The sun has got his hat on!

Grab your coat and grab your hat... leave your worries on the door step...

I'm in a fucking great mood! Come dance with me! Hugs for everyone! Beer for everyone! I'm cheerful, I'm going to buy my friends a round tommorow!

Misis and oasis (parts of my uni's website have had me down on part time, against my will for ages. i kept trying to fix it. sods law has kept getting in the way, admins avoiding me etcetera.. also, my results hadnt come through till today.

Tonigh, I log into misis and oasis, and the administrative problem FIXED ITSELF!!! BY OSMOSIS! I had planned to see someone about it tommorow! It's fucking amazing! Something good actually happened, and i don't have a sarcastic retort!

Not only that, but after 200 years fathoming the strange complicated uni 20 point thingymebobbyjibbet, and finally asking a friend to login as me, it was discovered that after all this resitting business. IM COOL!!! I'M FUCKING SORTED!!! Now i just need to keep passing semesters as they come! Its insane!

I have regained my control, for now.

whine

Dear diary!

I want to stop thinking. I was good earlier. I could direct the thoughts away from the ones I didn’t want to hear. I spent the period since Christmas meditating regularly, honing a more precise mind, learning to play piano in a meditative state, and even use this stuff to redirect self obsessed thoughts. Still, in all my determination, my altruistic goal of using this musically to rid myself of ego failed. I wanted to let go, when I play, let my mind guide me without thinking about having to sound good. While I don’t believe in G-d, I’m pretty sure the music is better off coming from within, rather than coming from a need to show off and sound good… ie trying to sound like something else.

I didn’t only intend to lose the ego playing music. I wanted to find a new attitude to life, hopelessly optimistic for a hardcore pessimist (or realist?) such as myself, but what can I do? I spent so long whining at people. I had the foolish idea that to rid myself of negative emotions I had to express them- (and here is where it goes wrong), to somebody else.

That was just the easier way out. At the time I thought it was the only way. Though it has been slow going, over the last 3 weeks (well apart from the last couple of days), I’ve actually felt that overall, I’m all right. Even when something I didn’t like happened yesterday, I shoved it away in my mind. Of course not even an hour later something else happened that I didn’t like, and at the time my ire rose, and I felt like I was in an uncontrollable anger. I fled to my room, and threw soft rubber balls at the wall as hard I could, and when I was tired out, I went to sleep. I woke up feeling I had won. I didn’t react aggressively to the cause of my anger, because I had removed myself before I had the chance. I woke up and practiced, feeling a little unfocused, but shoving my extraneous thoughts out of the window enough to continue. I don’t think I’d have been able to do that last year.

I had a conversation this morning regarding problem one, in which I kept my cool to an extent, but also ended up chatting a load of nonsense as it drew to a close and I remembered what I was about to lose. Sure, I’d already lost it, quite possibly for a lot longer than I knew, but it still came crashing down.

I tried to meditate but I couldn’t focus on that either, so I went to practice for a while. At 2, I left the safety of my bedroom to see if there was anything in the fridge for lunch. There was, I asked if any of it was intended for lunch today. The answer was yes. It was 2o clock, so I asked If I could make it. I was told no. Forgive me if I think this is unreasonable. There was no cereal in the house. No fruit. All I had for breakfast was a piece of fucking toast, and because nobody else wants lunch yet I’m not allowed too. I asked if I could take a 3rd of it then… and I just got ranted at about not being in anybodies good books. Last night when I was home, I was accused of everything under the sun. Bit like Harry Potter, being responsible for things breaking, even when I was standing right in front of my parents fucking noses NOT BREAKING THEM. There’s also the customary moan about how I SHOULD be. And other people’s children. I remember how many times I’ve been told that they wanted. What am I meant to read through the lines? Still in the past they’ve been more explicit about THAT message. Oh yeah its only because they’re angry… and they deny it? BULLSHIT. Sure you take things more extreme when your angry, you say stuff you wouldn’t normally say. But it’s all there under the surface. It’s based on truth. Later my grandparents come round. I know how that’s going to go. I’m meant to fix something with my grandpa’s computer. He originally asked my dad, but my dad decided to have a fat whine about how’s he’s really stupid and stubborn about it and how he can’t be arsed to deal with him and computing anymore. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t get away with that. Anyway, I’ll fix it, whilst answering twenty questions. It’ll be a probably that would take a minute to fix, perhaps up to quarter of an hour if it’s a big one, but either way the amount of time it’ll take to fix in reality is that multiplied by six. I won’t elaborate on my grandma, which is usually the unknown factor to most, but I think I’ve got the behaviour pattern down. First happiness to see me, followed by I’m so rude she’d be better of not seeing me. Then I leave, then I’m so rude because I’m not there. Then I return, I’m so rude I wasn’t there. Then I’m so rude I’m still there. Repeat ad nauseam. There are lots of other repeated negatives almost always about me or something I like, but I don’t feel a need to list them all. At the same time my parents always agree with her, regardless of which opinion she has at the time, and they remain completely oblivious. I dread Sundays, and always approach and leave them in a state of misery.

I’ve realized two things over the last few days. Sarcasm is a good way to lie. Every time something bad happens, and I DON’T see it coming, I become more pessimistic accordingly. This is unfortunately irrefutable truth, and there is no way out. I thought before that I could control nothing in life but my own thoughts. I can’t control either. It doesn’t feel like free will. Life is a nightmare.

Oh I must be off. The main part of the Sunday saga has just begun..

merry pissmas

Its Christmas (well… almost)

I have tried to keep this Christmas rant less offensive than I wanted it to be, by being vague.

Christmas is a legal holiday. It is often heavily secularized, but those who want to enjoy the religious aspect are free to do as they please. Well… not exactly. They’re free to do their business. Not fucking take over the world with their spiel. 100% of the world is not Christian. So why the fuck is 100% of the radio and TV continuingly showing these irritating services (which if you want to go to, you should attend) crap music, and ridiculous self-righteous bull to make yourself look good. Oh yes, this is what Christmas is about, oh yeah that’s what Christmas is about…. Be nice all year you fuckin cunts.

You have been warned. Nevertheless, a fair number of people don’t understand the idea of being nice. Especially for Christmas; they treat as a chance to get off on their own ego. I won’t elaborate unless someone wants to argue with this. Why can’t people work out how to be kind for themselves you don’t need a bible backing you up. A brain and interacting with others should suffice.

Lets just say it is Christmas. It is Christmas. And I hate it. I fucking hate it. Why can’t it go away?

These were the vague impersonal reason. Here are the personal ones in brief. My ridiculous grandmother. I don’t feel like I should say more. It would degenerate into an extremely vitriolic rant.

Merry Christmas. I hope YOU enjoy it. I know I won’t. Happiness isn’t bought.

Did I mention i wrote pissmas because thats what the train's will smell like on boxing day?

Honesty - the self destructive virtue..

I guess anything good has to come apart after a time though... it is in its inherent nature... anyway...

Something I touched on briefly in the last post, when talking about trust, and it seems like a logical evolution of that. I’ve tried living by quite two different mantras in the past… be nice to everyone, i.e treat people as you want to be treated. This does not work. Treat people as they treat you. This is better, but requires more perceptiveness than anyone has to execute justly. It is however more pro-me. It ties in with my other self-imposed codes, based on a combination of verbal honesty, and acting as my own god. I don’t worship me, I’m not being arrogant (by doing that anyway), I’ve just borrowed from a very looked down upon religious ideal, (I’m not telling you from what religion). I simply act to an extent in my own interests by suppressing my emotions in face-to-face interactions where possible, and using meditation based calming techniques to help myself do so.

At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself- that I care about honesty where possible, and that I don’t lie by contradiction, only by not telling enough of the truth. This much is true, and yet I can’t help feeling dirty, like my little attempt at detachment has failed and instead I am being dragged down in to the pits I’ve been digging with my sketchy reasoning. I’m not honest like I want to be. I feel sure all kindness shown to me is a result of my manipulations and/or their feeling somehow obliged to me.

How bleak that I always fall shorter than a dwarf from a tower block. It’s not ironic though because I always see it coming, I say I accept it though, and I’m always too weak. – Not good enough. Why can’t I completely embrace that? My conscious mind does… I feel like my heart does, but I just can’t die, I only keep falling down forever, being lowered like an explorer into an endless chasm/cave with a steel rope that keeps rolling down unsupported, but that I can’t cut.

Remember ‘Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance’. So its not just me… its everyone… they just don’t know it yet.

look what the philosophy student did to me

In the first dictionary I could find, a friend is

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied with in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

There were others, but they were irrelevant to what I intend to talk about. I think if we called every acquaintance a friend, we’d be inundated with unwanted friendships, not to mention the egos that would be crushed on the other side! So how about 3… well that’s a little relative… is the jazz course at Middlesex a struggle or a cause? What I’m really here for is to talk about trust, and a lot of other thoughts running through my head…

Trust:-
1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence..
2. Confident expectation of something; hope.

There are more, but they’re more difficult to relate to the trust in that definition of friend. I don’t want to talk about hope too much, because I think it’s a very personal thing. I frown upon hope myself; I think it is a weak and unjustified emotion. I do think it can be necessary for survival, in dire, and irretrievable situations but generally speaking it is blind, and has no effect on the expectation. Besides, if the situation was irretrievable, hope would stop you giving up and killing yourself either directly or indirectly as a result of that… but it would only be prolonging the inevitable, and enduring more pain… A debate that could do on forever… it’s gone on for a while already! Hope can’t be justified to me via spiritual reasons. I wish it could, but it can’t. L

Definition 1; reliance on… integrity, strength, ability, surety

Aren’t those things you’d look for in an employee? I’m sure ability has nothing to do with friendship. It shouldn’t anyway. I don’t trust in the surety of anyone, though I think I can often be more sure of a negative than anything positive pertaining to a friend (or positive at all).

I don’t really trust in anyone’s strength (no I’m not talking about muscle.) I respect their strength, I often see it as greater than my own, but I could never REALLY trust it. I have not for a while anyhow. I don’t really have any qualms with the rest of the definition. I mean I can trust people with my life… I can’t trust them with thoughts below the surface or emotions. Actually maybe I can, thinking about it now, its not so much that I don’t trust, it’s that I fear what will happen. I say I trust them as people, and yet I feel I can’t tell people much about my feelings, because I reckon I’ll lose them as friends. Goodness knows it’s already happened, plenty though my fault. I have a habit of ruining anything that’s good for me.

Reflection tells me, the vast majority of my friendships beyond acquaintance level are selective interpretations of people’s feelings towards me. I find myself hoping people are my friends. Telling myself that if I treat them openly that they already are, thinking its okay to offload my shit. It’s been that way for so long. I act selfishly. Perhaps I have finally found the reason for my low self-esteem; I’m a right arse.

In short, if you build a house on quicksand without any foundation, it’ll sink. It’s poetic justice that I decided people were my friends inside, and through no fault of there own, I remember they aren’t. I thought I could just totally walk past that stuff. I did kind of know it then, but it comes back to haunt me, when I find myself missing these people.

Who can I trust then, if I cannot trust in myself? What is real, and what is based on my imaginations tainted version of optimism? Why do mince pies taste like shit? (I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

I’ve lost the line between realism and paranoia.

Who can find me a Trans-dimensional doorway that allows one to step outside of consensual reality, providing a unique opportunity to explore the nature of consciousness and fundamental mysteries of existence?

PS.

Next time I may talk about my pessimistic views on Christmas, thoughts that real life is more morbid than anything our imagination can conjure up, dementia, and hopefully being a bit tipsy. On the other hand I might not want to talk about that, even if I’m thinking about it, because there could be something worse, or I might just want to talk about some music. Unlikely!

Merry Christmas? You decide!

PSS.

Yes Charlie, I do. I just feel each time it’d be self-indulgent moan! I didn’t want that! I feel less guilty in a blog because its more optional!

Nausea

5 months since I last blogged, and yet I have scarcely missed it. With the most recent posts I felt it was more of an obligation than a placebo for dumping my problems on those directly around me.

I felt guilty for that I was neglecting my friends on here, out of what really came down to being weakness. I wanted to write something, I really did, and there was plenty to write, but something within just stopped me. Writing down what I really wanted to say was out of the question, but I didn’t want to lie, throw around platitudes, or write something pointlessly mundane.

I’m terrified at revealing the situations behind my thoughts naked for all to see. I don’t want you to see what I’m not ready to admit. What I’m not strong enough to admit or understand. I may have come on along way in understanding my self, but it makes hardly any difference right now.

I daresay anyone who ‘reads’ this, doesn’t read it anymore, but right now I’m just writing so that I don’t start my career as a serial killer rashly. It’s a bit too manual labour for me right now. Nevertheless, I’ve had to set my sites somewhat lower from the previous target of criminal mastermind.

Every step I take towards crawling out of my hole, to nurturing something that I can truly feel pride in seems to fail miserably, and I seem to fall further down this never-ending chasm. I can still see the speck of light at the top. I always could see it, but I could never quite make it there. I’d always fall back on a loose rock when I was getting close. The voyeurs standing around at the top, and the occasional Samaritan could see me then though.

Now though, I’m further down, and I have to shout. And my words are corrupted in the echo. Every now and then somebody comes close to the edge, for any number of reasons… perhaps to taunt me, while I’m ensnared in these chains holding me down, pulling me down. Funnily enough those last two phrases were mangled Nine Inch Nails lyrics. I don’t know what the real lyrics were anymore. I’m simply too far away from reality… just trapped in my own little world. The voyeurs seem to enjoy teasing me when I can’t fight back, and instead flail around like some wounded animal caught in a hunter’s trap. Maybe they feel that if they can get rid of me they won’t plunge down the pit. But its okay, because they can dig their own hole, live in their own shit. I’ll have my revenge. I really will. When I just get a bit closer, or can get some allies topside. They will pay. Nobody fucks with me, except ME. Well they do, but they won’t get away with it. I’ll break them, and I don’t feel guilty saying that. Does that make me ‘bad’? I think it makes me human, though with all the excess baggage you get with ‘humanity’, I’m not sure If I like. But I recognize what I can’t change. I always do. Its only stuff that I can change that I miss out. One paintbrush is too big… or the other is too small. Or maybe I’m better off this way. I never could decide any of this stuff. I can only trust my own thoughts, but they’re often contradictory.

Before I forget, turning back to those voyeurs and their barbed tongues… perhaps their friends will think them clever. They could be stupid or clever, and I’m not sure which would be better. Idiocy makes them easier to manipulate, but it also makes them less predictable, and either way, they may take advantage of their situation, and reinterpret my words, for their own benefit, spreading the word of my misdeeds (or perhaps saving them for later blackmail), whether it’s for their enjoyment, or to make them look better

Then there are the Samaritans. They do what they can… for the time being. But I never know if they really care, if they are good people, because I either drive them off before I know them, or distrust them.

I am in better control of the emotions I display in the flesh now though. It’s just that they need to come out somewhere or I lose that control. I seem to alternate how I act though. If I act with clarity, setting up myself to be owed favours, handicapping my abilities so that I’m underestimated, afterwards I feel guilt, but more than that I feel regret that I don’t have anyone I can comfortably say this stuff too DIRECTLY. Then I try being kinder, so that I can get a better friendship out of it. Everything is out of some egotistical desire, but it’s not like I’m going to be concerned by that. It’s only a humble observation.

I think I’m too impatient, and I overestimate people. I can get out of this funk, and I will. But it won’t be easy. Especially as I keep sinking deeper as I try to climb out. I don’t think I’ll truly be out of it for a while though. I just want some semblance of control for the time being. I want to at least drift about near the top, and muddle through life in a way that I’m not just taking steps towards death.

I could attribute this whole post to a lack of hugs but that’d be absurd. I just thought I’d stick that there as a reward for reading this far- a wee joke.

Here is my life in short. I have tons of work, will probably go practice in a bit, (I’ve already done about 3 hours of work today, and 6 of practice. Unfortunately I’m at a bit of an impasse with both, needing to talk to tutors about stuff, hence why I’m allowing myself to write this.) I don’t think I can do this, and I’m scared. I’ll probably ending up spending 60£ to make people do some of my work. Tomorrow I’ll try and get another essay started before I go to see Kenny Wheeler.

Here is the piano playing news. I’ve improved loads, I was temporarily comfortable with my playing because of that, though obviously I knew I could improve I didn’t think ‘I’m shit’. Now I do, mainly because that amount of stuff in lessons that I’m meant to do… I’m just not good enough… it’s like asking someone who hardly knows computers beyond word processing to over-clock the processor.

Anyway, I think I’m done now.

Some kind of comment would be appreciated, even if it’s ‘get a life’. Just so long as you aren’t trying to sell me penis enlargements.

Well, we got through another one.

It should be fairly easy to guess what I'm talking about.

Other news is that my brain seems to be fried. I'm just growing progressively more stupid. I don't like it.

This post is letting you know a few things, one of which being my continued survival.

I'm also posting it with some reminders to myself to look back on.

E-mail: Emma, Lolly, Mark, KB, Jason and order some Aebersolds. Also E-mail Ezra for mobile number, and Francois for wrong unit. Also e-mail Charlie once about person x, then again when possible as a proper e-mail.

e-mail Order- Charlie1, Emma, Lolly, Jason (see his webby), Charlie2, Mark, Kb

Right thats my reminders in.

I'm sorry that I've buggered off everyone. I'm here... really. .. its true. I havn't read anyones blogs for ages, and i feel like somewhat of an arse. No excuses for shabby contact. Reasons however are pretty much that theres not enough practice hours in the day. Thats only reasons for the last few weeks though.

Nevertheless, I shall endevor (which I cannot spell) to chat to you through this blog more often, though realistically I don't think I'm going to have time to send e-mails beyond the neccessary, except for when I'm at work and shifts over.

I'm currently doing ALOT of piano. Eleanor, if she EVER reads this will be pleased to know that I'm learning all about salsa, and that I've purchased a book of 101 montunos. Which is going to be PFI (my little new abbreveviation. I shall use it often. Means pretty fucking insane).

Anyway.

I'll be in again when I can about whats up.

Joel out!

2000+6

How to kill your immediate family members by Homicidal J

Where do you get those really cool rings you see sometimes in murder programs where they have poison in them?

I really want one, because I've planned the PERFECT murder.

Ok here is the plan. Now what I'm going to do is poison my mother. I'm going to have an alibi, and there will be no witnesses of the death.

It involves a lot of waiting. These criteria must be present before I can do the murder.

1) My dad must be in Derby, for at least 24 hours during which the murder will be committed.
2) There will be no tube strike, and uni will be in session.
3) There are no appointments of anyone to see the house for any reason.
4) Grandparents have a day of checkups at hospital (regular occurrence)

Equipment is as follows:

Gloves, and a simple method of cleaning a hob and pans without fingerprinting them

Ok. So this is what happens. On this day, I've already arranged a sleepover for myself. It’s for a big rehearsal or recording session. I reveal it to my mum the night before. She makes a fuss, so I offer to make her a dinner.

I make it early the next morning, and add the poison. Its a pasta sauce. I do not cook the pasta however. I add the clear powdery poison to the sauce in a decent quantity, INSTEAD of sugar. I then add a little to a half used packet of spaghetti, which would contain just enough pasta for just her...

All this was done wearing gloves of course. I would then clean up using a rubber sponge. I'd leave taking that with me, and disposing of it in a standard bin in Kentish Town, far away from home.

I'd be rehearsing that night as she eats. And I'd be sleeping over, and rehearsing the next day. I'd come home in the evening to find my mum dead, at which point I'd ring the police and tell them how I'd been out, and how my mum had been cooking as a treat to herself, because i was off rehearsing. I'd say I couldn't understand it. My grandparents wouldn't understand either. They don't know I hate her. They're prim and my parents never talk about me to them because they're not proud. They do to all the other relatives of course, but I don't think even THEY understand my opinions of them, never mind anyone else’s.

The crux of the biscuit?

Mum dies. I wasn't present. She cooked. No fingerprints of me- suicide because of my grandma's dementia? She did mention it to me quite a few times, and I have a cast iron alibi.

The problems with this? Well, for starters, I'd still need to get rid of dad.

I suppose I could have killed them both at once by some kind of sabotage on their car, but it'd only work if it blew up, and destroyed any evidence. Then there would still be grandparents being very dark about it... so I'd either have to wait for them to shuffle of their mortal coils, or speed it up somehow and cash in.

I suppose for my grandpa, the collective pain from his wife being unable to even find the toilet, forgetting the year, forgetting how to use a towel, combined with his daughter's suicide // or exploding could push him over the edge... problem is he is pretty much healthy except from diabetes. My grandma would never be much of a threat though.

Perhaps it would be prudent to wait a few years... killing the mum and dad would be out of anger of course, grandparents, for money. If i could get the money to go to a private music place after my degree to study further...

That way, I could justify it slightly by saying look- I loved the music that much. Besides, death isn’t so bad. Death is like a lover. Keeps us safe from pain and worry…

This is all hypothetically speaking of course. It started off with a small idea. I would admit it is a little overkill now. (Hah, get it?)

Anyhow, y’all have a nice day -

- Homicidal J

PS - maybe my mum and dad watch too many murder programs when we eat. It'll be their undoing!

It seems I needed to be reminded of my place in life. An insignificant error.

The infamous essay deadline draws nearer. The infamous essay doesn't grow. Neither does the accompanying listening log. At least the notes do though... but I'm not very confident in them. The things damn hard.

News is.

These compositions are now complete and suitable for recording.

Tea and Coffee
Prostitutes Logic
Winter in Suburbia
Fishing

I have rough recordings of all of them except prostitutes logic actually (affectionately called prozzie's logic).

Winter in Suburbia Lyrics:--

Winter in Suburbia
V1
Smooth grooves down in the suburbs,
It’s the Winter, I’m chilling, so do not disturb
Getting off to this funky rhythm,
Enjoying my snowy prison

V2
making music all day, that’s all right,
keep on going, (n) ill do it all night,
got to keep the groove, as I go through the tunnel,
this strange London transport funnel

V3
chilled like ice, yet warm n nice,
my(the?) music slots together like chicken to fried rice
slipping and slurping a hot drink,
while the (fresh)breeze to my brain, is helping me think

(tag1=3)
im getting down, and dirty, in the slush
im getting down, im getting dirty, o, its nice,
im getting down, im getting dirty, melting flows,
lets get down and dirty, till the snow goes)

(tag2=4)
im getting down, and dirty, theres no rush
im getting down, im getting dirty, all day,
snow on the scene, aint it pretty , white (n) clean
lets enjoy this vibe, till the snow goes

(bridge)
getting dirty, in the suburbs, is just fine,
winter’s cool, holidays, n my new free time,
I spend it, writing songs, in the bedroom,
Check out this (my) tune/you dig my tune?


(CHORUS)
winter in suburbia,
its (cold n?) windy, but groovier
springtimes coming,
but there’ll be winter next year

winter in suburbia,
so let me back to my beer
springtimes looming,
but theres no need to fear..

I would appreciate some crits, its usually hard to get any comments out of anyone on my lyric writing. I know its usually rubbish, but I'd like it to improve.

I managed to borrow/copy some music off Todd. A few Prince albums, some hendrix, a Maceo Parker album, and a Kula Shaker album. So far I'm listening to the Kula Shaker. And HOW FUCKING COOL ?????

Also...back to Hendrix... how cool is the ending to freedom

My news and thoughts.

Theories about Aunts-

Ok, say I have these two Aunts, 'Helen' and 'Maureen'. They're both really fat. (And horrid but thats aside from the point). Now I usually have to see them at SOME point each year. Now I've noticed that everyear they seem to be alternately thinner and fatter (not thinner exactly... more like less fat). Now I've been thinking about why this is. Yesterday, I thought maybe they were some kind of bizarre lifeform of great size which had split into two smaller ones, and so there sizes were directly related. However after much thought, I realized that this scenario was far more likely :-

Aunt 1:- I'm going to go on a diet, I need you to eat more so it looks like I've got thinner.

Aunt 2:- Ok.

One year later.

Aunt 2:- Ok, its my turn,lets swap

Aunt 1:- Sure thing!

I'll let you decide for yourselves :D.

For the most part this week, I'm good. I have an essay due on the 9th as I tell everyone 8million times. I've decided what I'm going to do it on (mostly) now, so I just need to do the frikking thing... buts its still horrid! This week I my wonderful friends Eleanor and Emma are in the country, which rocks, but would rock more if I saw them more!

I have seen (I just had to refer to you like this and make it like a gameshow) the lovely Emma once already, and it truly was the highlight of the week.. Simple socialising can really cheer you up. I hope to see Eleanor soon.

In terms of music, shits shaping up. We have 3 Complete originals now that just need to be rehearsed a little then could be recorded... we have 3 ALMOST complete originals too. We have planned a fairly intense regime to get this and a demo done. I'll be sure to post you too and Charlie a demo, and anyone else who asks (that is IF they cannot get it off someone else electronically!)

Anyway, take it easy everyone

much love

xx

Balance - The Dark Side of the Goon

"The word ‘happiness’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” – Carl Jung

I haven’t drawn on any philosophers for a while, and a lot of my posts have been a great deal more chatty in recent months, so I feel I owe it you to treat you to something a little more upmarket, shall we say?

I do of course know Jung was a Swiss psychiatrist, and was not chiefly a philosopher. In spite of this, Yung worked with Freud, and together founded analytical philosophy. I could talk about that, or their other works, but that’s not the intended topic for today.

Today’s topic, very broadly, is balance. I’ll just let it be known that I do NOT agree with Yoko Ono’s belief that “balance is beautiful” sure that sounds very pretty, and I’m sure its good if you’re a hippie, but to believe that you’d have to be either tediously naïve, overly self righteous or both. All in all, it is just another moral high ground to take.

I know I used to be like the subsequent personality description, but something that I truly hate, is when people criticize imbalanced political and social systems and the greed, therein, or more likely condemn them completely, and yet accompany their words with a total lack of action, or generosity. Why condemn others, and yet do less yourself? Or why give 2.00£ more than someone to charity X, and then exempt yourself from your judgement on the rest of the world?

A talk for another day could be on whether or not we ever have the right to judge others. I presume we need to have that self-given right in order to maintain our autonomous, and arguably stagnant civilization.

Unfortunately however, I can’t help thinking that we are leaning towards a compromise between ‘Survival of the Fittest’, and what I like to call ‘Survival of the Sheep’, and a rather imbalanced one at that.


None of us will ever be truly free of the constraints our childhood åsocialisation have placed deep within our subconscious, those constraints which make us ‘human’. Even when we are so restricted as to have our own personal thought based upon these. It takes a great man to invent, or discover something truly new that isn’t a base of something else, and thoughts like this make me wonder if man is really MORE intelligent nowadays as is commonly believed, or has actually lost his touch.

Ponder that.

Still, I digress, this has been an elaborate scheme to justify my bruised and battered, but primarily confused description of my current Christmas and New Years feelings.

This season is so glorified by families, and so globalized by shops. Already a contradiction. People always talk about the magic of Christmas, but to me it all seems to be a big delusion. For those who have something in Christmas that is different to the rest of the year round, other than material goods or food, then sure Christmas can be either magical or aggravating (we all know how relatives are!), but otherwise- nah, I just do not get it.

It’s also worth thinking about that a lot of our material happiness is usually at the expense of someone or something else- our tasty food, something’s life, our new cheaper food, someone’s livelihood, new technology, someone’s family, better traffic, someone’s house.

My piano teacher’s Christmas present is having his girlfriend chuck him out of a JOINTLY owned house, and dump him. Girlfriend of four years I might add, and with no warning.

My closest present to this? Confusion itself. I do not know what to think. I have not decided how well I’m getting on with my parents. My grandma has dementia, and over this holiday, frankly I don’t know how long any memory will last. Its not very happy, I don’t know what that’ll spell for a him. A new year is infinite futures, all far too free of the recipients control. No, there is much more at work for me that’s bad, and I really am not looking forward to ANOTHER year. And hell I’m only 18…

I suppose my pessimism if anything seems to have become worse since going to uni, as I have adopted a happy mask there. Ah well…

This goes out to the people who spend their Christmas with plastered smiles on their faces, but without their inner self reflecting that.

Seasons greetings – I guess that’s neutral enough…

Your illusive Joel x

ps - the goon would be me.

Balance - The Dark Side

"The word ‘happiness’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” – Carl Jung

I haven’t drawn on any philosophers for a while, and a lot of my posts have been a great deal more chatty in recent months, so I feel I owe it you to treat you to something a little more upmarket, shall we say?

I do of course know Jung was a Swiss psychiatrist, and was not chiefly a philosopher. In spite of this, Yung worked with Freud, and together founded analytical philosophy. I could talk about that, or their other works, but that’s not the intended topic for today.

Today’s topic, very broadly, is balance. I’ll just let it be known that I do NOT agree with Yoko Ono’s belief that “balance is beautiful” sure that sounds very pretty, and I’m sure its good if you’re a hippie, but to believe that you’d have to be either tediously naïve, overly self righteous or both. All in all, it is just another moral high ground to take.

I know I used to be like the subsequent personality description, but something that I truly hate, is when people criticize imbalanced political and social systems and the greed, therein, or more likely condemn them completely, and yet accompany their words with a total lack of action, or generosity. Why condemn others, and yet do less yourself? Or why give 2.00£ more than someone to charity X, and then exempt yourself from your judgement on the rest of the world?

A talk for another day could be on whether or not we ever have the right to judge others. I presume we need to have that self-given right in order to maintain our autonomous, and arguably stagnant civilization.

Unfortunately however, I can’t help thinking that we are leaning towards a compromise between ‘Survival of the Fittest’, and what I like to call ‘Survival of the Sheep’, and a rather imbalanced one at that.


None of us will ever be truly free of the constraints our childhood åsocialisation have placed deep within our subconscious, those constraints which make us ‘human’. Even when we are so restricted as to have our own personal thought based upon these. It takes a great man to invent, or discover something truly new that isn’t a base of something else, and thoughts like this make me wonder if man is really MORE intelligent nowadays as is commonly believed, or has actually lost his touch.

Ponder that.

Still, I digress, this has been an elaborate scheme to justify my bruised and battered, but primarily confused description of my current Christmas and New Years feelings.

This season is so glorified by families, and so globalized by shops. Already a contradiction. People always talk about the magic of Christmas, but to me it all seems to be a big delusion. For those who have something in Christmas that is different to the rest of the year round, other than material goods or food, then sure Christmas can be either magical or aggravating (we all know how relatives are!), but otherwise- nah, I just do not get it.

It’s also worth thinking about that a lot of our material happiness is usually at the expense of someone or something else- our tasty food, something’s life, our new cheaper food, someone’s livelihood, new technology, someone’s family, better traffic, someone’s house.

My piano teacher’s Christmas present is having his girlfriend chuck him out of a JOINTLY owned house, and dump him. Girlfriend of four years I might add, and with no warning.

My closest present to this? Confusion itself. I do not know what to think. I have not decided how well I’m getting on with my parents. My grandma has dementia, and over this holiday, frankly I don’t know how long any memory will last. Its not very happy, I don’t know what that’ll spell for a him. A new year is infinite futures, all far too free of the recipients control. No, there is much more at work for me that’s bad, and I really am not looking forward to ANOTHER year. And hell I’m only 18…

I suppose my pessimism if anything seems to have become worse since going to uni, as I have adopted a happy mask there. Ah well…

This goes out to the people who spend their Christmas with plastered smiles on their faces, but without their inner self reflecting that.

Seasons greetings – I guess that’s neutral enough…

Your illusive Joel x

The Soul of Us

A new joint venture blog will soon start, rather than explain it myself, I will quote my friend Charlie on it :)

"One day while I was standing in the shadows of music, after the bridge I just crossed, I decided to read Joel's Bloggy, I then met a girl named Michael, and together we sat on the porch swing and discovered the soul of us...
Before you go thinking that I've had some wild affair with some woman guess again.

During the course of my time in my new found voice of blogging, I have met some truly remarkable people who are also sharing their stories with you. Like me they're just ordinary folks, but with extraordinary insights about life and love and happiness. The thing that makes them remarkable to me is they are opinionated without being biased, they are spirited without being taciturn. In other words they say what they mean without feeling the need to always be right. They to me are the epitome of strength and grace and wisdom.
I want to tell you a little bit about my group, and tell you about a venture that we've decided to embark upon together, and invite you to follow us.
The new adventure is titled "The Soul of Us," it is the teaming up of myself and 4 people that I've become friends with through this medium of blogging.
First up is my brother Joel "JJ" Ison of London.
I met Joel back in March when I was brand new to the blogging community. In this blog you can read other people's posts by clicking on the top right corner and going to the next post.When I ventured out one Sunday and clicked, a serious piece of music caught me by surprise.It was jazzy and cool and grooved just the way I like my music. So, I posted a comment in "Joel's Bloggy." When he responded to my comments, the rest as they say is history. I found out that Joel is young Londoner who is a fellow musician, he's now, I'm proud to say studying at the university there, but through it all he manages to keep in touch and I'm proud to call him my brother.
Next is Jennifer Wagner who authors the blogpost " On the Porch Swing." Not only is she about charm and grace, Jen is as beautiful inside as well as outside. She is also one of my patrons at the St.Albans Library where I work.
Jennifer is employed by Mission West Virginia, an organization that goes throughout this state and helps people to get on their feet when they fall.
Jennifer's stories just speak to my spirit and touch it with love.
I met Jen in April and we've been fast friends; and through her I met a Girl Named Michael Dulcie.
Michael I must say is one of the most generous and encouraging people that I think that I've ever met who not only has the courage of her conviction but the guts to back it up.Michael Ann recently touched off a debate about John Lennon that defies logic (you'll have to read it to know the particulars...) She not only managed to engage our thoughts but did so without incurring one ugly or nasty comment from anyone. I'm still trying to figure out how she pulled that off, but that's my Michael...
Last but certainly not least (I love that phrase...), is Sherry Pasquarello.
Sherry is the anchor of our group. What Joel and I are to music Sherry is to words. Like Jennifer and Michael Ann, Sherry is just a wonderful spirit that looms larger than life to me. Her eclectic blog ,"After the Bridge,"is her thoughts, and your view through her window. There is a post that I wrote recently to tell you more about her, and her works. She too is my sister and I'm proud to call her that.

About our new venture...
I've come to love these people as you can well see and I felt that it would be a great idea if we could channel our energies into a forum that would give our readers some insights into us, talking about various topics but with one voice (or, many little voices).
The objective is for the 5 of us to post our collective thoughts together about a single topic. The beauty of this is that there may be times when you'll only read one persons ideas and thoughts and you'll see the comments of the rest of us and there will be times when we all speak together...and hopefully that will make this interesting, fun and thought provoking for our readers. It will be lighthearted sometime and serious yet another, but it will definitely be the soul of us.
So sometime in January, I will mount the call and sincerely hope that you all join us.In the meantime please just keep reading my blog ( just kidding, just kidding...smile).
Please read and enjoy us all.
Joel's Bloggy
On The Porch Swing
Girl Named Michael
After The Bridge
and of course you're more than welcome to stand in the shadows of music... with me.
See ya soon with Soul Of Us..."

Hey there. I guess nows the time to tell you to have yourself a Merry little christmas. Thats the most ridiculous title of a song EVER.

If you don't want a merry little christmas, have yourself a happy little chanukah? Its not the same is it... Meh.

Chag Sameach. Is that the right spelling? I ask a Jew that EVERY festival where its applicable... thats the first time I've remembered the phrase by myself I believe.

Did well this year. Ebay'd today, to see what I could catch! Bought a real nice scarf yesterday, and a polo neck... the clothes shopping in France always turns out better than in crappy ole Engyland. I got gifted the Narnia books, yay, and 2 spoof books, and a nice diary. I've also ordered a computer game today.

France is strange... they have some bizarre kiddy program with talking lions (real ones dubbed)...

I've been downloading alot of music over the last few days. I downloaded a little Stevie Wonder, three Gene Harris albums, some more Tower of Power, and a little liquid soul. Gene Harris is a blues/jazz pianist for those who don't know. T.O.P are a kick ass funk band. So are liquid soul, but not of the same magnitude.

The Gene Harris wasn't as cool as the album I already own. The Stevie wasn't what I was looking for... i actually wanted Music Of, but all i could find were ssome cheesy ballads ( I already have Songs In the Key of Life, and talking books, and the one thats got fingertips on it).

I havn't checked out the Liquid Soul yet, but I'm listening to some Tower of Power as I write now, and its fucking awesome:D.

Ooh and I also downloaded a George Duke album called 'Face the Music' which is pretty classy...

Appearance
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I have scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[ ] I've had(or have) braces.
[ ] I wear glasses/lenses.
[ ] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[ ] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home. i made it as far as the bench on "the island"
[x] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

Embarrasment
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[ ] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something (well technically something to my hand)
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public

Health
[x] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[x] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I've had teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[x] I've been to America.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I've seen a shooting star.
[ ] I've wished on a shooting star
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] I've kicked a guy where it hurts
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping. (I really want to though!)
[ ] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car
[ ] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[ ] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[ ] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.. (never intentionally, not even for greater good)
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't....
[x] I've snuck out of my house...
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light
[x] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[x] I've been in a fist fight...
[x] I've been arrested...
[ ] I've shoplifted

Drugs/Alcohol
[ ] I've consumed alcohol. and i've hated it ever since...
[x] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[x] I've smoked weed
[x] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression...
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose...
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying.

Materialism
[x] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Social Attitudes
[x] In general, I don't like people.
[ ] I'm a feminist.
[ ] I'm outgoing..
[ ] I'm religious.
[ ] I dress fairly modestly.
[ ] My attitude is, "If you've got it, flaunt it."

Random
[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[ ] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name..
[ ] I love being neat
[ ] I love Spam
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue...
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun (yes, but i've only done on one day because i was bugged, and i hated it.. it was very shiny, a desert eagle.. was cool but too scary for me, and i dont like that power.)
[ ] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes. (more than others do)
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message. more or less.....
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[ ] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally honest

commenting is now working i believe

Today

I have little to say here. I'd just like to be selfish. This blog is as much closure for me as it is communication. I find it easier not having to adress myself to individuals.

Today I'm just feeling very snarky. I can't help it that when I reflect on past actions, and past choices, that it seems I am always living a mistake, and living as one.

I am in pretty much any way that matters, incapable, or just severely immature.

The last three weeks have been spent working very hard, and I havn't had a chance to post at uni either, because I lost my library card. As is common in educational instutions, the price for a replacement is phenominal (10£ for a piece of card). It doesn't even have a cool bleepy bit, its just a permit for getting in with a number.

Now a little thing Nicky posted the either day,

Because everyone deserves an ego trip every so often!
Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one/a lot of reason[s] why I like/love/adore you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.

Just keep the love within the lines, and we're all good.

:D

I'll blog tommorow hopefully. The Mac is back. In the mean time, quizzes galore, because I'm bored but too lazy to blog.

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?

I seem to have ran out of REMOTELY interesting ones... maybe I'm just not looking in the right places. I'm going to bed now.

Shouts :-

Hey Charlie, I'll email you back tommorow hopefully, but I'm doing musicky work most of the day, then I gotta do lots of cooking...

I'm not feeling like doing any other 'personal' messages right now, i think i'll just wait till tommorow, or email or something or other.

Night night xxx

Joel’s Latest

Writing again from uni.

Latest news. I got cut out of my Jesus Christ Superstar gig. The reason for this according to the MD is I’m not good enough, the reason according to the guy who got me the gig is that a) the MD is a prick, and b) he found someone better than me or cheaper. My take on it is that the MD was telling the truth, and he EASILY found someone better.

Anyway, there goes a chunk of money, and a Sunday. Someone took my number for keys playing but it’s so obviously fake. In-fact it seems everything is really obviously fake, and convincing oneself otherwise is just really naïve. Interest in your music, your life, where you live, all that, is just feigned interest. There seems to be no real point to it. It just passes time. Time that is so infinite, that it flows eternally like water. Time that we have so much of, yet so little in the grand scheme of things. Life just seems to be a coasting along thing. I’m not really sure that there is anything fulfilling about it. There are things, which you can find fun, but really its all just killing time. Kill a fuck-load of time and then die. You spend the first however many years of your life being fucked by the education system. If your not one of these people who believe it’s the best years of your life, your spending years learning societies doctrines, consolidating your acting (‘business’) skills, so as to easily pass off an image of yourself. You end up being so subconsciously obsessed with passing off this image to be accepted it least in the higher echelons, if not among nasty students, that you lose who you are. You are just a crude clay model, modelled by teachings, which are obviously less than exemplary, when you see how close-minded that majority of our society is. This is assuming you don’t start of rich, and get sent to a really open school, where the teachers are addressed to by first name, they earn their respect rather than enforcing it. If you do, you probably end up learning to treat people as you would be treated, and to respect rather than rebel. Bah, now I’m acting jealous of a friend. Ah well, human nature I might say.

It just all brings a thought to me- for whom, for what, and for why? Its really inexplicable. Time is such a broad concept. There are so many different interpretations of it. This discussion is futile, its wrong.

Lets tailor this to music.

“The essence of music is unexplainable in words”

Here we find an axiom that is truly self-contradictory. The speaker of these words is offering and explanation. The maxim is only being used to throw a discussion that has become futile, or to prevent one ahead of time, admonishing the ineffectuality.

In democracy there is always a need for discourse, in order to reach a consensus on any given topic. In music, this needs for discourse is superseded. There is less danger of creating a dogma that will outlive its worth. There is less danger of the paradox of democracy, where unresolved problems are needed for its own sustenance. Music could potentially be the truest manifestation of freedom. It is entirely self sufficient, and answers our emotions. The solidarity of the listeners of different music- anti-social sociality! Still if music is completely self sufficient, it is already locked down and protects itself. There is always an end. For some strange reason, endlessness is feared, but on the other side of the coin, why is suicide taboo? Why is dying in your own dream taboo? When consciousness ends it wont resume. Someone else will keep talking, but really it’s all insignificant. It doesn’t matter to US.

Having talked for a page, without having reached any conclusion, I digress, a lot of this is a bunch of bullshit. But I digress….

Anyway. Politics is just as much an art form as music, and really, from what I’ve been saying it would seem they have a lot in common. Think Faust. In the beginning was the Deed? That would mean art beats politics. Imagine if the politicians where judged like musicians, transporting their listeners, the allure of their finesse. They could get away with murder even more than now. Art’s for Art’s sake would be a thing in the past. Even trying to avoid politics, a libertarian statement can be made! Music’s a whore! ‘Ode to Joy’! Stanley Kubrick! Is Beethoven now a fascist? We can’t define things both ways. We can’t make all-seeing judgements on music, whilst keeping it in some ethereal realm. If music is autonomous, who needs who? Language or music? A great chicken and the egg debate. This is what happens when Joel has a really bad day, and is stoned alone.

If I bring this back to real life, I’m fed up. I can’t really articulate this properly though. I’m rather confused, and I don’t truly know what I want from you. Such is life.

News, my computer died, so I won’t be able to talk to anyone much. Also I’m going insane at home. This also couldn’t have happened at a worse time (the computer). Everyones teaming up against me and what a mental case I am. But I can’t reall deny it. Sometimes I wish someone will come and take me away. But they never do. And where would I go? If I’d been in with people at a Uni, I’d have a similar social predicament to the one I have here anyway. Sure I’d go to parties, but I’d be the guy who doesn’t have any circles to stand in, the one who doesn’t get the girl! I’m not going to get started on the rest of silly little insecurities. I’ll just post this.

Hello

(written last week)

Coming to you one Sunday Evening, from a car. My plans at the moment are to learn the bass parts, and to finish a composition assignment. I then need to check in my diary when I go to work. Then I'm going to either bu an ipod mini I have on loan, or give it ack and buy a nano. I'm also going to order a pair of nice etymotic earphones. Go with my ear plugs and all. I also intend to go looking for pianos

(AN - I havn't really done any of this except a few bass parts..)

A little message for Charlie. Dani tells me you'll be gigging in London next ear? Wha else do you know about said gig? I'll be happy to come along and meet you in the flesh. And- somehow, jam. I'm already excited.

A prostitutes logic

A rather bizarre blues we made. Its a bit like Tobacco Road... think the Edgar Winters one.

Our notes:-

Lyrics

(lyrics done in a deep voice like on Cosmic Debris until further notice when they will be bluesily sung)

Chorus
Ill sell you my metronome
- if you just give me some time
- iambic pentameter, rhythm n rhyme

Verse 1
A prostitutes logic, isn’t easily defined.
You just pay them with liquor, and cheap red wine.
was walking down the streets, lookin’ for a fight,
Round bout half past ten, I met a lady of the night, (approached by a)
I said, I want you to make love to me,
and I want you, (STOP) mmm just to do it just right (hold right like in bac road),

Verse 2
My BPM…
It’s the highest in town.
(I) ‘got Bebop and swing feel J
So there’s no need to frown
Y’all high offa my music,
n my sweet sensual sounds,
My grooves r so infectious,
They let No-body down.

(chorus)

Verse 3
(sung – Think edgar winter – Think ‘Tobacco Road’)
Ill sell you my time, If you just give me your metronome.\(and) She said this, with sensational slime.
We both knew, our areas of business
Hers is hard work, where as mine is just sweet bliss.

(that last one REEKED of todd!)

Verse 4
I pay by the hour, she agreed to this too,
‘ill fuck your guts out, and cover you in goo.’ (pulp fiction voice)
So I took her back, too my rusty old shack.
Where I spilt my load, all over her back.
She got angry at me, for wasting her time,
So she just said,(STOP IN MUSIC) That’ll be £4.99.

:O

Tea and Coffee
Chorus

Brown beans,
My fix of Caffeine
Im on top of the world.
I don’t wana let go.
No ohh ohh (1st variation)
I don want a low

End- freak out-

Its makin’ me shake,
Its makin’ me shake,
Its makin’ me shake,
Its makin’ me shake,

Music cuts (blahghughhh {som1 making a throwing up noise})
‘its not my cup’a’ tea…’ – said by lewis or joel


YES. It is official. We are somewhat mad!

Wednesday

Hello. Wednesday. Yeah.

Progress in songs:

We now have a fully completed chorus for the last set of lyrics I posted to 'Tea and Coffee', and a little break down mantra 'its making me shake'. Also, 'A prostitutes logic' has also been complete in verses and choruses, and I will post both of those again later. We intend to ge 2 more songs written, and record over the winter holidays.

Todd has expressed wishes to see you again, Eleanor, so when you do finally read this, do comment please.

I'm quite excited for Christmas holidays, that I'll see some of my friends again, but also worried about juggling my time between people, and the severe amount of shit tha I've gotta be doing.

Also theres the matter of having to escape he guilt clutches of 'family'. The same ones that condemn me yet still when its convenient for them find me to be necessary, and pull on my guilt strings. And I feel guilty of alot of things.

I'm just thinking it'll be a crap holiday. I blatently won't get to see people enough. Which would fucking suck if you ask me. Not that anyone would ask me, if all they're going to get is this fat moan.

I'm at uni, on one of their computers- for the first time, and I WAS doing an assignment which involved using the online library catalogue, which CRASHED when i had done about a quarter of the assignment. I have till half 2, and I could get it over with but NOOOO. I'm in one of those moods I think...

On Monday my piano lesson was a grand humiliation, and showed in great detail that I lack intelligence. My practice has actually been diminishing since, because of inability to find things, my dark and escapist nature, and a host of of other factors. It's really self-pitying, and that really sums things up for me at the moment.

I am truly a pessimist, and I reall have little faith right now. In my existence that is. I never will have an faith in deities. Thats not meant to be offensive, and it IS extremely closed minded, but having faith in external sources is not for me. I'm not one to expect miracles, and I'm not one who can understand the reasoning behind the concept of religion. All I can see is that it can either make or break humanity with its plays on human nature. Some follow teachings of morals, and some warp the original conceps for war.

Its a two-sided coin.

Our latest masterpiece

I'm avoiding writing about today, and my current morbidity, so instead I'm writing about the stark contrast of Sunday.

First HALF decent song me and Todd have come up with, though debatebly, the chorus may need some work, though I think I have just the solution.

You can download a recording of verse 1 at http://rapidshare.de/files/6716666/Tea_and_Coffee__Verse_1_.mp3.html

Remember to actually look for the download button there.

And the chorus melody at
http://rapidshare.de/files/6716822/Tea_and_Coffee__Chorus_Melody_.mp3.html

Verse has some dodgy improptu harmonies. Please for the love of god listen to it in stereo, otherwise i'll sound disgusting. But together its v cool.

Chorus is lyricless, todd just makes a sort of noise. I thought it was ridiculous, but today i thought it might be quite cool if all of us make that noise to that tune rather than sing words. Besides I'm not sure what to do for words to THAT melody. - I came up with the verse melody, not the chorus one. If anyone fancies a go, be my guest.

Lyrics of Verses 1 - 4:-

Sipping on, my tea and coffee,
I like it sweet, like toffee,
getting my kicks, on caffeine and sugar licks,
picking up rhythms, sticks of the trade, matching up like the ace and spades

Flowing on, just like a river,
ice cold flor, to make you shiver,
the hot steaming brew thaws away at you,
higher and higher, thats the way, bring it on to me i ain't got all day,

And i drift, in and out,
my throbbing brain, heres a shout
" i'm getting my kicks on caffeine and sugar licks " (says someone else!)
My headaches coming on, I try get away, but deliria(s) (gonna) hit me anyway

I gulped down, my tea and coffee,
i had it sweet, like toffee,
got fake kicks from the coffee andn sugar trick
I just consumed more than I can take, this amount caffeine's making me shake

For any brave people who fancy a play along, WORK OUT THE VERSE YOURSELF. Its not hard.

Chorus is

C9 (2bars) , B7sharp9 (2 bars), E7 1 Bar), C9pushed.... kinda a bar of 2 , then a bar of 4... then a stop on D7sharp 9.

LEGIBLE INNIT. Don't steal the song :D!

COMMENTS PLEASE!!!

So, it’s Friday at last. Yesterday I worked again. The most exciting part of the day was when a page came through the phones for a Perry to call 56, and when he did he said ‘can I call him back I’m eating a biscuit’, in a thoroughly biscuit ridden voice. I have a 16 bar composition assignment, which I think I’ll sink my teeth into today and tomorrow, which is to write in the style of Abdullah Ibrahim. (The cheerful friendly I IV V style, not the morose one!) I also have a really bizarre assignment to create a radio program. I reckon I’ll go on Oasis (our uni student page) in a few hours and try getting some information on my assignments from it. For now though, I’m taking a well-deserved break to blog, and to email a couple of people. Tomorrow I may get the chance to go the cinema though what I will see is yet to be decided. Sunday morning I am going to see the Wallace and Gromit – AT LAST. I fucking love Wallace and Gromit, and I’ll be vulgar in saying so! Especially after the praises I’ve heard. Then I’m going to rehearse at Todd’s, and then I’m going to see a man about a bass! (Or to be exact, I’m going to go and get pissed in Camden with a man who’s going to give me the Jesus Christ Superstar Score, and fill me in on rehearsals, and the actual nights I’m playing! It’s very exciting – lots of money, West End musicals. Its not where I’d have thought I’d be gigging, but hey its bread.

I’m not in a content mood, but I don’t know why. Maybe I’m jealous of people again…

Bah, love to all

Joel

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Joel
Birthday:	16/06/87
Birthplace:	Somewhere in London
Current Location:	Southgate, London
Eye Color:	Brown?
Hair Color:	Brown?
Height:	5 10
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Jew
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Scholls
Your Weakness:	Paranoia, Haemophobia, Pessimism
Your Fears:	Being poor, being alone, not fitting in, being the crap one, being betrayed, spinning doors
Your Perfect Pizza:	Quattro Stagioni
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Theres millions...
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	fuck off
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Oh no, not again
Your Best Physical Feature:	I don't like any
Your Bedtime:	Somewhere between midnight and 5 am
Your Most Missed Memory:	I don't get the question... I can't remember?
Pepsi or Coke:	Neither, i don't like soft drinks
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Neither, I don't like shit food
Single or Group Dates:	I wouldn't know. Havn't had the experience.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	From time to time
Do you Swear:	All the time :(
Do you Sing:	More like hum, and I scat when I'm soloing sometimes
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes, except for when i'm very miserable
Have you Been in Love:	No
Do you want to go to College:	Yes
Do you want to get Married:	Yes
Do you belive in yourself:	I believe in myself like I don't believe in g-d. Beyond existence, no.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Nope, nor sea-sickness.
Do you think you are Attractive:	No.
Are you a Health Freak:	No, I'm a lazy bastard.
Do you get along with your Parents:	Not really, no.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yup, they're PRETTY :D
Do you play an Instrument:	Piano.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes...
In the past month have you Smoked:	One cigarette only.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	No.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	No.
What Do You Enjoy:	Blood, sweat, tears - ie ROCK! Other good music, jamming, composing, hugs, beer, whisky
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	Yes
Ever been called a Tease:	No
Ever been Beaten up:	Yes
Ever Shoplifted:	No
How do you want to Die:	Painlessly but with a choice to say goodbye nicely, and insult the people I hate
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Dead! Or rich enough to be able to play music the whole time, and be good enough to do it.
What country would you most like to Visit:	Australlia
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	I havn't really analysed it.
Favourite Hair Color:	Same here.
Short or Long Hair:	Depends how short short is. None of that shaved rubbish!
Height:	Not fussed. So long as they're not PAINFULLY taller / shorter
Weight:	Why would I care? I suppose it'd be nice to be able to lift em though
Best Clothing Style:	Functional, and anything other than CHAV.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Lets not talk about that.. thats all behind me now..
Number of CDs I own:	Loads
Number of Piercings:	None
Number of Tattoos:	None
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	The millions and millions of failures that now define me
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Hey there! It has been a while since the first week, and I’m sorry I’m not updating enough, but it truly hasn’t been an option. Last 2 weeks I have been practicing a ton, focusing on several different areas. Samba (batucada mainly), Parker solos, funk grooves, and technique. I’ve also managed to at long last find myself a job, which I do each Thursday, and that pays 6.25£ per hour. I work approximately 8-5, so I’m saving to firstly buy one of those new I-pods then to buy a new piano (and sell my current one of course.) I’ll have to try a lot of piano’s, but that’s not for a while yet! The job is mind-numbingly boring accounting, and a smidgen of computer stuff. Somebody there asked me what I was doing at Uni, and I told them I was doing a jazz degree (because I am!), and they asked what I intend to do afterwards, and I put on my most sarcastic voice, and said become an accountant. Bah It wasn’t funny… what do you expect from me?

I am and have been, pretty stressed, because my time is being weighed on pretty heavily. Stuff is difficult! I guess it’s meant to be, but still … my standard is really shit here, and its fucking annoying.

I am eternally going to feel socially excluded I believe, because I am, and because I’m a ridiculous pessimist! Nobody really seems to want to know me here. I’m finally on good terms with everyone I think, - enough to exchange pleasantries, but nothing advances anymore than that, while for everyone else, it does. Most on my course are in halls and a lot of them are in the same wings. I also kept telling myself before I went to uni that maybe I’d find me a girl there – a musicky one. Who the fuck was I kidding? There are hardly any musicky girls here, and the ones there are – frankly I hate their personalities. Quite sad really. Poor Joel, all alone!

Nobody really wants to anything social with me, so I’ve basically got the friends I had before uni to have fun with. And sods law is in operation that the times they have do not tally with the times I do. Those who are in London seem impossible. You get to chat occasionally, but the moment you suggesting meeting people, it all goes wrong. And before a certain person starts moaning, I’m only suggesting meeting people who are based locally, or whose area I am in whilst journeying to someone else (so basically Trent Park or for a very small part of Saturdays Hampstead Heath) :P Sorry!

This does not make me happy, it’s a bit of a stupid situation for me, doesn’t make things any easier… bah humbug.

THE END

By Joel

Didn't have to come in for anything, but came in at half 1 anyway, and got my Student ID card and my NUS card. I still need a fiver so I can apply for something which makes London transport a wee bit cheaper. I'm not sure how much. I would reseach it online, but I'm typing this entry over a beer in the Union. There was some strange book fair and i bought a book called The magician. You know the sort of things.. mages and stuff. Great fun! (Assuming you like that kind of thing- which I do. That, sc-ifi, and tintin!) Then I jammed till about 5 (its half 5 now!). Not really got much to say. got some more phone numbers today and yesterday. I'm generally alright. I completed my first assignment early, handed it in today. It was to attribute chords to a score of happy birthday they gave us. It was very grimly covered in chords! I think I fucked it up a bit at the end, because I simply refuse to write slash chords :S. No Dani, not GNR chords. GNR don't understand chords. Its just one and five for them. A kinder garden kid could do it! Everyones still better than me lol, surprise surprise. I managed to do a few things, but I still seem to be prone to mistake making. I need to do some practice. Err what else. I think thats it. When I said comment on my blog I didn't mean link me to aload of fucking dating agencies. Joel out.

One week down, rest of term to go!

Well then. Lets see they got my name as Ison instead of Wajnrych Ison (which it says on my passport) and they won't let me have an ID with just Ison on it, so I have to have one that looks like a bird shat on it.

Erm I won't write anything in order. Over the course of the week I jammed, discovered I sucked and everyone else was better than me. Practiced ages and made no improvement. Tried to write some musics, came up with some nice vamps. Met up with a friend from JFS, really enjoyed it, and crave meeting again. Thats a bit of a strong word, but I do really look foward to it. I've been searching for somebody to see The Dirty Feel with but I can't find anyone. They're really awesome band. Rock/funk.. kinda like meters, led zep, and general rockingness all rolled into one tasty thing. I've been playing with zooming on images. I played cheesily and in the shadows. I showed inability to do anything halfway decent solo except night in Tunisia (even then my soloing on it was lifeless), i recorded myself a few times over the week , am extremely dissapointed. Been trying to make some friends, seem inept at it though. Got a goodie bag from uni containing all sorts of stuff. Mistook condoms for headache pills and then keyrings. Don't ask. I doubt I'll need them anyway. I know I won't need them actually, not unless I somehow devise a love potion, which i much doubt. Erm yeah thats pretty much it. Except I saw lots of rabbits and squirrels. Oh and today I acted as a psychotic teacher. It was boring. Noticed that I hate people AGAIN. Fuck them. Oh and I hate chav's too. And why do some pubs only serve crappy beers? And why is all their bacon so salty that i need about 1500 pints to recover?
Why does the world delight in winding me up?

Bah. Love to all. From the self pitying, egoless sod.

CIAO for noow :D . im not happy but i always write lots of stupid acronyms and stuff anyway. and i've given up on doing nice pretty blogs with the grammar being impeccable. one day when i have alot of time on my hands...

please comment on my blog. remind me that you exist. then i will blog more regularly. then i wont spend my days bottling up and being an actor feigning happines and contentness and general characteristics of an optimist OR a simpleton.

He's back

I'm back. From the dead. After skipping August entirely. Y'all got my e-mail. First day at Uni. We met our head of music, called Peter Fribbs, and Stuart Hall, who was our ACTING head of department, (department being Jazz.) Stuart Hall is a guitarist of insane calibre.

Anyway, he was a fairly funny guy. After him talking to us, giving us timetables, telling us where the library was, and making crappy jokes, we got an hour of break. We introduced ourselves to each other. Others seemed to be making friends out of this, where I just seemed to be making acquaintances. Then we had to do some adminstrative garbage, getting ID cards etcetera. It didn't happen. My passport surname didn't tally with their surname for me, meaning that I don't get my ID card, meaning i don't get my SU (studen union) card, and meaning I don't get my library card. Fun. Games.

Then I met 2 of our alleged 6 pianists (including myself), and we played to each other. One is a mature student with very good knowledge of industry, since he was involved in house music, and fairly good jazz player, but nothing special. Couldn't read, not much technique either. The third was bloody good with his voicings, and had pretty good technique. Depressingly so, but oh well. At least I had a bigger repertoire than most there.

Then there was a big QA session with Stuart, where he asked for a volunteer bassist, drummer and pianist. I ended up doing piano, as nobody else raised their hand. No bassists appeared, and we had a drummer. We played a Bb blues (quickchange) and he suddenly stopped it when i played a 2 note count Basie lick. (simply the tonic 2 swung quavers on b1, just like in Duke's C-Jam blues. Then talked about what could be done with it. Then a discussion about deciding who the most important muso's were/are, then a disscussion about technical terms for things that go on in bebop licks.

After that, I tried to hang around with some people but I was obviously an uneccessary addition, so I had a beer in the SU bar, then sat around a while staring into space. Eventually I went 'home'. I don't really call home home anymore.. i just say.. going back. I don't feel very at home at home. My mum is ever the nasty person.

I'm feeling rather dark.

The house I live in is hardly conducive to creativity. It seems wherever I am trying to do anything nobody fucking gives a shit about giving me some space. They'll even leave music on when they aren't present but forbid me from turning it off. Then they'll have the radio on in every room and refuse to turn it off. It fucks me off. Why can't people just be considerate. I know people who's families make a big effort not to cause anyone even the slightest annoyance - and its their NORM. Our norm is to go out and cause distress it seems.

I wish I just had some support or at least understanding for the music. "Why do you have to rehearse that long?" "You still haven't finished writing songs?" Etcetera, fill it in for yourself. Fucking hell I don't the injustice. Some parents force their kids to do music when they don't want to, and any others try and force it out of you. Fucking hell its as bad as Harry Potter's issue with magic..

Bands been writing today and plan on doing more tomorrow. Its going a bit lunatic in my opinion. Done some very cool shit, but nobody seems to fucking care about structure and its driving me mad. Apparently we're not going to try out this zany guy who wants to be a rock star. I'm very pissed off at peoples on and off attitudes to me at the moment too. Nobody reading this though. There's a lot in my head, but I just can't seem to get it out. But I need to...

August 18th draws ever closer. I'm not happy...

I hear my parents ranting about something mundane... such a damn aggressive atmosphere here. Its never calm. Its always threatening. I swear nothing I try seems to work... I suppose it at least kinda clears my conscience.

The house I live in is hardly conducive to creativity. It seems wherever I am trying to do anything nobody fucking gives a shit about giving me some space. They'll even leave music on when they aren't present but forbid me from turning it off. Then they'll have the radio on in every room and refuse to turn it off. It fucks me off. Why can't people just be considerate. I know people who's families make a big effort not to cause anyone even the slightest annoyance - and its their NORM. Our norm is to go out and cause distress it seems.

I wish I just had some support or at least understanding for the music. "Why do you have to rehearse that long?" "You still haven't finished writing songs?" Etcetera, fill it in for yourself. Fucking hell I don't the injustice. Some parents force their kids to do music when they don't want to, and any others try and force it out of you. Fucking hell its as bad as Harry Potter's issue with magic..

Bands been writing today and plan on doing more tomorrow. Its going a bit lunatic in my opinion. Done some very cool shit, but nobody seems to fucking care about structure and its driving me mad.

And my parents are driving me mad too. I think its time for those barbiturates...