Greetings to those of you who can be arsed to read this/enjoy reading this. Today started with a large argument with my mum. It was somewhat one-sided, as I didn’t really argue back, but I didn’t murmur agreement and assent either. It was basically a loud shouting match and I left the house by slamming the door. Then I got a phone call from my mum, where she continued shouting insult at me. I don’t even understand what the argument was but she had evidently won and had decided to gloat about it. Then I had a few minutes of tears, I continued walking to my station and hopped onto the train. I felt shit for my whole journey, and sent a text to my friend whose picnic I was going to, saying so, and warning her. Later I sent another text saying I had calmed down (I had in terms of anger, but not in terms of miserableness), which was overall a lie. I then sent another text with the smurf theme tune written, to make it seem more believable. Obviously worked. There was also another friend of mine from school, one of her close friends, who I liked, and two fairly religious (I suspect) Jewish girls, both of whom had been at JFS (2 years above me). We went to Regents Park, we rowed… I got the hang of that after a bit, it was quite fun. The two most Jewish ones got stuck… which I thought was both very funny and very Jewish! (You probably won’t get the joke if you aren’t Jewish, or don’t know many Jews… I find it quite annoying in all honesty, the never-ending laughter. Still, I really loved seeing the picnic organizer again (I might as well say Nicky by now!), and it was very nice to meet Chris. Hopefully, I will again. Then me and my JFS friend, shifted to a birthday party in Hyde Park, since after my morning, any delay to getting home was a good thing, (though I had to be home by 6 anyway). This was quite nice, though I felt out of place in both groups, I did get to play Frisbee, and blaze, and drink. Unfortunately I had to come home after my escapist fun. I had to get home for 6 because my grandparents came for dinner, probably to celebrate their annual “fuck out of the country for my birthday” trip. (Phraseology coined by me). When I got home nobody spoke to me, and now basically nobody is. Its not really a loss, but I’ve suffered a lot of comments, and I feel shit. Then I started talking to someone, and they had to go… then another… Not fucking fair today. Anything I do which I’m meant to enjoy always gets fucking spoilt by my parents. Why did they fucking have sex? They’re so dumb. They didn’t want me obviously, and they’d have been doing me a fucking favour. Mercy Mercy Me…
I’m not seeing things from a very nice light at the moment. I have a lot of hate, or what should be hate, but is only halfway there. I want to know, once and for all- who can I trust? Trust has always been an issue for me, and now it is even more so. Whoever I talk to, I feel inhibited. If I don’t feel inhibited, chances are by sods law is that I don’t get the chance to talk to you very often. I suspect that if I did... but you all call me paranoid. I’ve been trying to go around avoiding conflict, and now my self IS the product of conflict-inside, and confusion as to my own perspectives and perceptions. My words trip over one another as I try endlessly to articulate this. I have to come to terms with stuff that I know, and have known for a long time, stuff that I can grow to accept, and then comes back to bother me. People, humanity, and society- I do stereotype. It’s such a disgusting thing to do, and I find myself doing it nonetheless. I stereotype about how fake people can be, their spite. How am I any better? Does it even really matter? Is there any purpose to caring at all? I could list those who have turned away from me. In reality, yes I don’t like these people. People who cheat and lie, and don’t value me, or even offer me respect as a fellow human being, though on the other hand my prevalent gloomy moods and paranoia probably portray me like some victim of tribulation in The Chyrsalids! I feel so used, and now I feel alone. And the promises of care I have are for the most part hollow. It seems to have a happy life you have to approach it with ignorance, apathy, and self-importance. That doesn’t look like a happy prospect to me. The happiest life is to pretend it’s what it isn’t? I don’t know about that, but it feels like and looks like it right now. Being genuine and honest get me nowhere. It’s bad for business, and it’s unhealthy for keeping friends. It seems you really do need a chameleon shell. What can I do now, other than sit here dejectedly, head in hands? After my low views of other people, and not just me, it seems I am dismally wretched. Now I’m receiving and trying to ignore more depressing words, from an external source. My dad. I don’t want petty arguments. I don’t want to sit here despondently whilst listening to my many faults, and how I’m overall an inept selfish little shit. I also don’t want to listen to my mum telling me about my faults and how I should be in a fucking nuthouse. I know I’m fucked up. So do you unless you’re blind. Being fucked up means you are wrong. That probably means that it is my obligation to cease to be. You know why I won’t fulfil that obligation? Instinct. Gut fucking instinct. A bizarre hope that things might just turn around and improve. We live because everyone else does. Otherwise there isn’t really much point. What can one man do? We are just ants… and when we’re gone? Dust. Superficial meanings. None of us can do anything really. It’s damn well lucky that I’m seeing Nicky this weekend, because otherwise, without the little boost, things could get much worse. For now I will finally end this message and retreat into my black hole.
I have doubts about the band. I do not want to tell them about my information because none except todd can be trusted to appreciate that i'm very stressed at the moment and am not infact a fountain of information. im worried about the maturity required, understandbly as they're younger, and aggravatedly, because they're capable of being incredibly good.
Silly quiz because might as well! (And i did it off someones journal so i felt obliged by number 8!) If i decline to answer animal/answer an animal you resent being called, sorry, you probably dont remind me of an animal and i probably just put anything. Do it via the comments button. 01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you. 02. I will then tell you what song/movie/game reminds me of you. 03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be ... 04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you. 05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you. 06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of. 07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you. 08. Put this in your journal
request
I added my wish list in the sidebar. There is also a poll at the bottom. I’d be very grateful if you all GET YOUR ARSE OVER THERE and answer the poll!J I am in a better mood at present, mainly because I’m avoiding stuff in my head…
I dare-say its temporarily. I want my lifeline!
Zombie
Hey. Posting back from the dead; that is to say I have not written anything for a good few days, because I’ve been quite under the weather, too much so to really write anything of any coherence. I will now try. Did my music AS; which is the re-sit of last year this morning, after suddenly realizing when I was about 5 minutes late that it was not in the afternoon. Still at least I got it over with. It was a listening paper and a history paper. The listening paper was quite fun, and I think I did OKAY, but I lost some marks on stupid questions like dictating harmonies, because I wasn’t listening at the right time (they were within context). Still they played a queen song, and a bizarre carnival like pastiche, which sounded like a cross between just that, and Zorba the Greek. I can’t really remember the tune, but my music teacher alleged that it was involved in a TV show that our parents should know. He couldn’t put his finger on it anyhow. Then it was the history exam, which consists of essay questions on pieces. There are large questions each split into four parts of the same format, one on ‘pop and jazz’, and the other on ‘keyboard music’ (this does not entail Kraftwerk or Herbie Hancock!!!) The first section started with a lot of questions about ‘Four’ (a Miles Davis tune that I know very well), which was good, then a comparison which was kind of hard because I’m shit at that essay stuff, between an Armstrong piece and don’t look back in anger. Personally, I think the extent of the comparison was don’t look back in anger was boring and the Armstrong was good, but the question concerned melody I think. Anyway it was okay but I don’t think I mentioned as many points as there are marks and I don’t recall giving examples in the score. Which basically means I did shit, but it can’t be any worse than last year, because last year I failed. At least I couldn’t really lose anything more. Still I lost a chance, and I can’t help doubting my chances of getting to do my jazz degree which I’ve spent god-knows how long yearning to be in that atmosphere and the prospect of getting into a proper practice routine. The next question was very lame indeed; it involved a Mozart Sonata, a Bach thingy bob, and a Debussy thingy bob of the same type as the Bach. Fuck I hated that. And I had pretty much no idea how to do anything so I fucked my way through that and then sat looking and feeling disgruntled for the last 20 minutes of the exams. But then it was my own damn fault. That hasn’t got it off my chest by the way, but I’ll spare you the finer details. Knowing that your throwing your life away isn’t enjoyable, but I suppose I wont miss what I’ve never had. What I will miss is the hazy veneer of hope that I have maintained on and off, and most importantly I am severely lacking a get-out clause, and nothing anyone has presented me with has given me any feeling other than ‘if I have to do that I might as well get the knife now’. I may be getting some gigging in over summer if I’m quite lucky. We could do with a deal, it’s a possibility, but as I’ve already said, it will involve a great deal of luck, as I have said, and an incredible speed. If we can get that under way I can have some hope at the future. If I can final get into playing full time even if not in University, I will then be able to psyche myself to do that long time practice with the eventual target of getting into a conservatoire sans qualifications, as a mature student. But a year with dank stale jobs, no real musical point and no direction will kill me. I am going to install a poll here soon, and a link to my wishlist. The wish list is because its that time of year. I do not realistically want anyone to buy me anything, I’d much rather have your friendship, but nevertheless it’s a funny list. I’ve laden it with some really pricey stuff as well as stuff I intend to buy. The poll will be regarding band name. I have been polling it in a few forums already, to eliminate from a greater list. Lately, life has not felt good. I’m not really sure why entirely. Something is wrong, and I think it’s with me. I seem to be getting even more paranoid in my old age! I hope to hear from people soon… good luck with your exams if you have them. Take care xxx
Summer Support Gigs?
Have been doing quite a lot of talking, with a friend, and our bands main guitarist, and planning. I MAY have found us ways of gigging quite a bit more frequently than we have ever done. (We haven’t gigged very frequently). My friend who I have been talking to now has a promoter. He had been previously gigging fairly frequently, with his post-punk band, and now headlines gigs a lot, as he has a promoter. He’s offered to get us gigs supporting his band with 30 minute sets, though good news is never really true, so I can’t honestly say I’m getting excited. We’ve said we’ll keep Fire, Going Down, and Red house in our sets, and add 2 simple originals. We made mistakes last times. Now we’re going to right in a lot more of a ‘manufactured’ style, placing paramount importance on catchy hooks. My friend did a brilliant song, ‘Live Wire’ at our school battle of the bands… we to must create something that will make sing-alongs. We do not want the hell of previous gigs with missing personnel, and now have access to an equal standard sub-bassist (as in substitute!), and a lesser standard drummer! We are going to write in such a way that we will not need another singer, and instead plan to split vocals. I have visions (or HEARINGS!), with my seemingly phonographic memory, of simple hooks, chorus harmonies, maybe going the same way as my friends band. Still I better not get too hopeful; there are a lot of hurdles ahead of us. I’m worried about rehearsal discipline amongst others; I’m worried that we haven’t had the greatest of luck at the previous times we’ve been under pressure. This may possibly be the greatest pressure, since we cannot start rehearsing again till July, and I doubt we will get much warning, but the consensus is to simplify, and to get energy, and worry about ‘whacky shit’ later. We want to rock – fast! Must find out about our 2nd guitarists RSI (repetitive strain injury) now by calling him, and his intentions for whether he wants to keep playing with us when he goes to study music in Brighton. I have a possible substitute, but I don’t we’d be able to get him up to scratch just in summer. It would be too risky, and too much of a commitment. As yet we must focus on the now, and another imperative is band names. Now EVERY gig, we seem to have had a different band name, varying to looking at mixers and being called ‘Auxillary Jack’, elaborate logos of a far too common name ‘Feedback’, and the name ‘Yellow Snow’. Now we currently have a rather bizarre, cut-down list of names, which I’m happy for you to add to you if you think your suggestions beat ours. The following names have NOT been copyrighted - Whitelist, Fishtastic, Legal Immigrants, Dental Floss, Wax. Some opinions, and some advice would be greatly appreciated.
ANNOUNCEMENT
sorry i cant spell that word, read the previous post by going to it on the side menu rather than the homepage. thats it.
emma's party
Hey y’all I managed to down 6 pints in one hour today I should be very proud, and next time I’m going to aim at 9! They didn’t have any john smiths so I had to go for Guinness. Went to a party tonight for my friends birthday, and I think for one I really enjoyed myself. I stayed there while it was peaking , and I like it because okay there were a lot of people I didn’t know/ like there, there were a lot of people I did know and like there in comparison to the usual and they actually spared some time to talk to me and I really liked that. Thank you to Emma. I’d like to congratulate Eleanor and Emma on their karaoke! Eleanor what was GWANING though with some of it, I really do not know… not up to your usual dear! Still I know your usual, you rock! Emma, nice one! If you weren’t fucking off to Florida you could have been Eleanor’s replacement! You knew the song really well though so… Thanks for inviting and I’d to thank both of you, and the few others who managed to make me have a good time at a party! I’d also like to thank the alcohol. I’m off to bed now! Night y’all, drop me a text!
Battle of the Bands
Is nobody going to give me their thoughts on the importance of being respected and accepted? Please do. Okay, now that I’ve said that, I’ll tell you about last night. It was battle of the bands at my school, and there were some pretty good bands, and some really shit ones. I did sound at the sound-check but not on the night. I did setting bands up on the night, which sadly is not all that is necessary to get a guitar working! There is more to stuff than the stage end of the wires! I think there was far too much importance placed on flow, and far too little on letting the bands actually have fun. Personally, I don’t find it fun, to go on stage, either without sound, or a garbled fizzy sound that’s too quiet for anyone to hear, when you’re trying to play clean! I do of course refer to a specific event, concerning a friend of mine. They were playing a cover or ‘Take your mama’, scissor sisters. It was a very accurate cover, and it was very unfortunate that we couldn’t hear the guitar part. I pointed it out to our man on sound + my companion for running off connecting and disconnecting things, and he said he had no idea, and fiddled around with EQ to try clean up the noise, but it was irretrievable, and very quiet. I was prepared to accept, okay, it was rushed, she didn’t try playing her guitar first to check, but then our soundman was so hot on the cut button… What shocked me, which really shouldn’t have done, after all that I learnt at Battle for Brent (if anyone wants that story let me know and ill post it// email it if only one person wants), was that when I spoke to the victim, she said she had complained to my companion (who was also the soundman), that her sound was all distorted… and he brushed it off, saying she had a distortion pedal, despite her protests that it was off and that she was distorted when she played throughout it, into a DI. It’s a shame that gigs can be made so shit, at a school level, by a few apathetic assholes on the tech team, who will insult everything, and say ‘fucking hell’, at a band with a backing singer, (because its really so hard to balance two vocals isn’t it?) For Christ sake, when I’ve done this stuff in the passed, your backline should have the same clean sound template for EVERY BAND! That way all you have to balance is the vocals, and if the bands are of any quality, they’ll know how to use a distortion pedal without creating a mess. Why don’t people care about anyone other than themselves? Most of these people on the tech-team who complain about the other bands are themselves arrogant assholes who have nothing musically to be remotely arrogant about. What’s the point? Is it really that hard to say “Yes- I was wrong”, and not to instead bitterly stick to a falsehood? This was a school gig, full of young people, getting their first experience at something remotely like a gig. And that’s what they got given. Its very sad. A bands quality in one man’s eyes, should not earn it special treatment. Try to treat people as you want to be treated. Don’t give them a reason to hate you! They’ve done nothing to you. Even if people have to be self-centred can’t they at least recognize that if they help someone else, one day they might have somebody to call a favour from? This is a mortality of humanity.
Tonight
Hey everyone! I’m going to a birthday party tonight. Quite the socialite I’ve been going to three in one month! It usually only happens like that in January! I think I may enjoy this one more, because it’s in a bar. However that is influenced by what alcohol is available at this bar, primarily the beer. I don’t really know how many or who will be there, except for a few good friends I know are going! Its karaoke and it’ll be my first time to see people I know do karaoke, and maybe if I drink enough, do some myself! Should be interesting… I will approach it with an open mind.
Have set up that lovely password thing, guestbook as already mentioned, and intend to make the site googlable. Procrastination in its true form…
 60's Fancy Dress Party was okay. I didn't really feel in place. I don’t think that was really anybodies fault. I just don’t really like these big parties, I feel off-footed the moment I enter. It was however better than staying at home though because I got to drink lots of Rhum! I felt a bit sad really. Seeing people who in fact don't give two shits about seeing you but pretend they do, people your not going to see for another year... etcetera... hypocrisy in egos... On the merit, I met a few people I hadn’t seen in a long time, swapped msn’s with two people, and the biggest point for me really was the music. 60’s! We had Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel, LOTS of Motown… the last point really gave me something to enjoy. But I sat down at a sofa a lot of the time, or stood away from people, trying to avoid some who were there who I had high contempt for. It would not have been fair upon anyone else to ignore that and risk conflict. It seems though that people cant understand the sitting down alone thing. Its quite simple- I do not fit into these groups- I don’t know these people. Maybe their completely different as individuals, but why spoil what looks like a cohesive group by adding an extra? Besides, what’s the point? I prefer at a party chatting to individuals than groups- you can get a greater understanding of the person. I don’t like how people act in parties at groups. It alienates me. I had quite a nice chat with a recording engineer there! Basically I’m trying to say I didn’t really have a good time, but there were some nice moments, much like Herbie Hancock the other night, and that its not, the birthday girls fault, or the fault of any of the participants that I DID enjoy talking to enough to swap msn’s or who are my friends out of parties as well as in them! I am now going to do some work. Chat to y’all later!
News
Today, I got rid of the little e blogger icon that appears somewhere on the site. I also put up a guest book, on bravenet. Iv tried to do some stuff to make it less adverty, and now theres no advert right at the bottom, but sometimes it gives you tick boxes for interests. If you ignore them, then no harm though, and i did my best to try remove them. I've made the link purple in the Navbar, which is befitting of the colours i set up for the guest book, and distinguishes it from the others. Hopefully it'll allow a more pluralistic rapport than just the blog page and its comments. Thats if anyone wants to bother with it!
My mood has improved now, not to perfection, but improved. Chatted to a friend on the phone for about quarter of an hour, it eroded the loneliness of my dayJ. Before that, watched video’s of me as a baby. Fucked up fella I was I’m telling you! Mood isn’t perfect but there’s a temporary relative high! I’m such a pessimist hehe
Hey, sorry I haven’t posted in a few days, I’ve been somewhat caught up. I’ve had quite an involved week really. Monday I went into school and did lots of French past papers, for my re-sits. Tuesday, I went in for a sax lesson, and did more. Wednesday I came in for music, the on Thursday I had 6 hours of exams. On Friday, frankly, I was knackered. I had my French re-sits (all 3 hours of them) in the morning, and then a music compositional techniques paper, (a 3 hour), where you have to write some baroque bullshit. I say baroque bullshit, because with the material they give you as a template, you don’t have a lot of choice for it, other than for it to be bullshit. The French went OKAY, left a lot to be desired, and the music I feel went bad, because I came out quite early, feeling there was nothing more I could do despite feeling that it sounded like the musical embodiment of shit. On Friday I wasted my time. On Saturday I wasted my time, then went to see Herbie Hancock, which should have been cool because it was Herbie Hancock, and even more so since it was free. This was at the Barbican. Sadly, despite being hailed as a Herbie Hancock concert, it was actually 3 dissimilar fairly extended sets, only one of which incorporated Herbie Hancock. The first set was extremely disappointing. I would say that it was interesting, but equally, I would pay NOT to see/hear it. It was a band called Croyt, whose music was candidly pretentious, and seemed to have been conceived up their collective asses. They were Nordic, and the music had a very Gothic twinge to it, a hint of electronica, and lacked a tonal centre. I had come to see Herbie Hancock, not to see the experiments of some Looney studying composition at University, which is what this seemed to be. There was than an interval during which a mass of people queued up to get their money back complaining that this had not been Herbie Hancock. It is also worth mentioning that the first band was so, unpleasant to the ear that somebody yelled out “God help us!” It was hardly respectful, but it was understandable. Anyway, I met a friend there, had a group moan, and went back in. Now there was a Herbie Hancock set with a group called the Bay’s. They played a suite of electronic music, based on layered grooves, and it had some incredibly intense moments. The tension of a simplistic human drum machine always making you feel like it was going further, by NOT going further, gave a really nice effect when he finally did, but a lot of the set was a bit drum machine. It was very cool though, was a drums, bass, two synth players, + Herbie with a grand piano, a Rhodes, and a synth. Herbie’s harmony never ceases to amaze me, and it was cool when he played. Then there was an interval, and I met Jamie Cullum, and decided to be more forward than I usually am, and greeted him and had a chat, and stuff… and it was quite cool. He’s a really nice guy. Had quite a deep chat with him (ask if your that interested!) Not as good as my friend who had a backstage pass to meet Herbie, but quite cool. Then there was quite a cool last set, but not amazing, which I can’t really be arsed to detail. Overall unfortunately, the gig was still rather disappointing. I then went back to the guy’s house that I’d gone with, (not the friend who I saw there who had met Herbie), and ate a carrot! Then I went home from there, and ate a cold Indian meal. Joy! No, not really. It was very lame, and my mum had decided to hate me before I went to the gig, because I gave her a taste of her own medicine then. See if anything I leave anywhere, in my personal space causes her to trip when SHE’s prodding around my stuff, exclusively to nose, and not to put anything away, because I do that stuff, she then has to show me how much it hurts by attacking me. I did something similar to her, and low and behold, despite the fact that I never make anything of it, she has suddenly been terribly affronted. The need to take the moral high ground saddens me. It is never accepted in this household that I can ever be in the right. She’s still not talking to me today, and frankly it’s no loss, though I hate the fact that I can’t just be accepted. Tonight I’m going to an 18th birthday party, and will have to try give off the illusion that I am content and happy with life, despite being surrounded by a majority of ego-centric people, who would not talk to me unless I was the last available option. I do not view society very highly, especially in my religion’s circles. I am at this moment, incredibly annoyed, because mid way through typing I’ve just had a very large argument with my dad, and fuck knows why. I cannot be arsed to typed it now, so I’ll leave you with some Slayer lyrics, which is unusual for me. At this moment, I feel very rotten. I apologize. “Despair, emptiness
Isolation rapes you everyday
Face down taste the dust, digging deeper in your grave
Haven't found a reason
Haven't found a thing to fucking live for
Godless he doesn't care
How you choose to destroy yourself
In a world that feeds on hate
You're left here just to waste away
In your cardboard prison, asphalt wasteland” Do not preach political correctness to me.
 Alcoholic Grin :)
 The Hat Yesterday, as I already mentioned, I went to a fancy dress, for a friend’s birthday. It was superhero/super villain theme, and was there as ‘spider man’ – my own take on him. It was quite fun, and the music there was good. It (to me) deteriorated as it grew old, and I steadily consumer more and more alcohol. I always get jealous at these parties of people, the ones with girlfriends, or even the ones getting meaningless ‘action’ (pulling and then forgetting about it), which seems to be a tradition. Nevertheless while I acknowledge that, and it would probably bother me if I got the chance, the fact that the only time I’ve pulled in the context of a party like that is because another girl said it would be funny. (To the girl). Such is life. I’m not bitter about that. I guess that’s what alcohol does to you. I always wander down ‘what if’ thought processes however… Today I played a computer game for five hours. I am really sad. I don’t really have much to say today. I feel a bit shit, but I don’t really have any justification at this precise moment. Got to be off- make a phone call. Joel PS ill post a picture from the party which includes my shirt.
Hey Y'all!
So, I saw SWIII. It was pretty cool, I won’t include any spoilers, because everyone basically knows the storyline anyway, and if you don’t, you’re lucky. It’s a very ‘for the fans’ film, including everybody’s favourite characters, and having everybody’s favourite events happen. Nevertheless, the storyline was strung much better. The script helped it rather than hindered it for a change, and it kept your attention for the full time. Still- if you’re new to star wars, get someone to fill you in on all the characters involved! It’s quite fast-paced. Then it was the Beatles tribute night. It was a school event, and the general quality of everything except one singer (thankfully our guitarist chose that one for one of our songs), was non-existent. We played 2 songs, Oh Darling, which we played with this singer. That went incredibly well… the atmosphere of the concert was brilliant, and we really managed to milk it. Oh Darling is great fun to play when everyone’s into it, especially as the dynamics of it are very important. Then we played the word after a while, we got completely lost and it turned into John Scofield in the middle, and we counted the original song back in… I don’t think anybody really noticed though to be honest. That was fucking weird… it worked fine in our sound-check hehe. Before the finale, two teachers from the school did ‘I want to hold your hand’, which was very funny, probably more so for those who actually go to the school, still with all choreography to the lyrics, and the knowledge that they were teachers, I think its pure genius! You wouldn’t get anything like that at JFS, its too much fun. Then, as the finale, all the performers sang let it be. Oh and I did a bit of time on the mixing desk for vocals. The sound was 15 hundred times better than any concert I’ve ever done in JFS, but there was only one person doing sound, who was completely in charge, but getting help where necessary (I did it for a few songs he was drumming in, and when he went to get food during the sound-checks). Lighting was also, but I didn’t hang out at the desk. It was just two kids though, making use of a lot less equipment than JFS. I might be sniping at some people now… Well I’m not sniping at our soundman at JFS, he’s good at what he does, I just don’t think anything at my school is going to ever become more than a JFS event- on matter what crazy shit or blinging equipment you try to involve. What was great about Thursday night was that I got true grateful thanks for it, despite playing mess-ups. I also got a funny hat. What more can a guy ask for? Today, I’m going to rehearse. I’m in a bit of a strange mood, but it seems rather inexplicable, and I’m not even sure what the mood is. Hopefully I’ll get involved in the music and not find out. In the evening, I’m going to a party. I suspect it might be a little fake, but quite fun if I ride it properly, so I intend to do that. It’s a fancy dress, where you dress as super heroes and super villains, and you get to invent your own. I suspect everyone will be hyper and laughing and boasting about each others costumes, and not having any conversation beyond useless banter. I will attempt to fit in.. like I said- if I can ride it. I’ll try do a good costume as well, so as to give myself that advantage. My plan is to wear my newfound hat, tight leather trousers, and some kind of black top. I’m dressing up as my own spin on spider man. I’m going to put a large rubber spider on top of the hat, and dangle lots of spiders all over me… I’m also going to draw a web or spider on my face! Wish me luck… PS- good news – did a mock French AS the other day, and I got (JUST) a B. I have 3 more AS papers to practice, before Thursday (the actual exam). I want to get B for both AS papers in the exams. That might mean I’ll have a chance for a C at AS French, and then maybe if I do quite well at my A2 paper (I only have one paper to do, as we did coursework instead of one of the exams), I may be able to get my overall D target. Who knows! Maybe I’ll beat it, but lets not get ahead of the game! PSS- Just reminding my friends, thank you for being here… I wouldn’t be at this stage without you.
19th May
More of a diary entry today… today I’m at school in the morning. I feel a bit stressed about parts of the day to follow, and can’t seem to motivate myself to do any work. I should do work tomorrow though, since its Friday and both parents are at home- there is simply no way that during the day I can get away with doing nothing. Also, I have my French tutor in the evening, and the pressure of having my whole French AS-level next Thursday, in addition to my music 2-part, should keep me busy. After that I want to borrow a computer game off a friend so that my breaks take on a more enjoyable form than learning Dizzy Gillespie’s solo break from night in Tunisia, or procrastinating on msn and in forums. The plan for today is to meet some friends and go out to see Star Wars with them, screening at half one. We’re meeting at half eleven, and it should be a rather amusing time hopefully. One of us, not me, is a die-hard star wars fan, and seems suddenly become completely hilarious every time any star wars film is mentioned- the effect of excitement! Leading up to the film and afterwards should therefore be very amusing. Suffice to say this individual raps, and when I recently recorded some of his songs, as producer, I noticed they were littered with insidious star wars references. Spot the pun. I may post comments on that experience and the film itself at some point in the near future. After that, I have to get to King Alfred’s, my friends school, for what should have been a very simple and easy gig. It’s a Beatles tribute night. Unfortunately, this is not the case. One of our singers (whom I have yet to meet,) is for some reason incapacitated. This reason I could of course not understand over voicemail! However, what I did understand from the message I was left is that we are now playing a FUNK VERSION of a Beatles song, to get around the lack of singer, involving an allegedly good selection of wind and brass players. It sounds fun, but it’s going to be quite stressful without adequate rehearsal, or sound check. I suspect that’s how things will pan, since there’s a lot to sound check, quite a bit to rehearse, and a severe need on my part to eat something. Nevertheless, that’s what the business is about, isn’t it? Opinions are welcome! It could be what makes it great. Wish us luck :) Im going to learn the bridge of Oh Darling now...
The Power of One, to Change Another
The title is the opening line of some lyrics i wrote a while back. The sentiment expressed there is what for the most part this post is meant to be about.
Isn’t it curious that identical situations can have such a dissimilar range of effects? It depends on who you are, and what situation you’re in. It’s bizarre that I spend so much time contemplating over the seemingly meaningless, and acting amongst my year group as paranoid, yet still successfuly publish accounts of my emotions here. I, usually king of rationality found myself reduced to tears yesterday, by the pains of the past- without their mention even being explicit. I want this to be more than a moan though- I’m not searching for a sympathy vote. If one comes, fine, but I’m more concerned you understand my 2nd message. It will be a very long winded description, but that’s only really for the sake of total or at least greater clarity. I’m not holding out for complete perfection. I think, for the history, I will probably, no matter how I start out or aim, talk about what I have lost, rather than what I have, but that is a matter of my personality. My friends will understand. As most of you reading this will know, I have suffered from a steady, but currently under control alcohol addiction, marked by the occasional relapse, for approximately 2 years now. I’m not posting this so you can ask me WHY I started drinking. If you fancy asking me further details on that than I give, then DON’T! I started drinking as a means of escape, that’s as far into it as I’m going- it delayed and eased pain. Then I started to need it to delay and ease pain… Anyway, for the first year of it, only one of my friends gave 2 shits, and frankly, it was a great learning curve. I learnt how important people can be to you, how much of an effect you can have on just one other person. It’s a reason why its so important to treat people as you wish to be treated, often regardless of how they treat you, because if you don’t, and they end up depressed, angry or confused, unless you are very bitter, you’re going to be the one feeling guilty. It’s a dilemma, because however you look at it, there will always be a reason to be miserable. In most cases, if you openly act against someone else, causing damage, guilt will eventually follow, and if not the repercussions of feeling despised will. If you do not act, other people will pressure you too, and you’ll feel like you’ve taken something lying down or alienated. Still- in most cases, unless there is really no answer, conflict is not the way forward. Back to my story- this will have some morals attached- it’s going to teach you that however forgiving, or however untrusting you are – you can still get hurt just as much. They’re not so much morals, as depressing lessons for life, nevertheless, I must finally continue. Three years ago, pre-alcoholism, a ‘friend’ of mine talked about me to her friends about my problems... and I was very hurt by people I didn’t feel I knew well knowing about it, and mainly by the betrayal of trust. If I tell something to someone it’s not an invitation to use it as gossip. That’s ‘background’! Last year, at some point, she decided to betray me to authority at school. This being betrayed by someone who at the time I had thought was my friend, despite previous small troubles, really set me off. Before authority actually did anything, I became very close to doing very bad things. Then, in spite of my parents knowing I had a problem, they didn’t know that I drank during school time too, which had I accidentally admitted under stress, when being probed by a teacher. So the then leader of our group, and my disciplinarian, an unprofessional, inconsistent, and quite possibly apathetic individual, (really fitted his job I don't think) convinced me that no harm was going to come to me, and that I would receive help. He said that he would arrange a meeting with my parents, and promised that he would not talk about it over the phone. However, since it is Jewish ethos to words to meet your own nefarious ends, (or is that just JFS ethos of blowing things out of proportion?), he did not arrange to meet up with my parents, and DID talk about it over the phone.
The day before I found that out, the pain of the original talk with him (post tip-off), and the arguments that ensued at home, circled in my head over and over. They still do to this very day… all because of one girl’s stupid actions. I don’t want to forgive her, to be honest, and I want to forget. I want to get myself clear or painful ties, and dark memories. Why am I pressured to talk to her about it? It’s not going to fix any problems for me. What happened, happened, and nothing will ever change that. This is an example of what not thinking, caring only about yourself, and intervening into other people’s lives without either the knowledge or their authority, can do. I wouldn’t mind so much if she admitted being in the wrong, rather than just saying we need to talk. We don’t need to talk- she needs to get the fuck out of my life. I’m aloud to be a bit rude for the amount she increased my problem, gave me a harder fight, etcetera. What made that even worse is that none of it was neccessary. It wasn’t for a reason, and it wasn’t destiny. Let me tell you all something. Spending 30 seconds, to tell your friends that you care and you value them gives a lot more than 30 seconds happiness, and boosts you in their eyes. Maybe they’ll value you more too, and tell people about what a good friend you are. Do you not after all want to be perceived as a nice person? Spending 30 seconds, insulting an enemy, will give one person misery, because you judged them. For all you know they could be just as stressed as confused as you are- we are not always in control- and we all know that. Nothing gives us the right to willingly cause other people misery. The way this person percieves you will now spread to their circle of friends. More people, who may have been worht knowing! You can make somebody else feel their life worth living, or you can make somebody else want to die by having your own satisfaction- its more than being self centred. None of us are perfect- I am guilty of all the bad i describe here, multiple times in the past, and multiple times in the future. Nevertheless - we must try. How will you spend your next 30 seconds?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Take care. I value all of my friends. I will do whatever I can for you. Thanks for being with me-
Joel
One Step Beyond!
Don't read that, read this! Lacklustre jokes aside, we are reaching a pivotal point in a lot of people’s lives right now, and collective realization is starting to sink in. If we zoom in for this post, to JFS (my school), I will use that as the complete example, to demonstrate our shared attitudes and emotions; which define us as human, in addition to those which may contradict common conceptions of how people SHOULD be, but also define us as individuals. Also if I remember and keep some coherence, in what will basically be a rant, I will talk about my feelings on our final escape from the stringent restrictions of an excessively moral and somewhat delusional education system, which I believe to be in place here, into a few years of freedom, before entering a tedious monotony (unless we’re very lucky)! Anyway, yes, indeed we no longer have to be at school, we had our last school day on Friday, and many people’s sentiments were fragile. It was of course the end of an era. 240 people who have been seeing each other everyday for 2 years, some for 7 years, are now finally going to be separate. They say school prepares you for life. I think it’s a good preparation. Its all been a lesson, for how to go about things next time we’re in a large group atmosphere. I’m going to steal from myself, and from debates on a forum set up for our year, because I felt what I said there really summed up my points very well. There is the comment proposed by some of our peers, that as soon we get to university, or work, or wherever it is we’re going next, we won’t give a shit anymore. Much as I hate to say it, they’re most probably right- we WILL drift, whatever we do to try and delay it, its guaranteed that it will happen. I can do my little bit by coming back to our forum and posting on it, saying hi on msn, or what-not, but I really can’t see the vast majority, or even half bothering to spend their time on the phone or on the computer talking to their old JFS mates when they could be out partying. Its funny that people get all miserable about it at all, and it has been commented that its especially funny because they get miserable about before it is truly necessary to utter our final goodbyes, (and that’s what most of them will be – not farewells). The atmosphere our year had in Golders Hill Park on Friday was like nothing I’ve ever seen from this group that I’ve spent 7 years with. Seeing such unity, true unity, was surprising. I had for years always found myself put out to see- but on Friday, in that park, I understood what id miss other than specific people who even though they me be going abroad I will most definitely stay in contact with- its seeing the whole lot together. It’s a shame that it’s made so hard to see normally. For the most part of my time at JFS, I’ve hated it, and I’m happy to leave. I’ve hated the atmosphere, and I’ve hated the vast majority of the people. I’m still not going to take that back, say I was stupid, or say I was deluded, but instead, I will ignore those who haven’t and say that a lot of people have really grown up. They no longer maintain the characteristics that I detested them for carrying. Cliques remain, as is natural but, in the end, they get on. People want to clear their bitterness, and leave peacefully, and that sentiment promotes people to suddenly be genuine, and in some cases jettison the egotistical persona, which they have sustained for longer at the expensive of those who do not choose to conform. I feel sad for those who have not finally done that, maybe for fear of subverting something they have harboured for so long is just impossible, or maybe because they were so easily manipulated that they didn’t even see it. I also really don’t like them- I’m being honest here, so don’t beat me up for it. I’ve taken a Peter Green stance on saying in contact! “Don’t ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to, Oh well”. Some of my year has changed how I perceive people, and some in my school have and I’m grateful. By this point, most people who I’m staying in contact with know. The final goodbye keeps getting deferred, but I don’t think any prom could possibly recreate the atmosphere we had last Friday. The graduation will be exciting, and possible more sentimental, but it will be very awkward. In 5 months, we will no longer know those people. Its time to stop saying “It’s not really the end, we’ve still got the graduation ceremony.” It is time to move on- you’ve been putting it off for long enough- now you have to. Linger with your friends, but not in the past- it will just hurt whether you liked it or hated it. take care
my day and my mood.again
Well was quite a nice day. I went to my rehearsals. Afterwards I went out for a pizza afterwards, which was good, with a few music friends. It was quite fun- they’re nice people. I got a hug. Hugs make anything worthwhile lol! I got asked to do probing for a friend to another friend about fancying, and all that jazz. i don’t usually do it, but I aimed to not intervene directly at all, and not to put any spin on anything, and I have like both sides of the party a lot as individuals. Still I’m sure my idealism will get us all fucked, as is my general luck, but I have tried to act in good faith. The proof of the pudding will be the effect of that. After that, went to do a bit of free labour!!! After that, went with a friend and his parents to a party, at which i knew nobody. They were mainly family, and uni students, and it was quite posh. They were playing croquet in the garden, and in the inside everyone was munching and sipping tea. Instead of shitty music, they had a piano, and four good pianists present, including the birthday boy. (I was there as well, and although i played, I’m going to not group myself like that, because as usual i was surpassed :'( ). Still what struck me about this party was how everyone was really nice, though everything was over the top. Instead of shaking their weight around floppily, kidding themselves that they’re not as young in the head or in the body as they really are- that is to say they didn’t ego trip their bodies in the same way as has caused me to detract from parties, and they weren’t attention seeking. Posh people say some very funny things. When asked what I specialized in playing I said jazz, and when asked to play some soul, I didn’t know any by heart. The only black man in the party asked me why that was that I only really knew jazz, and a girl interjected that it was because only jazz is good for improvisation on the piano. At that point my friend (a great guitarist) and I exchanged winks. I gleaned from that, that some degree of arrogance was present, but to be honest id rather have that, than the vapid simplicity of the majority of those I have access too. Still I don’t have real access to the class of people there, and there social status should really be irrelevant, but when comparing what I am accustomed to, and these girls who gathered around the piano requesting standards to sing, that seems to go out of the window. Still I suspected there may have been an attitude of condemnation for what the mortals listen too, but if I was on their position, I imagine that would be me. It’s a bit of a moral dilemma how to respond to it. Still it’s a shame that always in some incarnation image is so important. I refer of course to that of food, dressing up, and being generally proper. Still, you can’t win everything.
predictions for friday
Well predictions in addition to stuff that’s definite- a fusion of ideas. I have two lessons in the morning. I start with music and hand in my late bass line. I wonder if I’ll get more fucking insults from my teachers this time. Today I was told that my work was so crap that they didn’t mind helping me cheat. I expect that’s a double edged sword. After that it is French. I bet our teacher STILL hasn’t timetabled our French orals which incidentally are on either Monday or Tuesday, and will probably attempt to do it in our lesson, in which case the truly neurotic, self centered and judgmental one (for jfsians, a clue- she’s the only girl Mr. Tonelle’s French class,) will take over, and cause endless confusion and aggravation. After half an hour of wasted time during which we could be practicing some times will eventually be produced. We still don’t have times for the AS re-sits, and from what I hear, it looks like iv been forgotten, but then it seems our French department are incapable of accurately marking things in every day lessons, and suddenly become capable for mocks, but hey, they’ve fucked our lives up now, why should they care. They probably didn’t care much in the first place beyond obligation, so that would explain it. After that we go to our music tutor (our class i.e. the reliable bit – Ezra, Madeleine and I [nb there are two others] has forked together in order to fund having a tutor.) That’s usually a surreal experience for some reason or another, and either ends up with me looking really good, or me looking really thick. To be honest, doesn’t matter, that’s just what happens! That’s life! Just better make sure I’m looking good. Let someone else fuck up their exams for a change lol, why’s it always me hehehe. Then I’m homeward bound and I have a French tutor for 90 minutes from 5 30, so that’s why I’m not around to type my blog entry. After that I’m probably going to be sent to get pizzas because my dads fucked off to Austria. Then ill probably have some form of argument with my mum because I’m home alone with her then. It’s inevitable, but it’s too early to say what it will be about! Then on Saturday I have the fun of my granddad driving me somewhere, which believe me is very scary, then rehearsals, maybe seeing two people I haven’t seen in ages, and some fat planning. Yay! All in all, good. Then its get out of maccabi time. Wish me luck! I’ll probably also be unhappy for forgetting to check my exam times!
Do what Clement Atlee would do… ciao for now
thursdayness
todays general mood/ thoughts..
i have to do some music work, due tomorrow, so this will be quite short. I also have my French oral on Monday or Tuesday... we haven’t even been given the times yet. I’m really unprepared and i only have Sunday to do it. I’m going to try and get out of the next maccabi performance on the 31st by being a lying bitch just like them. I would much prefer the school battle of the bands... - same night.
I’m also in a rather confused state, seeing as I don’t understand what signals my actions to give to other people, or what signals I receive from them. I hate uncertainty. It causes neurosis!!!!
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Maccabi - Part 3 (and more thoughts)
Upon arrival I was first asked not to set up my guitar, because (despite several floodlights being on), the house lights were down. This was understandable- when you run an event its better to be paranoid about safety than ignore it. Especially with the idea that if you allow one person something, they’ll all want it. However, a moment later, I was asked to rewire a few plugs and connect up the PA system. Fun. After that, I watched as scenes were rehearsed over and over, in spite of plans for a full run-through, and the incessant nagging of a few of the cast saying, 'just do a run through!' The silly desire to run through stuff individually, without checking the vital stuff meant I didn’t get to sound check, consequently, for all my hard work, all I got to do on the night was a three or four line piece of acting- one scene. It’s incredible that nobody present, other than the security guard possessed the minute perceptive skills necessary to understand "aah. So a wasted evening then :(“. That’s he how put it, and I feel it sums it up very well. What annoyed me the most was the being misled (I have a lesson quite soon; I found I could update from school, so I’ll cut to the chase). Though I did see it coming, that doesn’t stop being disgruntled and frustrated that it was a wasted evening. I got no real thanks. I must acknowledge that a close friend has said to me not to view it is a failure, but rather a lesson, and I see her point and her rational. I also trust her words whole-heartedly. They do not however detract the fact that I keep receiving the same lesson over and over. That may be my fault, and in truth what I feel for it is self-pity. I don’t think it’s a WRONG emotion to have, but still it is something to strive to avoid (NOT to beat yourself up over… that just loops it… as I should know!) However, right now I’m going for an emotional outlet, rather than a rational essay about context. Why are all the gigs I do shit? Why is that what you get for doing charity gigs? It’s not fair that I’m not wanted! Being wanted for having myself used till I dry out indefinitely in actual fact does not count. I had to be trapped there from 4 - 9, with exceedingly young sluttish girls, and some chav's. It was very lonely. It wasn't fair. I made it clear I didn’t want to do the gig at all in the first place because I said that would happen. Why are people so blind? I will present, again, a point that will recur endlessly, why is it so hard to be honest? Is it so much to ask people to keep to their words? I would have thought it to be integral and vital for an organisation representative of a minority to the ‘outside’ world! How do they want to be perceived? It’s obvious why there are so many self-haters in each religion, because blind people give the religions a bad name, which is really unnecessary, unbeneficial, and just plain stupid!! That’s what causes the rifts between them in my opinion, people failing to see any beyond their selves. It’s an issue of pettiness, and egocentricity, and its an issue that people need to know about in order to fix it- accept its there! Accept how you act is wrong! At least do those who see it the courtesy of listening and respecting others as equals! Judge the person – not how they have been classified, treat everyone well, and people will treat you well. I wonder if people will always be like this… still, at least I know who I love, and I know who I care about, and that’s a very big gift. Take it easy. Peace and love to you… Joel PS. If you don’t like my nature of repeating myself, that’s how things work in my thought. If you don’t like me, don’t read the blog.
Thought for the day!
My apologies if you find this overly deep, overly long, or at all offensive. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks :) Like most people, I’m going through a hard time at the moment. I say that because I feel if anybody isn’t, something is inherently wrong. They are making no effort to ameliorate economic situation. Even for those who already have the means truly be hedonists, money and material goods, whilst improving the chances of finding any true happiness, can never grant it. Perhaps for the short term, they can- with every new purchase, a new spark of joy is kindled. But it will never be more than a spark. To have and real happiness with any meaning to it, I feel I need to be able to make other people happy. I need to feel wanted in this world, and I need to feel wanted for successfully being instrumental in helping other people. Not putting people down. Not causing misery. Not dragging favours out of people like blood from a stone. Is it so much to ask for people to lead simple moral lives? Why does anyone assume because you’re an atheist you don’t take interest in the religious texts? Whether they’re holy to you or not, they are also words- plain and simple words. It would be foolery to say there are no meanings. The 10 commandments have holy status, even amongst atheists. Most say that not murdering is logical, but the reason it’s logical, is because the law is in tandem with the most important religious morals- at least those common between those of Judaeo-Christian descent. Their origin is from the bible. The bibles origin is an irrelevant debate. We have a stable society, and a stable moral system, one with a fairly high rate of consensus. Why change a fundamental with prolongs the human race? Although this opens a whole new avenue of debate – where do the fundamentals stop? Where do we stop in enforcing them? My answer may be criticized for being idealistic. How can we avoid dictatorial horrors when our alleged democracy here in Britain offers no choice? Plural systems do not seem to work either. Any system with hierarchy is heavily bound to remaining in the same autonomous state for eternity, with little or no change, for fear of turning into big brother, and being condemned for it by every other nation. A system of majority representation oppresses the minority. Just because it’s small, it doesn’t mean its not there. How about if every citizen played an equal part in each decision? Worked in Kibbutzim not so long ago, and worked in Athens longer ago. You can’t force or oblige people to be nice to each other. To me, it means nothing if they do it just for the religion. I know must religions give much lower value to those who do good deeds because they have to. Still it is sad that there is a need for an incentive. I still feel gratified without. I know there isn’t always that need, and I have some religious friends, who have restored my respect in religion- you probably know who you are. A blogger I met through this website, is an incredibly nice guy, and has strong beliefs. He follows his religion, (I assume) as its meant too, and close to it. I’m sure many do… maybe the idea that many don’t is painted by the fact that only the sensational appears in any media or cultural resources we have access too. Maybe that’s due to any one ideology being prevalent. Everyone needs to make an effort, myself obviously included – understanding our fellow humans and the world around us is essential, in order to accept it, and to accept one another. There needs to be a true effort, with a goal in sight, rather than ignoring so many gaping problems- that goal needs to be reached not by prodding and poking, but by objective research, and casting away our preconceptions. Surely it is not so hard to first under the science and understands the humanity? One person may have the talent with one, another with the other, but they should and must fall into place together… thought for the day, Joel
maccabi - the actual event
Well, ill chronicle my thoughts of yesterday, again early in the morning, but not as early. It’s just because I have the time, so i might as well. If I don’t finish typing it all ill just let this post wait till evening. After school, the participants from JFS (my school for anyone who doesn’t know) met by the shul (synagogue) to be picked up. Again for those who don’t know, I go to a Jewish school. The reason I chose to originally was because of the academics, not the faith. When I was 11 or whatever, religion as a concept fazed me really. I didn’t really get the point. I don’t get it now either. I always repeat this, because sadly a lot of people in my school just don’t get this point. Now its become force of habit. L. In spite of all, back to the job in hand – we were given this left to the synagogue where the actual project was being put on. It was basically 5 people in the back of a tax- me in a corner looking away out of the window, and 3 whining girls + one hyper boy. Wasn’t a fun experience anyhow heh. Still I was grateful at the lift and thanked the parents who gave it. At this very moment, im being shouted at by my mother, so I will continue this I get back from school tonight.
maccabi
hey y'all.
I hope those of you who know me will not get annoyed at a brief explanation of this post. I’m born, Jewish, though, if you’re interested in where my spiritual interests lie, they don't. Religion and I don't really click. I’m happy to discuss why with you, and if you'd like to, drop me a line about it, but it’s a debate I’d rather not do it in full view… can cause quite a scene!! :).
Now a few months ago, a friend called Danny Brill entered me into a 'talent competition' for what is now called the 'maccabi streetwise project'. It actually turned out not to be a selective procedure (everyone got through to the next 'stage'), but simply a nicety in dragging everyone into their little drama production.
The production itself is a simplistic rip-off of 8 mile, with a few clumsily masked Jewish references. Anyhow, back to my role in it. I have been eternally nagged, bombarded with phone calls etc, and pressured into fulfilling obligations, and manipulated, since i find it hard to tell people at the beginning - no. fuck off. i could not have said that realistically on the grounds 'your Jewish... you'll drain me like blood from a stone...' which my instincts told me... its quite sad that my instincts tell me that, but when blinded and naive, how people (they!) act, is rather disheartening as a representation of the human populace, or the representation of a religion that when written down, is really quite honorable. (Except for the chapters SOMEONE - not me, spotted pertaining to necrophilia:| ...)
Tonight I will find myself wasting a good deal of time, going out of my way, despite having important exams in 1 week. I find myself trudging a guitar and an fx box into school for the day, and end up having to borrow an amp because my valve amp is to big. I don't like borrowing gear, it makes me feel very guilty and prattish... anyhow ... yeah... a really unmemorable, and rather painful to sit through evening ahead. Who knows... maybe somebody will mess up and i can be the voyeur! but who am i kidding? I'M also in the intro sequence that is actually in 6/4 whilst our moves are in 5.... that may give you any idea of things... and nope... none of the people in the production are particularly experienced, except our techies and (I hope) the people leading it... well... maybe it'll be alright on the night, but in spite of all that does or does not happen, I wont like it and I will be happy to see it gone! I have another performance of it on May 29th, which is sure to fill me with joy when I have exams the week after!
After this, I’m going to try to aim back at revision, revision, revision. Don't let me slack ;). I would like to apologize for the ranting, aggressive nature of this post... and the spellings... lets just say I posted it quite early in the morning, as you can see; I couldn’t sleep :P
Thanks for reading it all, take care
Back
Just saying mes home, and im not going to get into full swing yet. Happenings of this evening : - tried some strange turkish place... was quite good... thats bout it
Intro
Hi all. Iv decided id rather do a blog than an email, since i feel less pressured that way. A friend who i will not name, has been sending all his friends emails quite frequently, from where he is for his gap year. Sadly, its unappreciated, and hes recieved complaints for it. Personally, if somebodies having fun on beaches everyday, and they're still taking time out to email me, im fucking greatful! I know im safe from the criticisms he suffered here, since it is truly your choice how often you visit. It wont go into full swing yet. Ill give the occasional piece of news by chain mail. Be sure to keep mailing me and commenting. Im going to head home now.... bub i
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