practice, and I'd take gigs happily, and so would our pessimist's son, (who isn't as bad on that front, except for on the friends coming to your gigs bit/ regulars), but I don't think anyone else has felt a decent return for it. What do i need to do to revitalize stagnation. Yes a jam is all very nice, but frankly we've got enough crap versions of cliché funk tunes to fill a feature length documentary about amateur bedroom bullshit. I'm fucking pissed off that others can not be bothered, certainly not about this group anyway, when theres such a high level of musical potential, if not gig-wise or money wise. I don't want to get rich of this shit, I'd just like to be able to play fairly regularly and be seen. Is that so much to ask? At the moment I don't even know how to start if I want a cocktail piano job. Yes I've been practicing repertoire. I understand that side of things. I wish I could learn about business. Any REAL money gigs I've done anyway have been humiliating bull – Barmitzvah's. I got more gigs out of bloody school concerts, where you don't get taken seriously simply because of where you are, than at anywhere 'real'. I guess a better face – the two decent gigs – union chapel last year, union chapel the year before, though to be fair they weren't related, and they were reliant on others for the gig. Incidentally on July 9th, I have a gig somewhere on Hampstead Heath I THINK, with a Saturday musical school thing. Its got some good players and some shit players in it. Its two songs by an okay big band I'm in, and two songs by a Jazz ensemble, with a high diversity of standard. Frankly, is pisses me off, when I've known bands to have previously good with other personnel, and I'm in them, for them to be doing great material, with a shit group. It holds you down. Our uber guitarist is great, and he works on the drummer, and I work on the bass player, and when that works, we have a great platform, but we're not really platforming much, because theres only 2 out of our 8000 sax players that have any fire, and nobody has real fire except our guitarist. I'm very firey on a good day allegedly... says this guitarist, but I'll believe it when I get some real gigs. This will be fun, but I really yearn to play with an cohesive group, where we just to have to worry about our own rolls in the ensemble, rather than watching everyone else. Something where we can truly have some bloody sweat and tears, rather than tears caused by some sax player playing an Ab over and F chord. I want to be in a group thats really a group. Every time I enjoy the music.. it dissolves. WHY?????? Its not fair. And why do all recordings of stuff I do sound shit, where everyone else sounds great?

2005-06-23T21:28:00.000+02:00

Its really weird that I like you guys so much but have a really intense hate for so many other people. There are LOADS of people out there I just really want to hurt, and I'm gonna be quite miserable till (in the case of JFS) I'm truly free of them, AND their phone calls, AND msn, AND email, though a few of them I'd really fucking like to see hurt, for what they've in the past done to me, and what they'll do in the future by way of memory, or whatever happens when they contact me. I'm being frank here. It seems I'm not quite very perfect or anywhere near it.

There are others that go to the Saturday music school I go to... and how do i get rid of that. We lost a few crap musicians at the start of this term which was nice, and gained a good sax player, but we also got some assholes who make my lunch break, on what used to be my favorite day of the week, vile. I don't fucking want to quit because of these people. I like the music, and I like other people. To be fair, I guess they're not assholes, because they don't mean to cause me distress. Nevertheless, there's a nasty attitude people share, somehow detaching themselves from the reality of the fragility of human emotion. I'm repeating myself as usual here, but nevertheless, to me this is like a diary, except I get to use spell check, and its my way of keeping close to my real friends. Shouldn't bother me the lameness I get with the others, but it does. I can't make people see things my way or ever follow my will. What good am I going to be in the music business if i can't be self-centred?

How will I make friends at uni? So far the only way I seem to be capable of making friends is over the net, and whilst there's nothing wrong with making friends over the net, and I really enjoy being able to get close to people without the limits of having to meet them to stay close that you get with other friends, but thats not really going to work in real life atmosphere. I'd like to get 'the girl' too, but hell they don't even look at me for any reason other than an ego-trip.

The musings of an 18 year old... still a crappy teenager it seems! One of these days I'll have to learn how to grow up, and be respected as intelligent in the flesh as well as online where I have time to correct myself, and phrase things properly.

I've had little effect on my peers too. Its a bit sad :( that I won't be able to stay in contact with more than 3. To be honest 1 is what I'm hoping. 3 is if things go well. What with me previously believing I had things that I don't. Grr, I guess THAT longing won't last when I'm at uni, IF I'm at uni. Other problems will...

2005-06-23T02:05:00.000+02:00

"What instrument are you?"

I did a quiz for what instrument I was and it gave me a picture of a very sexy moog!|

Ha its my new useless addiction these quizzes... I'm going out for a music lesson now, so ciao for now. I may post something of significance later :S.

2005-06-22T21:45:00.000+02:00

Last silly quiz for the day.

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. It might be messy, but its money for free.

Suicide

100%

Disappear

80%

Stabbed

67%

Bomb

67%

Gunshot

53%

Disease

40%

Posion

40%

Suffocated

33%

Eaten

33%

Accident

33%

Drowning

20%

Cut Throat

20%

Natural Causes

How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com

2005-06-22T19:50:00.000+02:00

Hello. Just had my last French exam ever today. I think it worked out okay in the end, but sadly, I defy an examiner to be able to make sense of it. I finished really early first then kept going over it correcting grammatical mistakes and then spotting bigger mistakes, so the writing was so small, messy, smudged, and crossed-out that... well- you finish off the story. I hope it was okay. Bit hopeful, on past experience but oh well. Hay fever is still bugging me.

I've noticed that any happiness I get seems to be very short-lived...

2005-06-22T19:18:00.000+02:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

2005-06-21T22:59:00.000+02:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted much. I'm quite bogged with work, and I have evil hay fever, so I've been quite lazy too.

I'll tell you what I've done since last posting.

On my birthday last week, I went to a pub to meet up with my cousin and Nicky (who I'd just like to say is an amazing friend).

It was the nicest birthday day I can remember. Okay so it was my 18th, and all I did was eat in a pub and then go to my friends house, but, its that feeling of being in the company of someone who cares about YOU. Its a really nice feeling. All in all, I had a fun day, where i was the focus. Also some people remembered my birthday as well.

And I got a birthday card with a sweet message inside telling me not to forget what a good friend I am. Thats one to keep :D.

On the saturday, went to rehearsals at the music school I go to as usual. Did work there in addition to my playing to earn some bread. The work was quite fun but sweaty. I liked and knew the people I was doing it with. When we went to lunch it was a bit lame however. I accidentally started a tradition of going to the local pizza place, and I made the mistake a of inviting people, who now keep inviting others. Now when I go there, I just feel really awkward, and under threat from the group.

I asked a good friend who goes to the same saturday music school to come along and improve things for me a bit and she did, which kept me going. Which was very kind indeed.

There's girl there too who I dislike now, and used to fancy. Met her at a party, thought from MSN staying contact that she was really nice. Still I am not a stranger to disappointment and therefore it only really bothers me when I'm with her (pizza)... i feel trapped...

Anyway, rest of the weekend relatively uneventful, except for the full onset of my extremely extreme hay fever. Yesterday, I got an impressive home-made birthday friend from a close friend in school, who for some reason I have now forgotten I refer to as 'Donut' (she created this nickname- I think.), and it was a furry donut with two eyes... Its a bit hard to describe. I'll try post a picture of it at some point.

It rocks.

Got very tired, because I couldn't sleep due to heat/hay fever! (I won't stop moaning about it!)

Today, had a sax lesson, did ear work instead of sax, because I've been sneezing so much from hay fever that my lips couldn't take it. Which is well annoying.

I wanted to do ear work and really I would have liked to do even more, its just annoying not being able to practice.

Went on the bus in silence on the way home, trying to not think about the ex-close friend who no longer gives me the time of day. When I think properly, I'm just happy with who I have. I'm incredibly lucky with the friends I now have, my real ones! You all rock. I love you!

That aside, I today demonstrated my incredible inability to not create arguments..

Although It feels at times, like in these arguments, that like nobody likes me, I guess you lot do, or you wouldn't be reading this.

It was a stupid argument. I don't care if most of my stupid year just enjoy insulting me to bump their ego, they're not going to get the time of day. I'll just argue back without giving too shits about the stupid ass holes, because I'm better than them. Maybe this idea of making oneself one's priority is a good thing, so you long as you treat people as they treat you, unless its business, in which case you treat people in whichever way is logical.

I decided on Monday that I want a cocktail piano job. Does anybody have some advice and ideas? Comment please.

Right. Thanks y'all.

Take care, lots of love from me xxx

2005-06-16T21:12:00.000+02:00

Working quite alot so in words similar to a previously bogged down friend, all I'm posting for today is a quiz.

1. Tell me something obvious about you.
2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
6. What is your most treasured possession?
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know.
9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk.
20. If you post this in your journal would you like me to answer it?

Hmm...

2005-06-13T12:28:00.000+02:00

Knowledgeable
You scored 40 Geography, 50 Culture, and 50 Politics!

Not bad! You evidently know a fair bit about the UK, including some
little-known trivia and detailed history and politics. Either you live
here, or have a good education about other countries, or have been
keeping abreast of overseas news. Whether you get your knowledge from
your teachers, the news channels or the History Channel, you've got a
lot of facts stored up there. You probably even know more than I do!

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 9% on Geography
You scored higher than 36% on Culture
You scored higher than 36% on Politics

2005-06-12T21:32:00.000+02:00

Greetings to those of you who can be arsed to read this/enjoy reading this.

Today started with a large argument with my mum. It was somewhat one-sided, as I didn’t really argue back, but I didn’t murmur agreement and assent either. It was basically a loud shouting match and I left the house by slamming the door.

Then I got a phone call from my mum, where she continued shouting insult at me. I don’t even understand what the argument was but she had evidently won and had decided to gloat about it. Then I had a few minutes of tears, I continued walking to my station and hopped onto the train. I felt shit for my whole journey, and sent a text to my friend whose picnic I was going to, saying so, and warning her. Later I sent another text saying I had calmed down (I had in terms of anger, but not in terms of miserableness), which was overall a lie. I then sent another text with the smurf theme tune written, to make it seem more believable. Obviously worked. There was also another friend of mine from school, one of her close friends, who I liked, and two fairly religious (I suspect) Jewish girls, both of whom had been at JFS (2 years above me).

We went to Regents Park, we rowed… I got the hang of that after a bit, it was quite fun. The two most Jewish ones got stuck… which I thought was both very funny and very Jewish! (You probably won’t get the joke if you aren’t Jewish, or don’t know many Jews…

I find it quite annoying in all honesty, the never-ending laughter. Still, I really loved seeing the picnic organizer again (I might as well say Nicky by now!), and it was very nice to meet Chris. Hopefully, I will again.

Then me and my JFS friend, shifted to a birthday party in Hyde Park, since after my morning, any delay to getting home was a good thing, (though I had to be home by 6 anyway). This was quite nice, though I felt out of place in both groups, I did get to play Frisbee, and blaze, and drink. Unfortunately I had to come home after my escapist fun.

I had to get home for 6 because my grandparents came for dinner, probably to celebrate their annual “fuck out of the country for my birthday” trip. (Phraseology coined by me). When I got home nobody spoke to me, and now basically nobody is. Its not really a loss, but I’ve suffered a lot of comments, and I feel shit. Then I started talking to someone, and they had to go… then another…

Not fucking fair today. Anything I do which I’m meant to enjoy always gets fucking spoilt by my parents. Why did they fucking have sex? They’re so dumb. They didn’t want me obviously, and they’d have been doing me a fucking favour. Mercy Mercy Me…

2005-06-10T23:42:00.000+02:00

I’m not seeing things from a very nice light at the moment. I have a lot of hate, or what should be hate, but is only halfway there. I want to know, once and for all- who can I trust? Trust has always been an issue for me, and now it is even more so. Whoever I talk to, I feel inhibited. If I don’t feel inhibited, chances are by sods law is that I don’t get the chance to talk to you very often. I suspect that if I did... but you all call me paranoid. I’ve been trying to go around avoiding conflict, and now my self IS the product of conflict-inside, and confusion as to my own perspectives and perceptions. My words trip over one another as I try endlessly to articulate this. I have to come to terms with stuff that I know, and have known for a long time, stuff that I can grow to accept, and then comes back to bother me. People, humanity, and society- I do stereotype. It’s such a disgusting thing to do, and I find myself doing it nonetheless. I stereotype about how fake people can be, their spite. How am I any better? Does it even really matter? Is there any purpose to caring at all?

I could list those who have turned away from me. In reality, yes I don’t like these people. People who cheat and lie, and don’t value me, or even offer me respect as a fellow human being, though on the other hand my prevalent gloomy moods and paranoia probably portray me like some victim of tribulation in The Chyrsalids! I feel so used, and now I feel alone. And the promises of care I have are for the most part hollow.

It seems to have a happy life you have to approach it with ignorance, apathy, and self-importance.

That doesn’t look like a happy prospect to me.

The happiest life is to pretend it’s what it isn’t? I don’t know about that, but it feels like and looks like it right now. Being genuine and honest get me nowhere. It’s bad for business, and it’s unhealthy for keeping friends. It seems you really do need a chameleon shell.

What can I do now, other than sit here dejectedly, head in hands?

After my low views of other people, and not just me, it seems I am dismally wretched.

Now I’m receiving and trying to ignore more depressing words, from an external source. My dad. I don’t want petty arguments. I don’t want to sit here despondently whilst listening to my many faults, and how I’m overall an inept selfish little shit. I also don’t want to listen to my mum telling me about my faults and how I should be in a fucking nuthouse.

I know I’m fucked up. So do you unless you’re blind. Being fucked up means you are wrong. That probably means that it is my obligation to cease to be. You know why I won’t fulfil that obligation? Instinct. Gut fucking instinct. A bizarre hope that things might just turn around and improve.

We live because everyone else does. Otherwise there isn’t really much point. What can one man do? We are just ants… and when we’re gone? Dust. Superficial meanings. None of us can do anything really.

It’s damn well lucky that I’m seeing Nicky this weekend, because otherwise, without the little boost, things could get much worse. For now I will finally end this message and retreat into my black hole.

2005-06-07T19:56:00.000+02:00

I have doubts about the band. I do not want to tell them about my information because none except todd can be trusted to appreciate that i'm very stressed at the moment and am not infact a fountain of information.

im worried about the maturity required, understandbly as they're younger, and aggravatedly, because they're capable of being incredibly good.

2005-06-07T19:51:00.000+02:00

Silly quiz because might as well! (And i did it off someones journal so i felt obliged by number 8!) If i decline to answer animal/answer an animal you resent being called, sorry, you probably dont remind me of an animal and i probably just put anything.

Do it via the comments button.

01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell you what song/movie/game reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be ...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal

request

2005-06-06T20:04:00.000+02:00

I added my wish list in the sidebar. There is also a poll at the bottom. I’d be very grateful if you all GET YOUR ARSE OVER THERE and answer the poll!J I am in a better mood at present, mainly because I’m avoiding stuff in my head…

I dare-say its temporarily. I want my lifeline!

Zombie

2005-06-06T16:05:00.000+02:00

Hey. Posting back from the dead; that is to say I have not written anything for a good few days, because I’ve been quite under the weather, too much so to really write anything of any coherence. I will now try. Did my music AS; which is the re-sit of last year this morning, after suddenly realizing when I was about 5 minutes late that it was not in the afternoon. Still at least I got it over with. It was a listening paper and a history paper. The listening paper was quite fun, and I think I did OKAY, but I lost some marks on stupid questions like dictating harmonies, because I wasn’t listening at the right time (they were within context). Still they played a queen song, and a bizarre carnival like pastiche, which sounded like a cross between just that, and Zorba the Greek. I can’t really remember the tune, but my music teacher alleged that it was involved in a TV show that our parents should know. He couldn’t put his finger on it anyhow.

Then it was the history exam, which consists of essay questions on pieces. There are large questions each split into four parts of the same format, one on ‘pop and jazz’, and the other on ‘keyboard music’ (this does not entail Kraftwerk or Herbie Hancock!!!)

The first section started with a lot of questions about ‘Four’ (a Miles Davis tune that I know very well), which was good, then a comparison which was kind of hard because I’m shit at that essay stuff, between an Armstrong piece and don’t look back in anger. Personally, I think the extent of the comparison was don’t look back in anger was boring and the Armstrong was good, but the question concerned melody I think. Anyway it was okay but I don’t think I mentioned as many points as there are marks and I don’t recall giving examples in the score. Which basically means I did shit, but it can’t be any worse than last year, because last year I failed. At least I couldn’t really lose anything more. Still I lost a chance, and I can’t help doubting my chances of getting to do my jazz degree which I’ve spent god-knows how long yearning to be in that atmosphere and the prospect of getting into a proper practice routine.

The next question was very lame indeed; it involved a Mozart Sonata, a Bach thingy bob, and a Debussy thingy bob of the same type as the Bach. Fuck I hated that. And I had pretty much no idea how to do anything so I fucked my way through that and then sat looking and feeling disgruntled for the last 20 minutes of the exams. But then it was my own damn fault.

That hasn’t got it off my chest by the way, but I’ll spare you the finer details. Knowing that your throwing your life away isn’t enjoyable, but I suppose I wont miss what I’ve never had. What I will miss is the hazy veneer of hope that I have maintained on and off, and most importantly I am severely lacking a get-out clause, and nothing anyone has presented me with has given me any feeling other than ‘if I have to do that I might as well get the knife now’.

I may be getting some gigging in over summer if I’m quite lucky. We could do with a deal, it’s a possibility, but as I’ve already said, it will involve a great deal of luck, as I have said, and an incredible speed. If we can get that under way I can have some hope at the future. If I can final get into playing full time even if not in University, I will then be able to psyche myself to do that long time practice with the eventual target of getting into a conservatoire sans qualifications, as a mature student. But a year with dank stale jobs, no real musical point and no direction will kill me.

I am going to install a poll here soon, and a link to my wishlist. The wish list is because its that time of year. I do not realistically want anyone to buy me anything, I’d much rather have your friendship, but nevertheless it’s a funny list. I’ve laden it with some really pricey stuff as well as stuff I intend to buy.

The poll will be regarding band name. I have been polling it in a few forums already, to eliminate from a greater list.

Lately, life has not felt good. I’m not really sure why entirely. Something is wrong, and I think it’s with me. I seem to be getting even more paranoid in my old age!

I hope to hear from people soon… good luck with your exams if you have them. Take care xxx

Summer Support Gigs?

2005-06-04T15:42:00.000+02:00

Have been doing quite a lot of talking, with a friend, and our bands main guitarist, and planning. I MAY have found us ways of gigging quite a bit more frequently than we have ever done. (We haven’t gigged very frequently). My friend who I have been talking to now has a promoter. He had been previously gigging fairly frequently, with his post-punk band, and now headlines gigs a lot, as he has a promoter.

He’s offered to get us gigs supporting his band with 30 minute sets, though good news is never really true, so I can’t honestly say I’m getting excited. We’ve said we’ll keep Fire, Going Down, and Red house in our sets, and add 2 simple originals. We made mistakes last times. Now we’re going to right in a lot more of a ‘manufactured’ style, placing paramount importance on catchy hooks. My friend did a brilliant song, ‘Live Wire’ at our school battle of the bands… we to must create something that will make sing-alongs. We do not want the hell of previous gigs with missing personnel, and now have access to an equal standard sub-bassist (as in substitute!), and a lesser standard drummer! We are going to write in such a way that we will not need another singer, and instead plan to split vocals. I have visions (or HEARINGS!), with my seemingly phonographic memory, of simple hooks, chorus harmonies, maybe going the same way as my friends band. Still I better not get too hopeful; there are a lot of hurdles ahead of us.

I’m worried about rehearsal discipline amongst others; I’m worried that we haven’t had the greatest of luck at the previous times we’ve been under pressure. This may possibly be the greatest pressure, since we cannot start rehearsing again till July, and I doubt we will get much warning, but the consensus is to simplify, and to get energy, and worry about ‘whacky shit’ later. We want to rock – fast! Must find out about our 2^nd guitarists RSI (repetitive strain injury) now by calling him, and his intentions for whether he wants to keep playing with us when he goes to study music in Brighton. I have a possible substitute, but I don’t we’d be able to get him up to scratch just in summer. It would be too risky, and too much of a commitment. As yet we must focus on the now, and another imperative is band names. Now EVERY gig, we seem to have had a different band name, varying to looking at mixers and being called ‘Auxillary Jack’, elaborate logos of a far too common name ‘Feedback’, and the name ‘Yellow Snow’.

Now we currently have a rather bizarre, cut-down list of names, which I’m happy for you to add to you if you think your suggestions beat ours. The following names have NOT been copyrighted - Whitelist, Fishtastic, Legal Immigrants, Dental Floss, Wax.

Some opinions, and some advice would be greatly appreciated.

ANNOUNCEMENT

2005-06-02T09:57:00.000+02:00

sorry i cant spell that word, read the previous post by going to it on the side menu rather than the homepage. thats it.

emma's party

2005-06-01T23:43:00.000+02:00

Hey y’all I managed to down 6 pints in one hour today I should be very proud, and next time I’m going to aim at 9! They didn’t have any john smiths so I had to go for Guinness. Went to a party tonight for my friends birthday, and I think for one I really enjoyed myself. I stayed there while it was peaking , and I like it because okay there were a lot of people I didn’t know/ like there, there were a lot of people I did know and like there in comparison to the usual and they actually spared some time to talk to me and I really liked that. Thank you to Emma. I’d like to congratulate Eleanor and Emma on their karaoke! Eleanor what was GWANING though with some of it, I really do not know… not up to your usual dear! Still I know your usual, you rock! Emma, nice one! If you weren’t fucking off to Florida you could have been Eleanor’s replacement! You knew the song really well though so…

Thanks for inviting and I’d to thank both of you, and the few others who managed to make me have a good time at a party! I’d also like to thank the alcohol. I’m off to bed now!

Night y’all, drop me a text!

Battle of the Bands

2005-06-01T13:00:00.000+02:00

Is nobody going to give me their thoughts on the importance of being respected and accepted?

Please do.

Okay, now that I’ve said that, I’ll tell you about last night. It was battle of the bands at my school, and there were some pretty good bands, and some really shit ones. I did sound at the sound-check but not on the night. I did setting bands up on the night, which sadly is not all that is necessary to get a guitar working! There is more to stuff than the stage end of the wires!

I think there was far too much importance placed on flow, and far too little on letting the bands actually have fun. Personally, I don’t find it fun, to go on stage, either without sound, or a garbled fizzy sound that’s too quiet for anyone to hear, when you’re trying to play clean! I do of course refer to a specific event, concerning a friend of mine.

They were playing a cover or ‘Take your mama’, scissor sisters. It was a very accurate cover, and it was very unfortunate that we couldn’t hear the guitar part. I pointed it out to our man on sound + my companion for running off connecting and disconnecting things, and he said he had no idea, and fiddled around with EQ to try clean up the noise, but it was irretrievable, and very quiet. I was prepared to accept, okay, it was rushed, she didn’t try playing her guitar first to check, but then our soundman was so hot on the cut button…

What shocked me, which really shouldn’t have done, after all that I learnt at Battle for Brent (if anyone wants that story let me know and ill post it// email it if only one person wants), was that when I spoke to the victim, she said she had complained to my companion (who was also the soundman), that her sound was all distorted… and he brushed it off, saying she had a distortion pedal, despite her protests that it was off and that she was distorted when she played throughout it, into a DI.

It’s a shame that gigs can be made so shit, at a school level, by a few apathetic assholes on the tech team, who will insult everything, and say ‘fucking hell’, at a band with a backing singer, (because its really so hard to balance two vocals isn’t it?) For Christ sake, when I’ve done this stuff in the passed, your backline should have the same clean sound template for EVERY BAND! That way all you have to balance is the vocals, and if the bands are of any quality, they’ll know how to use a distortion pedal without creating a mess.

Why don’t people care about anyone other than themselves? Most of these people on the tech-team who complain about the other bands are themselves arrogant assholes who have nothing musically to be remotely arrogant about. What’s the point? Is it really that hard to say “Yes- I was wrong”, and not to instead bitterly stick to a falsehood? This was a school gig, full of young people, getting their first experience at something remotely like a gig. And that’s what they got given. Its very sad. A bands quality in one man’s eyes, should not earn it special treatment. Try to treat people as you want to be treated. Don’t give them a reason to hate you! They’ve done nothing to you. Even if people have to be self-centred can’t they at least recognize that if they help someone else, one day they might have somebody to call a favour from?

This is a mortality of humanity.

Tonight

2005-06-01T12:39:00.000+02:00

Hey everyone! I’m going to a birthday party tonight. Quite the socialite I’ve been going to three in one month! It usually only happens like that in January! I think I may enjoy this one more, because it’s in a bar. However that is influenced by what alcohol is available at this bar, primarily the beer. I don’t really know how many or who will be there, except for a few good friends I know are going! Its karaoke and it’ll be my first time to see people I know do karaoke, and maybe if I drink enough, do some myself! Should be interesting… I will approach it with an open mind.

2005-05-30T22:20:00.000+02:00

Have set up that lovely password thing, guestbook as already mentioned, and intend to make the site googlable. Procrastination in its true form…

2005-05-30T13:47:00.000+02:00

60's Fancy Dress

Party was okay. I didn't really feel in place. I don’t think that was really anybodies fault. I just don’t really like these big parties, I feel off-footed the moment I enter. It was however better than staying at home though because I got to drink lots of Rhum! I felt a bit sad really. Seeing people who in fact don't give two shits about seeing you but pretend they do, people your not going to see for another year... etcetera... hypocrisy in egos... On the merit, I met a few people I hadn’t seen in a long time, swapped msn’s with two people, and the biggest point for me really was the music. 60’s! We had Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel, LOTS of Motown… the last point really gave me something to enjoy. But I sat down at a sofa a lot of the time, or stood away from people, trying to avoid some who were there who I had high contempt for. It would not have been fair upon anyone else to ignore that and risk conflict. It seems though that people cant understand the sitting down alone thing. Its quite simple- I do not fit into these groups- I don’t know these people. Maybe their completely different as individuals, but why spoil what looks like a cohesive group by adding an extra? Besides, what’s the point? I prefer at a party chatting to individuals than groups- you can get a greater understanding of the person. I don’t like how people act in parties at groups. It alienates me. I had quite a nice chat with a recording engineer there! Basically I’m trying to say I didn’t really have a good time, but there were some nice moments, much like Herbie Hancock the other night, and that its not, the birthday girls fault, or the fault of any of the participants that I DID enjoy talking to enough to swap msn’s or who are my friends out of parties as well as in them!

I am now going to do some work. Chat to y’all later!

News

2005-05-30T13:37:00.000+02:00

Today, I got rid of the little e blogger icon that appears somewhere on the site. I also put up a guest book, on bravenet. Iv tried to do some stuff to make it less adverty, and now theres no advert right at the bottom, but sometimes it gives you tick boxes for interests. If you ignore them, then no harm though, and i did my best to try remove them. I've made the link purple in the Navbar, which is befitting of the colours i set up for the guest book, and distinguishes it from the others. Hopefully it'll allow a more pluralistic rapport than just the blog page and its comments. Thats if anyone wants to bother with it!

2005-05-29T18:55:00.000+02:00

My mood has improved now, not to perfection, but improved. Chatted to a friend on the phone for about quarter of an hour, it eroded the loneliness of my dayJ. Before that, watched video’s of me as a baby. Fucked up fella I was I’m telling you! Mood isn’t perfect but there’s a temporary relative high! I’m such a pessimist hehe

2005-05-29T17:13:00.000+02:00

Hey, sorry I haven’t posted in a few days, I’ve been somewhat caught up. I’ve had quite an involved week really. Monday I went into school and did lots of French past papers, for my re-sits. Tuesday, I went in for a sax lesson, and did more. Wednesday I came in for music, the on Thursday I had 6 hours of exams. On Friday, frankly, I was knackered. I had my French re-sits (all 3 hours of them) in the morning, and then a music compositional techniques paper, (a 3 hour), where you have to write some baroque bullshit. I say baroque bullshit, because with the material they give you as a template, you don’t have a lot of choice for it, other than for it to be bullshit. The French went OKAY, left a lot to be desired, and the music I feel went bad, because I came out quite early, feeling there was nothing more I could do despite feeling that it sounded like the musical embodiment of shit.

On Friday I wasted my time. On Saturday I wasted my time, then went to see Herbie Hancock, which should have been cool because it was Herbie Hancock, and even more so since it was free. This was at the Barbican. Sadly, despite being hailed as a Herbie Hancock concert, it was actually 3 dissimilar fairly extended sets, only one of which incorporated Herbie Hancock.

The first set was extremely disappointing. I would say that it was interesting, but equally, I would pay NOT to see/hear it. It was a band called Croyt, whose music was candidly pretentious, and seemed to have been conceived up their collective asses. They were Nordic, and the music had a very Gothic twinge to it, a hint of electronica, and lacked a tonal centre. I had come to see Herbie Hancock, not to see the experiments of some Looney studying composition at University, which is what this seemed to be. There was than an interval during which a mass of people queued up to get their money back complaining that this had not been Herbie Hancock. It is also worth mentioning that the first band was so, unpleasant to the ear that somebody yelled out “God help us!” It was hardly respectful, but it was understandable.

Anyway, I met a friend there, had a group moan, and went back in. Now there was a Herbie Hancock set with a group called the Bay’s. They played a suite of electronic music, based on layered grooves, and it had some incredibly intense moments. The tension of a simplistic human drum machine always making you feel like it was going further, by NOT going further, gave a really nice effect when he finally did, but a lot of the set was a bit drum machine. It was very cool though, was a drums, bass, two synth players, + Herbie with a grand piano, a Rhodes, and a synth. Herbie’s harmony never ceases to amaze me, and it was cool when he played. Then there was an interval, and I met Jamie Cullum, and decided to be more forward than I usually am, and greeted him and had a chat, and stuff… and it was quite cool. He’s a really nice guy. Had quite a deep chat with him (ask if your that interested!) Not as good as my friend who had a backstage pass to meet Herbie, but quite cool.

Then there was quite a cool last set, but not amazing, which I can’t really be arsed to detail. Overall unfortunately, the gig was still rather disappointing. I then went back to the guy’s house that I’d gone with, (not the friend who I saw there who had met Herbie), and ate a carrot! Then I went home from there, and ate a cold Indian meal. Joy! No, not really. It was very lame, and my mum had decided to hate me before I went to the gig, because I gave her a taste of her own medicine then. See if anything I leave anywhere, in my personal space causes her to trip when SHE’s prodding around my stuff, exclusively to nose, and not to put anything away, because I do that stuff, she then has to show me how much it hurts by attacking me. I did something similar to her, and low and behold, despite the fact that I never make anything of it, she has suddenly been terribly affronted. The need to take the moral high ground saddens me. It is never accepted in this household that I can ever be in the right. She’s still not talking to me today, and frankly it’s no loss, though I hate the fact that I can’t just be accepted. Tonight I’m going to an 18^th birthday party, and will have to try give off the illusion that I am content and happy with life, despite being surrounded by a majority of ego-centric people, who would not talk to me unless I was the last available option. I do not view society very highly, especially in my religion’s circles.

I am at this moment, incredibly annoyed, because mid way through typing I’ve just had a very large argument with my dad, and fuck knows why. I cannot be arsed to typed it now, so I’ll leave you with some Slayer lyrics, which is unusual for me. At this moment, I feel very rotten. I apologize.

“Despair, emptiness
Isolation rapes you everyday
Face down taste the dust, digging deeper in your grave
Haven't found a reason
Haven't found a thing to fucking live for
Godless he doesn't care
How you choose to destroy yourself
In a world that feeds on hate
You're left here just to waste away
In your cardboard prison, asphalt wasteland”

Do not preach political correctness to me.

2005-05-22T20:06:00.000+02:00

Alcoholic Grin :)

2005-05-22T19:57:00.000+02:00

The Hat

Yesterday, as I already mentioned, I went to a fancy dress, for a friend’s birthday. It was superhero/super villain theme, and was there as ‘spider man’ – my own take on him. It was quite fun, and the music there was good. It (to me) deteriorated as it grew old, and I steadily consumer more and more alcohol. I always get jealous at these parties of people, the ones with girlfriends, or even the ones getting meaningless ‘action’ (pulling and then forgetting about it), which seems to be a tradition. Nevertheless while I acknowledge that, and it would probably bother me if I got the chance, the fact that the only time I’ve pulled in the context of a party like that is because another girl said it would be funny. (To the girl). Such is life. I’m not bitter about that. I guess that’s what alcohol does to you. I always wander down ‘what if’ thought processes however…

Today I played a computer game for five hours. I am really sad. I don’t really have much to say today. I feel a bit shit, but I don’t really have any justification at this precise moment.

Got to be off- make a phone call.

Joel

PS ill post a picture from the party which includes my shirt.

Hey Y'all!

2005-05-21T11:05:00.000+02:00

So, I saw SWIII. It was pretty cool, I won’t include any spoilers, because everyone basically knows the storyline anyway, and if you don’t, you’re lucky. It’s a very ‘for the fans’ film, including everybody’s favourite characters, and having everybody’s favourite events happen. Nevertheless, the storyline was strung much better. The script helped it rather than hindered it for a change, and it kept your attention for the full time. Still- if you’re new to star wars, get someone to fill you in on all the characters involved! It’s quite fast-paced.

Then it was the Beatles tribute night. It was a school event, and the general quality of everything except one singer (thankfully our guitarist chose that one for one of our songs), was non-existent. We played 2 songs, Oh Darling, which we played with this singer. That went incredibly well… the atmosphere of the concert was brilliant, and we really managed to milk it. Oh Darling is great fun to play when everyone’s into it, especially as the dynamics of it are very important.

Then we played the word after a while, we got completely lost and it turned into John Scofield in the middle, and we counted the original song back in… I don’t think anybody really noticed though to be honest. That was fucking weird… it worked fine in our sound-check hehe.

Before the finale, two teachers from the school did ‘I want to hold your hand’, which was very funny, probably more so for those who actually go to the school, still with all choreography to the lyrics, and the knowledge that they were teachers, I think its pure genius! You wouldn’t get anything like that at JFS, its too much fun. Then, as the finale, all the performers sang let it be.

Oh and I did a bit of time on the mixing desk for vocals. The sound was 15 hundred times better than any concert I’ve ever done in JFS, but there was only one person doing sound, who was completely in charge, but getting help where necessary (I did it for a few songs he was drumming in, and when he went to get food during the sound-checks). Lighting was also, but I didn’t hang out at the desk. It was just two kids though, making use of a lot less equipment than JFS. I might be sniping at some people now… Well I’m not sniping at our soundman at JFS, he’s good at what he does, I just don’t think anything at my school is going to ever become more than a JFS event- on matter what crazy shit or blinging equipment you try to involve.

What was great about Thursday night was that I got true grateful thanks for it, despite playing mess-ups. I also got a funny hat. What more can a guy ask for?

Today, I’m going to rehearse. I’m in a bit of a strange mood, but it seems rather inexplicable, and I’m not even sure what the mood is. Hopefully I’ll get involved in the music and not find out. In the evening, I’m going to a party. I suspect it might be a little fake, but quite fun if I ride it properly, so I intend to do that. It’s a fancy dress, where you dress as super heroes and super villains, and you get to invent your own. I suspect everyone will be hyper and laughing and boasting about each others costumes, and not having any conversation beyond useless banter. I will attempt to fit in.. like I said- if I can ride it. I’ll try do a good costume as well, so as to give myself that advantage. My plan is to wear my newfound hat, tight leather trousers, and some kind of black top. I’m dressing up as my own spin on spider man. I’m going to put a large rubber spider on top of the hat, and dangle lots of spiders all over me… I’m also going to draw a web or spider on my face!

Wish me luck…

PS- good news – did a mock French AS the other day, and I got (JUST) a B. I have 3 more AS papers to practice, before Thursday (the actual exam). I want to get B for both AS papers in the exams. That might mean I’ll have a chance for a C at AS French, and then maybe if I do quite well at my A2 paper (I only have one paper to do, as we did coursework instead of one of the exams), I may be able to get my overall D target. Who knows! Maybe I’ll beat it, but lets not get ahead of the game!

PSS- Just reminding my friends, thank you for being here… I wouldn’t be at this stage without you.

19th May

2005-05-19T11:41:00.000+02:00

More of a diary entry today… today I’m at school in the morning. I feel a bit stressed about parts of the day to follow, and can’t seem to motivate myself to do any work. I should do work tomorrow though, since its Friday and both parents are at home- there is simply no way that during the day I can get away with doing nothing. Also, I have my French tutor in the evening, and the pressure of having my whole French AS-level next Thursday, in addition to my music 2-part, should keep me busy. After that I want to borrow a computer game off a friend so that my breaks take on a more enjoyable form than learning Dizzy Gillespie’s solo break from night in Tunisia, or procrastinating on msn and in forums.

The plan for today is to meet some friends and go out to see Star Wars with them, screening at half one. We’re meeting at half eleven, and it should be a rather amusing time hopefully. One of us, not me, is a die-hard star wars fan, and seems suddenly become completely hilarious every time any star wars film is mentioned- the effect of excitement! Leading up to the film and afterwards should therefore be very amusing. Suffice to say this individual raps, and when I recently recorded some of his songs, as producer, I noticed they were littered with insidious star wars references. Spot the pun.

I may post comments on that experience and the film itself at some point in the near future.

After that, I have to get to King Alfred’s, my friends school, for what should have been a very simple and easy gig. It’s a Beatles tribute night. Unfortunately, this is not the case. One of our singers (whom I have yet to meet,) is for some reason incapacitated. This reason I could of course not understand over voicemail! However, what I did understand from the message I was left is that we are now playing a FUNK VERSION of a Beatles song, to get around the lack of singer, involving an allegedly good selection of wind and brass players. It sounds fun, but it’s going to be quite stressful without adequate rehearsal, or sound check. I suspect that’s how things will pan, since there’s a lot to sound check, quite a bit to rehearse, and a severe need on my part to eat something.

Nevertheless, that’s what the business is about, isn’t it? Opinions are welcome! It could be what makes it great.

Wish us luck :)

Im going to learn the bridge of Oh Darling now...

The Power of One, to Change Another

2005-05-18T20:39:00.000+02:00

The title is the opening line of some lyrics i wrote a while back. The sentiment expressed there is what for the most part this post is meant to be about.

Isn’t it curious that identical situations can have such a dissimilar range of effects? It depends on who you are, and what situation you’re in. It’s bizarre that I spend so much time contemplating over the seemingly meaningless, and acting amongst my year group as paranoid, yet still successfuly publish accounts of my emotions here.

I, usually king of rationality found myself reduced to tears yesterday, by the pains of the past- without their mention even being explicit. I want this to be more than a moan though- I’m not searching for a sympathy vote. If one comes, fine, but I’m more concerned you understand my 2^nd message. It will be a very long winded description, but that’s only really for the sake of total or at least greater clarity. I’m not holding out for complete perfection.

I think, for the history, I will probably, no matter how I start out or aim, talk about what I have lost, rather than what I have, but that is a matter of my personality. My friends will understand. As most of you reading this will know, I have suffered from a steady, but currently under control alcohol addiction, marked by the occasional relapse, for approximately 2 years now.

I’m not posting this so you can ask me WHY I started drinking. If you fancy asking me further details on that than I give, then DON’T! I started drinking as a means of escape, that’s as far into it as I’m going- it delayed and eased pain. Then I started to need it to delay and ease pain…

Anyway, for the first year of it, only one of my friends gave 2 shits, and frankly, it was a great learning curve. I learnt how important people can be to you, how much of an effect you can have on just one other person. It’s a reason why its so important to treat people as you wish to be treated, often regardless of how they treat you, because if you don’t, and they end up depressed, angry or confused, unless you are very bitter, you’re going to be the one feeling guilty.

It’s a dilemma, because however you look at it, there will always be a reason to be miserable. In most cases, if you openly act against someone else, causing damage, guilt will eventually follow, and if not the repercussions of feeling despised will. If you do not act, other people will pressure you too, and you’ll feel like you’ve taken something lying down or alienated. Still- in most cases, unless there is really no answer, conflict is not the way forward.

Back to my story- this will have some morals attached- it’s going to teach you that however forgiving, or however untrusting you are – you can still get hurt just as much. They’re not so much morals, as depressing lessons for life, nevertheless, I must finally continue. Three years ago, pre-alcoholism, a ‘friend’ of mine talked about me to her friends about my problems... and I was very hurt by people I didn’t feel I knew well knowing about it, and mainly by the betrayal of trust. If I tell something to someone it’s not an invitation to use it as gossip. That’s ‘background’! Last year, at some point, she decided to betray me to authority at school. This being betrayed by someone who at the time I had thought was my friend, despite previous small troubles, really set me off. Before authority actually did anything, I became very close to doing very bad things. Then, in spite of my parents knowing I had a problem, they didn’t know that I drank during school time too, which had I accidentally admitted under stress, when being probed by a teacher. So the then leader of our group, and my disciplinarian, an unprofessional, inconsistent, and quite possibly apathetic individual, (really fitted his job I don't think) convinced me that no harm was going to come to me, and that I would receive help. He said that he would arrange a meeting with my parents, and promised that he would not talk about it over the phone. However, since it is Jewish ethos to words to meet your own nefarious ends, (or is that just JFS ethos of blowing things out of proportion?), he did not arrange to meet up with my parents, and DID talk about it over the phone.

The day before I found that out, the pain of the original talk with him (post tip-off), and the arguments that ensued at home, circled in my head over and over. They still do to this very day… all because of one girl’s stupid actions. I don’t want to forgive her, to be honest, and I want to forget. I want to get myself clear or painful ties, and dark memories. Why am I pressured to talk to her about it? It’s not going to fix any problems for me. What happened, happened, and nothing will ever change that. This is an example of what not thinking, caring only about yourself, and intervening into other people’s lives without either the knowledge or their authority, can do.

I wouldn’t mind so much if she admitted being in the wrong, rather than just saying we need to talk. We don’t need to talk- she needs to get the fuck out of my life. I’m aloud to be a bit rude for the amount she increased my problem, gave me a harder fight, etcetera. What made that even worse is that none of it was neccessary. It wasn’t for a reason, and it wasn’t destiny.

Let me tell you all something. Spending 30 seconds, to tell your friends that you care and you value them gives a lot more than 30 seconds happiness, and boosts you in their eyes. Maybe they’ll value you more too, and tell people about what a good friend you are. Do you not after all want to be perceived as a nice person? Spending 30 seconds, insulting an enemy, will give one person misery, because you judged them. For all you know they could be just as stressed as confused as you are- we are not always in control- and we all know that. Nothing gives us the right to willingly cause other people misery. The way this person percieves you will now spread to their circle of friends. More people, who may have been worht knowing! You can make somebody else feel their life worth living, or you can make somebody else want to die by having your own satisfaction- its more than being self centred. None of us are perfect- I am guilty of all the bad i describe here, multiple times in the past, and multiple times in the future. Nevertheless - we must try.

How will you spend your next 30 seconds?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take care. I value all of my friends. I will do whatever I can for you. Thanks for being with me-

Joel

One Step Beyond!

2005-05-17T02:30:00.000+02:00

Don't read that, read this!

Lacklustre jokes aside, we are reaching a pivotal point in a lot of people’s lives right now, and collective realization is starting to sink in. If we zoom in for this post, to JFS (my school), I will use that as the complete example, to demonstrate our shared attitudes and emotions; which define us as human, in addition to those which may contradict common conceptions of how people SHOULD be, but also define us as individuals. Also if I remember and keep some coherence, in what will basically be a rant, I will talk about my feelings on our final escape from the stringent restrictions of an excessively moral and somewhat delusional education system, which I believe to be in place here, into a few years of freedom, before entering a tedious monotony (unless we’re very lucky)!

Anyway, yes, indeed we no longer have to be at school, we had our last school day on Friday, and many people’s sentiments were fragile. It was of course the end of an era. 240 people who have been seeing each other everyday for 2 years, some for 7 years, are now finally going to be separate. They say school prepares you for life. I think it’s a good preparation. Its all been a lesson, for how to go about things next time we’re in a large group atmosphere.

I’m going to steal from myself, and from debates on a forum set up for our year, because I felt what I said there really summed up my points very well. There is the comment proposed by some of our peers, that as soon we get to university, or work, or wherever it is we’re going next, we won’t give a shit anymore.

Much as I hate to say it, they’re most probably right- we WILL drift, whatever we do to try and delay it, its guaranteed that it will happen. I can do my little bit by coming back to our forum and posting on it, saying hi on msn, or what-not, but I really can’t see the vast majority, or even half bothering to spend their time on the phone or on the computer talking to their old JFS mates when they could be out partying.

Its funny that people get all miserable about it at all, and it has been commented that its especially funny because they get miserable about before it is truly necessary to utter our final goodbyes, (and that’s what most of them will be – not farewells). The atmosphere our year had in Golders Hill Park on Friday was like nothing I’ve ever seen from this group that I’ve spent 7 years with. Seeing such unity, true unity, was surprising. I had for years always found myself put out to see- but on Friday, in that park, I understood what id miss other than specific people who even though they me be going abroad I will most definitely stay in contact with- its seeing the whole lot together. It’s a shame that it’s made so hard to see normally.

For the most part of my time at JFS, I’ve hated it, and I’m happy to leave. I’ve hated the atmosphere, and I’ve hated the vast majority of the people. I’m still not going to take that back, say I was stupid, or say I was deluded, but instead, I will ignore those who haven’t and say that a lot of people have really grown up. They no longer maintain the characteristics that I detested them for carrying. Cliques remain, as is natural but, in the end, they get on. People want to clear their bitterness, and leave peacefully, and that sentiment promotes people to suddenly be genuine, and in some cases jettison the egotistical persona, which they have sustained for longer at the expensive of those who do not choose to conform. I feel sad for those who have not finally done that, maybe for fear of subverting something they have harboured for so long is just impossible, or maybe because they were so easily manipulated that they didn’t even see it. I also really don’t like them- I’m being honest here, so don’t beat me up for it.

I’ve taken a Peter Green stance on saying in contact! “Don’t ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to, Oh well”. Some of my year has changed how I perceive people, and some in my school have and I’m grateful. By this point, most people who I’m staying in contact with know.

The final goodbye keeps getting deferred, but I don’t think any prom could possibly recreate the atmosphere we had last Friday. The graduation will be exciting, and possible more sentimental, but it will be very awkward. In 5 months, we will no longer know those people. Its time to stop saying “It’s not really the end, we’ve still got the graduation ceremony.”

It is time to move on- you’ve been putting it off for long enough- now you have to.

Linger with your friends, but not in the past- it will just hurt whether you liked it or hated it.

take care

my day and my mood.again

2005-05-07T21:32:00.000+02:00

Well was quite a nice day. I went to my rehearsals. Afterwards I went out for a pizza afterwards, which was good, with a few music friends. It was quite fun- they’re nice people. I got a hug. Hugs make anything worthwhile lol! I got asked to do probing for a friend to another friend about fancying, and all that jazz. i don’t usually do it, but I aimed to not intervene directly at all, and not to put any spin on anything, and I have like both sides of the party a lot as individuals. Still I’m sure my idealism will get us all fucked, as is my general luck, but I have tried to act in good faith. The proof of the pudding will be the effect of that.

After that, went to do a bit of free labour!!! After that, went with a friend and his parents to a party, at which i knew nobody. They were mainly family, and uni students, and it was quite posh. They were playing croquet in the garden, and in the inside everyone was munching and sipping tea. Instead of shitty music, they had a piano, and four good pianists present, including the birthday boy. (I was there as well, and although i played, I’m going to not group myself like that, because as usual i was surpassed :'( ). Still what struck me about this party was how everyone was really nice, though everything was over the top. Instead of shaking their weight around floppily, kidding themselves that they’re not as young in the head or in the body as they really are- that is to say they didn’t ego trip their bodies in the same way as has caused me to detract from parties, and they weren’t attention seeking. Posh people say some very funny things. When asked what I specialized in playing I said jazz, and when asked to play some soul, I didn’t know any by heart. The only black man in the party asked me why that was that I only really knew jazz, and a girl interjected that it was because only jazz is good for improvisation on the piano. At that point my friend (a great guitarist) and I exchanged winks. I gleaned from that, that some degree of arrogance was present, but to be honest id rather have that, than the vapid simplicity of the majority of those I have access too. Still I don’t have real access to the class of people there, and there social status should really be irrelevant, but when comparing what I am accustomed to, and these girls who gathered around the piano requesting standards to sing, that seems to go out of the window. Still I suspected there may have been an attitude of condemnation for what the mortals listen too, but if I was on their position, I imagine that would be me. It’s a bit of a moral dilemma how to respond to it.

Still it’s a shame that always in some incarnation image is so important. I refer of course to that of food, dressing up, and being generally proper. Still, you can’t win everything.

predictions for friday

2005-05-05T23:45:00.000+02:00

Well predictions in addition to stuff that’s definite- a fusion of ideas. I have two lessons in the morning. I start with music and hand in my late bass line. I wonder if I’ll get more fucking insults from my teachers this time. Today I was told that my work was so crap that they didn’t mind helping me cheat. I expect that’s a double edged sword.

After that it is French. I bet our teacher STILL hasn’t timetabled our French orals which incidentally are on either Monday or Tuesday, and will probably attempt to do it in our lesson, in which case the truly neurotic, self centered and judgmental one (for jfsians, a clue- she’s the only girl Mr. Tonelle’s French class,) will take over, and cause endless confusion and aggravation. After half an hour of wasted time during which we could be practicing some times will eventually be produced. We still don’t have times for the AS re-sits, and from what I hear, it looks like iv been forgotten, but then it seems our French department are incapable of accurately marking things in every day lessons, and suddenly become capable for mocks, but hey, they’ve fucked our lives up now, why should they care. They probably didn’t care much in the first place beyond obligation, so that would explain it.

After that we go to our music tutor (our class i.e. the reliable bit – Ezra, Madeleine and I [nb there are two others] has forked together in order to fund having a tutor.) That’s usually a surreal experience for some reason or another, and either ends up with me looking really good, or me looking really thick. To be honest, doesn’t matter, that’s just what happens! That’s life! Just better make sure I’m looking good. Let someone else fuck up their exams for a change lol, why’s it always me hehehe.

Then I’m homeward bound and I have a French tutor for 90 minutes from 5 30, so that’s why I’m not around to type my blog entry. After that I’m probably going to be sent to get pizzas because my dads fucked off to Austria. Then ill probably have some form of argument with my mum because I’m home alone with her then. It’s inevitable, but it’s too early to say what it will be about! Then on Saturday I have the fun of my granddad driving me somewhere, which believe me is very scary, then rehearsals, maybe seeing two people I haven’t seen in ages, and some fat planning. Yay! All in all, good. Then its get out of maccabi time. Wish me luck!

I’ll probably also be unhappy for forgetting to check my exam times!

Do what Clement Atlee would do… ciao for now

thursdayness

2005-05-05T21:03:00.000+02:00

todays general mood/ thoughts..

i have to do some music work, due tomorrow, so this will be quite short. I also have my French oral on Monday or Tuesday... we haven’t even been given the times yet. I’m really unprepared and i only have Sunday to do it. I’m going to try and get out of the next maccabi performance on the 31st by being a lying bitch just like them. I would much prefer the school battle of the bands... - same night.

I’m also in a rather confused state, seeing as I don’t understand what signals my actions to give to other people, or what signals I receive from them. I hate uncertainty. It causes neurosis!!!!

Subscription

2005-05-04T16:20:00.000+02:00

If anyones particuarly bothered about subscription to this blog (ie wants to), let me know, and ill put a link to a feed and instructions on how to use it. (When im less busy!)

Maccabi - Part 3 (and more thoughts)

2005-05-04T13:30:00.000+02:00

Upon arrival I was first asked not to set up my guitar, because (despite several floodlights being on), the house lights were down. This was understandable- when you run an event its better to be paranoid about safety than ignore it. Especially with the idea that if you allow one person something, they’ll all want it. However, a moment later, I was asked to rewire a few plugs and connect up the PA system. Fun. After that, I watched as scenes were rehearsed over and over, in spite of plans for a full run-through, and the incessant nagging of a few of the cast saying, 'just do a run through!' The silly desire to run through stuff individually, without checking the vital stuff meant I didn’t get to sound check, consequently, for all my hard work, all I got to do on the night was a three or four line piece of acting- one scene. It’s incredible that nobody present, other than the security guard possessed the minute perceptive skills necessary to understand "aah. So a wasted evening then :(“. That’s he how put it, and I feel it sums it up very well. What annoyed me the most was the being misled (I have a lesson quite soon; I found I could update from school, so I’ll cut to the chase). Though I did see it coming, that doesn’t stop being disgruntled and frustrated that it was a wasted evening. I got no real thanks.

I must acknowledge that a close friend has said to me not to view it is a failure, but rather a lesson, and I see her point and her rational. I also trust her words whole-heartedly. They do not however detract the fact that I keep receiving the same lesson over and over. That may be my fault, and in truth what I feel for it is self-pity. I don’t think it’s a WRONG emotion to have, but still it is something to strive to avoid (NOT to beat yourself up over… that just loops it… as I should know!) However, right now I’m going for an emotional outlet, rather than a rational essay about context.

Why are all the gigs I do shit? Why is that what you get for doing charity gigs? It’s not fair that I’m not wanted! Being wanted for having myself used till I dry out indefinitely in actual fact does not count. I had to be trapped there from 4 - 9, with exceedingly young sluttish girls, and some chav's. It was very lonely. It wasn't fair. I made it clear I didn’t want to do the gig at all in the first place because I said that would happen. Why are people so blind? I will present, again, a point that will recur endlessly, why is it so hard to be honest? Is it so much to ask people to keep to their words? I would have thought it to be integral and vital for an organisation representative of a minority to the ‘outside’ world! How do they want to be perceived? It’s obvious why there are so many self-haters in each religion, because blind people give the religions a bad name, which is really unnecessary, unbeneficial, and just plain stupid!! That’s what causes the rifts between them in my opinion, people failing to see any beyond their selves. It’s an issue of pettiness, and egocentricity, and its an issue that people need to know about in order to fix it- accept its there! Accept how you act is wrong! At least do those who see it the courtesy of listening and respecting others as equals! Judge the person – not how they have been classified, treat everyone well, and people will treat you well. I wonder if people will always be like this… still, at least I know who I love, and I know who I care about, and that’s a very big gift. Take it easy. Peace and love to you… Joel

PS. If you don’t like my nature of repeating myself, that’s how things work in my thought. If you don’t like me, don’t read the blog.

Thought for the day!

2005-05-04T13:00:00.000+02:00

My apologies if you find this overly deep, overly long, or at all offensive. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks :)

Like most people, I’m going through a hard time at the moment. I say that because I feel if anybody isn’t, something is inherently wrong. They are making no effort to ameliorate economic situation. Even for those who already have the means truly be hedonists, money and material goods, whilst improving the chances of finding any true happiness, can never grant it. Perhaps for the short term, they can- with every new purchase, a new spark of joy is kindled. But it will never be more than a spark. To have and real happiness with any meaning to it, I feel I need to be able to make other people happy. I need to feel wanted in this world, and I need to feel wanted for successfully being instrumental in helping other people. Not putting people down. Not causing misery. Not dragging favours out of people like blood from a stone. Is it so much to ask for people to lead simple moral lives? Why does anyone assume because you’re an atheist you don’t take interest in the religious texts? Whether they’re holy to you or not, they are also words- plain and simple words. It would be foolery to say there are no meanings. The 10 commandments have holy status, even amongst atheists. Most say that not murdering is logical, but the reason it’s logical, is because the law is in tandem with the most important religious morals- at least those common between those of Judaeo-Christian descent. Their origin is from the bible. The bibles origin is an irrelevant debate. We have a stable society, and a stable moral system, one with a fairly high rate of consensus. Why change a fundamental with prolongs the human race? Although this opens a whole new avenue of debate – where do the fundamentals stop? Where do we stop in enforcing them? My answer may be criticized for being idealistic. How can we avoid dictatorial horrors when our alleged democracy here in Britain offers no choice? Plural systems do not seem to work either. Any system with hierarchy is heavily bound to remaining in the same autonomous state for eternity, with little or no change, for fear of turning into big brother, and being condemned for it by every other nation. A system of majority representation oppresses the minority. Just because it’s small, it doesn’t mean its not there. How about if every citizen played an equal part in each decision? Worked in Kibbutzim not so long ago, and worked in Athens longer ago. You can’t force or oblige people to be nice to each other. To me, it means nothing if they do it just for the religion. I know must religions give much lower value to those who do good deeds because they have to. Still it is sad that there is a need for an incentive. I still feel gratified without. I know there isn’t always that need, and I have some religious friends, who have restored my respect in religion- you probably know who you are. A blogger I met through this website, is an incredibly nice guy, and has strong beliefs. He follows his religion, (I assume) as its meant too, and close to it. I’m sure many do… maybe the idea that many don’t is painted by the fact that only the sensational appears in any media or cultural resources we have access too. Maybe that’s due to any one ideology being prevalent. Everyone needs to make an effort, myself obviously included – understanding our fellow humans and the world around us is essential, in order to accept it, and to accept one another. There needs to be a true effort, with a goal in sight, rather than ignoring so many gaping problems- that goal needs to be reached not by prodding and poking, but by objective research, and casting away our preconceptions. Surely it is not so hard to first under the science and understands the humanity? One person may have the talent with one, another with the other, but they should and must fall into place together… thought for the day, Joel

maccabi - the actual event

2005-05-04T08:38:00.000+02:00

Well, ill chronicle my thoughts of yesterday, again early in the morning, but not as early. It’s just because I have the time, so i might as well. If I don’t finish typing it all ill just let this post wait till evening. After school, the participants from JFS (my school for anyone who doesn’t know) met by the shul (synagogue) to be picked up. Again for those who don’t know, I go to a Jewish school. The reason I chose to originally was because of the academics, not the faith. When I was 11 or whatever, religion as a concept fazed me really. I didn’t really get the point. I don’t get it now either. I always repeat this, because sadly a lot of people in my school just don’t get this point. Now its become force of habit. L. In spite of all, back to the job in hand – we were given this left to the synagogue where the actual project was being put on. It was basically 5 people in the back of a tax- me in a corner looking away out of the window, and 3 whining girls + one hyper boy. Wasn’t a fun experience anyhow heh. Still I was grateful at the lift and thanked the parents who gave it. At this very moment, im being shouted at by my mother, so I will continue this I get back from school tonight.

maccabi

2005-05-03T07:18:00.000+02:00

hey y'all.

I hope those of you who know me will not get annoyed at a brief explanation of this post. I’m born, Jewish, though, if you’re interested in where my spiritual interests lie, they don't. Religion and I don't really click. I’m happy to discuss why with you, and if you'd like to, drop me a line about it, but it’s a debate I’d rather not do it in full view… can cause quite a scene!! :).

Now a few months ago, a friend called Danny Brill entered me into a 'talent competition' for what is now called the 'maccabi streetwise project'. It actually turned out not to be a selective procedure (everyone got through to the next 'stage'), but simply a nicety in dragging everyone into their little drama production.

The production itself is a simplistic rip-off of 8 mile, with a few clumsily masked Jewish references. Anyhow, back to my role in it. I have been eternally nagged, bombarded with phone calls etc, and pressured into fulfilling obligations, and manipulated, since i find it hard to tell people at the beginning - no. fuck off. i could not have said that realistically on the grounds 'your Jewish... you'll drain me like blood from a stone...' which my instincts told me... its quite sad that my instincts tell me that, but when blinded and naive, how people (they!) act, is rather disheartening as a representation of the human populace, or the representation of a religion that when written down, is really quite honorable. (Except for the chapters SOMEONE - not me, spotted pertaining to necrophilia:| ...)

Tonight I will find myself wasting a good deal of time, going out of my way, despite having important exams in 1 week. I find myself trudging a guitar and an fx box into school for the day, and end up having to borrow an amp because my valve amp is to big. I don't like borrowing gear, it makes me feel very guilty and prattish... anyhow ... yeah... a really unmemorable, and rather painful to sit through evening ahead. Who knows... maybe somebody will mess up and i can be the voyeur! but who am i kidding? I'M also in the intro sequence that is actually in 6/4 whilst our moves are in 5.... that may give you any idea of things... and nope... none of the people in the production are particularly experienced, except our techies and (I hope) the people leading it... well... maybe it'll be alright on the night, but in spite of all that does or does not happen, I wont like it and I will be happy to see it gone! I have another performance of it on May 29^th, which is sure to fill me with joy when I have exams the week after!

After this, I’m going to try to aim back at revision, revision, revision. Don't let me slack ;). I would like to apologize for the ranting, aggressive nature of this post... and the spellings... lets just say I posted it quite early in the morning, as you can see; I couldn’t sleep :P

Thanks for reading it all, take care

Back

2005-05-01T22:57:00.000+02:00

Just saying mes home, and im not going to get into full swing yet. Happenings of this evening : - tried some strange turkish place... was quite good... thats bout it

Intro

2005-05-01T17:19:00.000+02:00

Hi all. Iv decided id rather do a blog than an email, since i feel less pressured that way. A friend who i will not name, has been sending all his friends emails quite frequently, from where he is for his gap year. Sadly, its unappreciated, and hes recieved complaints for it. Personally, if somebodies having fun on beaches everyday, and they're still taking time out to email me, im fucking greatful! I know im safe from the criticisms he suffered here, since it is truly your choice how often you visit. It wont go into full swing yet. Ill give the occasional piece of news by chain mail. Be sure to keep mailing me and commenting.

Im going to head home now.... bub i